Category: Behaviours

Signs that you have been abused or are being abused by a Narcissist

 

You are unsure of yourself.  Do you find it difficult to make decisions?  Constantly refer to other people for validation or before you do something (when you never did this before?)  The reasons for this are three fold a) the narcissist does not want you “to get ahead” and be successful in whatever you do, as they see this as an injury to their own self-image. B) a narcissist will always blame someone else for everything, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist then you will be the obvious target, c) a person is much easier to control if they are confused and fearful of making the “wrong” decision.  This demeaning and destructive behaviour works slowly and over time you wake up wondering why you have no energy and have completely lost the fight to defend yourself (and maybe even get out of bed).  The narcissist will take absolutely everything away from you that they can.  Your social support network, your money, your confidence and self- esteem.  When they have done this they will be pleased with themselves because in this broken state you are much easier to control and they will see this as a victory.

Confusion is an inevitable by-product of abuse.  You will feel violated and doubt yourself at the same time.  Your reality will constantly be denied and they will not engage in open and frank communication.  If you say that you are not “happy” with the situation, they will go on the offensive and tell you that you are depressed, you are too sensitive, you need to go to therapy or do something, but it is never their fault. They will not work together with you to find a solution/compromise, on the contrary they will work against you.   Any disharmony in the relationship with a narcissist will always be the other person’s fault and they will let you know either directly or indirectly that they are wonderful person for staying with such a crazy person like you.  For example, they might tell someone else that you are being “really tough to tolerate at the moment”, but they will stand by you, even though they know very well that they are the source of your anguish.  This is a double win for them because a) the other person sees them as a loyal and caring partner, b) they get to continue to abuse you, knowing that everyone thinks that they are great, and won’t believe you if you try to set the record straight (you are the one going through mental health issues after all, not them!)

They also believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out your flaws to you so that you can change and become the better person that they deserve.  They create all of the rules for you, but they are for you alone, they do not abide by any of them.  They have the freedom to do whatever they want to whoever they want even when it means hurting others (including their own children).

You cannot pull a narcissist up on their behaviour for three reasons a) they will flatly deny that they did what they did b) you will get a counter “attack” with narcissistic rage or c) take your constructive criticism and flip it right back at you “no you are…”

Arguing with a narcissist is futile because they will not stick to the argument, they do not argue/discuss to find a solution to a problem, they argue to “win”.  The techniques that they employ to do this are irrelevant to them no matter how nonsensical or illogical they are.

The person on the receiving end of this type of abuse will know instinctively that there is something “wrong”, but might not know what or why.  Most people if they have been accused of a certain type of an annoying or inappropriate behaviour will go off and introspect (even if they are defensive at the time of the argument), a narcissist will not.  They will not listen to what you say and they will firmly place the blame for their behaviour somewhere else, anywhere else, it is just never their “fault”.  This is not just the behaviour of a small child who denies stealing biscuits, it is more pathological than that.  They don’t just deny what they have done, they want to hurt the person who has suggested that they were culpable of a wrong doing, either by a smear campaign, gas lighting or some other means, this is narcissistic abuse and they are relentless in the pursuit for “winning” their “game” (like hurting the person who confronted them, preferably destroy them).  This can literally go on for years.

If you have been subjected to narcissistic abuse either at a family of origin level or in adult relationships it may well be the case that you disassociate from your feelings.  So if someone is overtly shouting abuse at you and you don’t react.  You don’t tell them to F**k Off and you don’t cry or cringe either, you just stand there, speechless, it is only when you get to some place that you feel safe that your emotions emerge.  This might serve you in the short term, but in the long term it has been proven to decrease your ability for healthy psychological interaction and function.  It often happens that the person who is being abused by narcissists exhibits symptoms that the narcissist “should” own, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts etc., this is because you are taking on the “stuff” of a narcissist.  You didn’t earn it, they projected it on to you and expect/ insist that you own their negative thoughts about themselves and the world in general.  It is very, very stressful being around a narcissist.

