What narcissists what they say vs what they mean

  • “Think of the children” = Think of me
  • “You are so selfish” = You are not giving me enough attention, time, money or adoration
  • “You made a fool of yourself this evening” (after a social engagement) = You took the limelight away from me – how dare you
  • “I’d love to but…” = There is nothing in it for me/I can’t be bothered
  • “Stop showing off” = Stop trying to take the attention away from me.
  • “That person is an idiot” = This person is highly intelligent and I feel threatened by her/him
  • “This person is a complete attention seeker” = This person is in competition for attention with me and I do not like it at all.
  • “Such a person said that I am the best cook/singer/musician/actor/politician etc.” = Lie, this is something that a non-narcissist would ever say (even if they thought it)
  • “You said that you loved me” = You cannot stop taking excessive care of me and my needs.
  • “How could you do this to me” = I am the victim here and it is ALL your fault even though I was abusing you
  • “you are so selfish, think about the children” – Who is going to mind ME
  • “We had it so good why do you have to go and destroy it all” = you were such an easy person to manipulate and an excellent source of narcissistic supply, how can you possibly leave me
  • “You have gone mad? You need to go to therapy” = It is really upsetting me that you want to stop serving me in the way that I have become accustomed to
  • “You are completely crazy?” = you are beginning to see the real me
  • “I just want what is best for you” = I just want what is best for me/I demand that you put my needs before your own
  • “I know everything that is worth knowing” = I don’t know about the subject that you are referring to, so I will dismiss it as irrelevant
  • “I just want to help” = I just want to interfere in your life
  • “I love you” = I want you to love me and give me all your attention and resources
  • “I love you soooo much” = you are really easy to manipulate and are good at providing me with the attention and resources that I want, I am manipulating by giving you the “validation” you want
  • “I was just joking” = I was testing your boundaries, I realise I pushed too far, but that is your fault
  • “You are so sensitive” = You are not supposed to reply in a negative way when I abuse you.
  • “Stop acting the victim” = You are not supposed to notice that I am being abusive
  • “The sacrifices that I have made for you” = I might have done something for you that wasn’t absolutely in my own interest, it still upsets me.
  • “You are so ungrateful” = You are not being a good enough audience for me. Up the praise level.
  • If you suggest that you are going to do something nice for someone else to a narcissist, such as visit someone in hospital or buy them a wedding present their default reaction is to block you and they will say things like “they said that they didn’t want visitors” = I don’t want you to visit them because I have no intention of doing so and if you go it will make me look bad/ don’t buy them a present it will only embarrass them = I don’t want to buy them a present, I cannot be bothered and so I don’t want you to either.

Stock defence phrases from a narcissist in an argument

  • “You’re being irrational” = You’re “making” me look like I am in the wrong
  • “You should see a shrink” = Stop being rational
  • “You’ve got a very lively imagination” = I don’t like what you are saying so I will discard it as fantasy
  • “I don’t recall it happening that way” = I am not going to admit to any fault
  • “Why are you being so aggressive?” = stop defending yourself
  • “You always say that” = I didn’t take your argument on board the last time and I am not going to consider it this time either, it doesn’t suit me.
  • “Why do you always have to be so immature?” = Don’t try to draw me into a rational argument/this is a no go area
  • “I am not yelling I am just telling you” = I am yelling
  • “You need to communicate more effectively” = I do not like what you are saying
  • “Why do you always have to pick fights?” = It is really annoying when you pull me up on my bad behaviour
  • “I am just going to assume that you are premenstrual!” = I am going to discard anything you say
  • “I am just going to assume that you are over tired” = I am going to ignore you
  • “Yeah right”, “Oh sure” = I am not going to respond to you in a way that can further this discussion
  • “You are not in a stable state of mind at the moment” = I am not going to respect anything that you say
  • “You’re mad, crazy, depressed etc.” = I don’t have to listen to you
  • “I met so and so the other day and s/he said that you were acting in a really weird way” = I am drawing in invisible backup with lies
  • “You have no friends for a reason” = I have no friends
  • “Now look what you made me do!” = I know I did something bad but it is your fault
  • “You have changed a lot you are not the person that I married” = I have moved into the demeaning part of our “relationship”
  • “You are always so controlling” = don’t play my game with me
  • “We only get invited to these events because everyone loves me, you should be grateful” = I am more important than you

Most commonly found acronyms in literature about narcissism

 

ASPD – Antisocial personality disorder

BPD – Borderline personality disorder

CBT – Cognitive behavioural therapy

C-PTSD – Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

FM – Flying monkey

FOC – Family of choice

FOO – Family of origin

GC – Golden child

HPD – Histrionic personality disorder

LC – Low contact

MN – Malignant narcissist

NC – No contact

NF – Narcissistic father

NM – Narcissistic mother

NFIL – Narcissistic father in law

NMIL – Narcissistic mother in law

NPD – Narcissistic personality disorder

PTSD – Post-traumatic stress disorder

SG – Scapegoat

TF – Toxic father

TM – Toxic mother

TP – Toxic parent

 