 

What to expect when you erect boundaries with a narcissist

  • They ignore your request to assert your boundaries, either by pretending not to have heard you or pretending to misunderstand the boundaries that you are trying to erect.
  • They sulk and accuse you of being cold and distant or not liking/loving them
  • They give you the silent treatment and spread the word that they are having an amazing time without you.
  • They will go on a smear campaign “after all I have done for him/her and s/he couldn’t even…, s/he is so ungrateful”
  • Go into an infantile regressive state, like a toddler’s temper tantrum but in the form of a fully physically mature adult
  • They will threaten you and try to force you to do what they want you to do through lies, deceit and soliciting the support of their flying monkeys.
  • They will use weakness and vulnerability as tools to manipulate you into do what they want you to do.
  • They will play the victim role, of one who needs to be rescued.
  • They will try to garner the sympathy of everyone around you, and I mean everyone, your work colleagues, your family, friends and acquaintances, they have no limit to the people they will try to turn against you.
  • They will make up lies about the nasty things that people said about you to infuse a little paranoia into the equation.
  • They will “accidentally” forget to share information that you are entitled to such as family gatherings, meetings or social occasions – this is done deliberately to make you feel isolated, unsupported and having indifferent attitude to your job and family in the eyes of others.
  • They will make up lies about nasty things that you allegedly said about other people to destroy your relationship with that person and your reputation
  • They will tell you how you should be and act
  • They will either be super nice to you in front of other people to show what a nice/forgiving person they are or act like the victim and behave as though you are about to hit them
  • They will pick away at your boundaries in tiny increments to gain traction. Things so small that they are not worth fighting for but collectively make a big difference
  • They will pretend to be worried about you

 

Narcissists form of “LOVE”

  • I love the way you make me feel about myself.
  • I love the way that you want to take care of me
  • I love the way that you are so easy to manipulate
  • I love the way that you believe my lies
  • I love the way that you trust me
  • I love the way it is so easy to take money from you
  • I love the way that if I don’t do something you try harder
  • I love the way that you back down if I fly into a rage
  • I love the way you let me always take the limelight in company
  • I love having someone to tell my stories of my wonderfulness to
  • I love to express my magnificent theories to you
  • I love the way I confuse you and the effort and energy you spend in trying to understand me
  • I love hurting you because it makes me feel strong
  • I love sucking the oxygen out of the air that you breathe, and leave you feel gasping for breath, it makes me feel good/powerful
  • I love sucking the life force out of you, hacking away at your confidence and self esteem
  • Our story is only an idealised story that I can tell my next lover to make them try to measure up and feel jealous
  • I love to use and manipulate them in the same way that I did with you
  • I love destroying things from your past before there was an “us”, because I am the most important person in your life
  • I love destroying things that are precious to you
  • I love wrecking things that you create
  • I love sabotaging your reputation
  • I love ruining your other relationships with friends and family
  • I love forcing you to do things that you don’t want to do
  • I love spying on you so that you have no “private place”
  • I love shutting you up in company so that all of the attention is on me
  • I love stealing your money
  • I love using your energy to get things done
  • I love showing you that you are not good enough

 

 

Not everyone has a conscience and the ability to empathise

There is a common myth that everyone has a conscience and the ability to empathise.  This is not the case with people who have narcissistic personality disorder, sociopaths and psychopaths.  People who are involved with narcissists find that they are being manipulated and devalued which leaves their victims feeling worthless, panicky and often suicidal.  If you approach your abuser and let them know that you are “in trouble” the narcissist will take the fact that their partner is feeling suicidal and use it to garner sympathy from others for being a “tolerant, loving person having to put up with a suicidal maniac”.  They will always couch their concern in loving terms so that it looks like empathy, they know that this makes them look good but in reality they are doing it to  harvest attention  and to create an image for themselves, they will not do anything to change their behaviour, will treat you like your suicidal “weakness” is just another of your failings and will further alienate you from any support system you might have.

Their manipulation is psychologically and emotionally devastating and can leave lifelong emotional scars especially if you have been narcissistically abused by your parent(s).  Their abuse, like most abusers is done face to face behind closed doors or by a smear campaign behind your back.  Because narcissists believe their own lies, they will use charm and charisma while they are cruelly annihilating your reputation and are very convincing to any audience.

Survivors frequently blame themselves because they are not really sure what they have just experienced and are reeling in a state of hurt and confusion.  Once you learn the language and the dynamics of narcissistic abuse you will have to tools and knowledge to heal, to be aware of other predatory types and the ability to better take care of yourself.

These individuals transcend gender, socio economic groups and race.  They are masters in the art of manipulation, they use punishment and narcissistic rage to control people.  They have absolutely no sense of loyalty, will betray the trust of those close to them without any remorse and will verbally attack at any time, but in particular when you are low for example just lost a job, lost a loved one or had any sort of tragedy in your life this is don specifically to up the destruction and devastation in your life, they do it when you are down because it is easier for them to upset/hurt you.  They will do this just because they have a strong sadistic streak and humiliating and abusing other people amuses and gives them a sense of power.

The tools that they use to degrade others include:

  • Sarcastic comments
  • Sneering
  • Condescending comments
  • Negation of any achievement (even a well cooked meal)
  • Overt insults and name calling
  • Stonewalling/The silent treatment
  • Sulking
  • False cruel laughter to ridicule
  • Deliberately humiliating you in public
  • Negating comments or observations you make
  • Blaming
  • Shaming
  • Going into a rage any comment that they perceive puts them into an even slightly bad light

The narcissist will take and use anything that you might have confided in them and use it against you.  They harvest the information by putting on an act of being trustworthy and concerned about you so you are open with them.  They will then use your vulnerabilities to hurt you in the future, they have no limits to what they will use to inflict pain. Inflicting pain makes them feel powerful and they will use it to diminish and belittle.

Since pathological envy is an inherent part of the narcissistic personality disorder they will negate or diminish anything that you might accomplish.  Frequently they will claim it as their own “the only reason that you could do that is because I helped you”, or they will steal your opinions and ideas and then tell you about them as though you are too stupid to fully understand.  They will laugh at your dreams or aspirations, they will tell you that you have a horrible personality they will claim that any social life you have is directly attributable to their charming and fascinating company.  They will destroy you in every way that they can think of, they have to be the winner in your relationship and the only way that they can do that is through sabotage, corruption and nefarious means.

After the ideation stage the narcissist will oscillate between making kind gestures and being narcissistic, this is another form of manipulation because it is very destabilising (it would be much easier to come to terms with if they were nasty all of the time).  They will use your desire to get back to the “nice part of them” to keep tugging at your puppet strings.  Nothing you do will ever be good enough at this stage and if they do act nice they will make it very clear that it is because they are nice, not because you deserve it.

Gaslighting

Gas lighting is when an abusive person tries to shift your perception of events so that they can undermine your confidence.  It makes you question yourself (as the narcissist will give their version of events with absolute unwavering certainty) and this uncertainty will make you much easier to manipulate and abuse.

Gas lighting comes in many forms such as moving or taking your things or telling you that they told you something important when they didn’t.  If you confront them on it, they will say things like “it is not my fault you have a bad memory” or “you cannot expect me to be responsible for your things”.

The natural default position of narcissists is to lie about everything.  Even when the truth would have served better.  It is a way that parent(s) create conflict between their children, the way a narcissist will split their friends and colleagues, and will wear down their partner.  They will lie about what other people said and did, what they have done, the intensity of their relationships with various people, compliments that people have paid on brilliant accomplishments etc.  They will lie to justify their actions, lie to deny other actions, lie to protect themselves if they feel that there is even the slightest threat to their perceived unblemished public image.

They are masters in the art of lying, s/he does it with total confidence and completely without shame.  It is for this reason that narcissists pass lie detector tests.  There are no sweaty palms or an increased heart rate as they probably believe their own lies.  If you pick her up on a lie and give a factual version she might say “that is what I said”, so you are wrong again.  If she cannot back out she might say that she “might” have done something but it will be followed by “I have no memory of it” or “that really doesn’t sound like me” or “I wouldn’t do something like that – why would I?”.

They also use your insecurities against you.  They will find out what you are unconfident about listening to you with feign concern and then they will use those very insecurities to bring you down (“Anything that you say can and will be used against you”).  They can do this by saying that someone said something about you like “so and so said that you are really unstable” or “so and so is so interesting” inferring by inflection that you are not.

They will repeat their lies over and over again so that you actually start to believe them, they will also tell the same lie about you to others, so that the people who believe them will treat you “as if” and this will further send their negative lies about you further home.

They will diagnose you with having major issues around trust for example when you question their lies, or for being depressed or paranoid because their abuse it getting to you.  Very often a narcissist will suggest therapy for their victims to sort their issues out, the narcissist will rarely go to therapy, but if they do it is just for show and they will finish after a few sessions saying that their therapist said that there was nothing wrong with them, the fault lies with you.

You start to lie to keep the peace, this is because you feel like you are walking on eggshells with the narcissist because they flip into rage.  The narcissist expects you to live by their rules and any behaviour that you do that they see as not in their favour will make them attack you (they do not have to abide by the same rules, because they are better than you).

After narcissists have got sufficient information to use against you they stop listening to you, because what you want and need is completely irrelevant to them.  So for example they might say “shall we invite six people here for dinner tomorrow?”, if you say “no not tomorrow, I have a long hard day at work” half an hour later they “will say I have invited them and they are all coming” you say “I asked you not to” they will say “well I cannot un-invite them, that would be really rude”.  The narcissist will also then expect you to cook the dinner.  The effect of being constantly ignored is that after a while you stop trying to be heard because what you say or want does not matter to them.

The narcissist will also throw a “bad behaviour” of yours (that might or might not have happened) at you in the middle of an argument to bully you into doing what they want.

 

Why it is so easy to gaslight a child?

A child’s relationship with their parent is not an equal one.   Children are frequently referred to as hostages to their parents in the literature about dysfunctional parenting.  All of the power is in the hands of the parents and where there is total power there is also the potential for abuse.  Parents not only “rule” the household but they also tell their children (either directly or indirectly) how to interpret the events, people and places that are around them.

This makes gaslighting a child very easy.  Children look to their parents for an understanding of how things work.  From social/relationship situations to using domestic appliances.  For this reason it is easy for a parent to take their vulnerable child and manipulate any given situation to be seen through their own perspective, thus gleaning solidarity from their children, giving the parent control and getting reinforcement of the parent’s perspective from their children (even though they were told what to think).

If a child is feeling unloved, they will do anything to get their parent’s love, if it means denying their understanding of “what just happened” (even if it was a physical action and they saw it with their own eyes), then that is what they will do

 

 

Boredom, drama and self-deception

The narcissist’s brain served human kind well in the long distant past.  It is completely selfish, reactive and lives in the moment (no capacity for future planning).  That was great when we were more “primitive” and constantly under attack from predators. It is a primitive primeval brain that is focusing on getting what you can get (from others), where you can get it and by whatever means.  This type of behaviour simply isn’t appropriate any more.  It is an attitude for the unevolved; people without a sense of community or society, with no emotional intelligence or conscience.

They genuinely do not know what is going on in their own heads and can flip and contradict themselves in an argument without even noticing that they have done it.  Deep down they must know that they are not who they say they are, otherwise they wouldn’t need such a highly charged and explosive defence system.  No one with a true sense of self would think that it was okay to put on haughty airs and graces, acts of grandiosity, arrogance and constantly state that they are superior to others.

Narcissists have completely numbed out from their emotions (with the exception of emotions like anger and jealousy).  It is as though someone has pressed their emotional mute button.  As a consequence, they do not have access to the colourful emotional palette that the rest of us experience.  They completely miss subtle nuances in communication between people, they are never absolutely certain about how they should act and are hyper vigilant about taking cues from others.  Because they cannot feel they are never satisfied so they are either on a perpetual quest to find admiration or drama of some sort.  The drama always has to be turned up high, because that is where they get their buzz.  If getting drama into their lives involves abusing someone (either to their face or behind their back) starting gossipy rumours or doing something illegal, it is deemed okay in the mind of the self-righteous narcissist because they are always right.  When face to face they get satisfaction from seeing pain on someone else’s face after they have offended them in some way and many narcissists prefer the look of pain to happiness, because pain makes them feel powerful, whereas happiness could be just seen as the other person being in a good mood.

The reality of course is that they narcissist cannot love themselves and as such they can only “love” their projected image and to do this they have to be masters in the art of self-deception. Part of this self-deception is being very judgemental and using their projected low opinions of others as a tool to buoy their own fragile ego up.

If someone even accidentally says or does something that the narcissist finds offensive, they will go on a “counter attack” with a ridiculous amount of rage.  Because narcissists are so fragile, those around them will usually try to avoid confrontation and stay away from controversial arguments and opinions.  So they stay with superficial topics and ideas because it is just not worth arguing with the narcissist.  Their inability to delve deeper into their conscience and their lack of curiosity also feeds their boredom.  They do not have an “inner life” as such.  For them it is all about maintaining their self-image and being judgemental and critical of others. It is not good enough for a narcissist to be good enough, they always have to feel that they are vastly superior to others, as you can imagine this takes a lot of work, which is one reason why they are so determined to preserve their false persona at all costs.

They will often talk about something with total conviction that they know absolutely nothing about.  They may try to give lessons to a French teacher in their woefully poor French and be oblivious to how inappropriate they are being.  They might assume path finder on a mountain trek without having any idea where they were or where they were going.  Reality, and what they are actually capable of doing are completely disconnected.  However, they will enjoy the drama of getting lost on a mountain at dusk, pretending that they are in control, and bickering, all stories long and short will be shared about the “adventure” at a later date.  The conviction with which they say that they know what they are doing makes people believe them, why would you say something like that unless you were absolutely sure, the answer is attention, it is always about attention.