Feelings and emotion words

Pleasant Feelings
OPEN HAPPY ALIVE GOOD
understanding great Playful calm
confident gay courageous peaceful
reliable joyous energetic at ease
easy lucky liberated comfortable
amazed fortunate optimistic pleased
free delighted provocative encouraged
sympathetic overjoyed impulsive clever
interested gleeful Free surprised
satisfied thankful Frisky content
receptive important animated quiet
accepting festive Spirited certain
kind ecstatic Thrilled relaxed
  satisfied wonderful serene
  glad   free and easy
  cheerful   bright
  sunny   blessed
  merry   reassured
  elated    
  jubilant    
 

 

LOVE INTERESTED POSITIVE STRONG
loving concerned Eager impulsive
considerate affected Keen free
affectionate fascinated Earnest sure
sensitive intrigued Intent certain
tender absorbed Anxious rebellious
devoted inquisitive Inspired unique
attracted nosy determined dynamic
Passionate snoopy Excited tenacious
Admiration engrossed enthusiastic hardy
Warm curious bold secure
Touched   brave  
Sympathy   daring  
Close   challenged  
Loved   optimistic  
Comforted   re-enforced  
drawn toward   confident  
    hopeful  
 

 

Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings
ANGRY DEPRESSED CONFUSED HELPLESS
Irritated lousy upset incapable
Enraged disappointed doubtful alone
Hostile discouraged uncertain paralyzed
Insulting ashamed indecisive fatigued
Sore powerless perplexed useless
Annoyed diminished embarrassed inferior
Upset guilty hesitant vulnerable
Hateful dissatisfied shy empty
unpleasant miserable stupefied forced
Offensive detestable disillusioned hesitant
Bitter repugnant unbelieving despair
aggressive despicable skeptical frustrated
resentful disgusting distrustful distressed
Inflamed abominable misgiving woeful
Provoked terrible lost pathetic
Incensed in despair unsure tragic
infuriated sulky uneasy in a stew
Cross bad pessimistic dominated
worked up a sense of loss tense  
Boiling      
Fuming      
Indignant      
 

 

INDIFFERENT AFRAID HURT SAD
insensitive fearful crushed tearful
Dull terrified tormented sorrowful
nonchalant suspicious deprived pained
Neutral anxious pained grief
Reserved alarmed tortured anguish
Weary panic dejected desolate
Bored nervous rejected desperate
preoccupied scared injured pessimistic
Cold worried offended unhappy
disinterested frightened afflicted lonely
lifeless timid aching grieved
  shaky victimized mournful
  restless heartbroken dismayed
  doubtful agonized  
  threatened appalled  
  cowardly humiliated  
  quaking wronged  
  menaced alienated  
  wary    

 

 

Language narcissists use

 

When a narcissist feels threatened or confused by something they will go in to a mode of speaking absolute gibberish.  This is a defence mechanism and is designed not to make sense.  You will spend all of your energy trying to work out what they are trying to say rather than getting involved in a solution based conversation.  People refer to it as “word salad”, it essentially means that everything is tossed up together and they aren’t making any sense at all.  If you find yourself trying to converse with someone who is using this tool of confusion the only thing that you can do is to disengage and walk away.  You cannot make someone make sense if they are determined not to.

 

When a narcissist is spewing these diatribes at you, do not try to help them make sense or take what they say seriously in anyway, it is a tool to block you and the only solution is walk away.  Their “arguments” will mix up past, present and future, will refer to things that you are not talking about, will be full of hateful name calling and blame and will often be fuelled by narcissistic rage.

 

If the argument is not perceived as an imminent threat by the narcissist and is just a topic that they don’t want to discuss, there are other techniques that they will employ.  Such as:

 

  • Not letting the conversation go in any constructive direction. They will talk around and around in circles.  You think that you have go somewhere with them and they will bring the discussion right back to the starting point.  Remember narcissists take themselves very seriously and they expect you to too.  So if you pull them up on the fact that they are repeating what they said 5 minutes ago, they will just get angry and up the game.  The only thing that you can do in this situation is to play dumb and say “I don’t understand, can you expand on that”, but that only works in the short term as they will be quite happy to have the same conversation an hour later.  They are revisionists, in their mind the conversation never happened unless it has had the outcome that they are looking for.
  • If you have the audacity to point out something nasty that they have done, they will go into time travel mode and bring some wrong doing that you did (or that they perceive that you did) years ago or point out something trivial like the fact that you leave the lid off the toothpaste. It is all distraction from the main issue.  Narcissists don’t make mistakes, everyone else does, so if you point out a wrong doing you will just get rage, sneering or a false (how could you be so ridiculous) laugh in return.
  • Because narcissists see themselves as “better” than everyone else they will very often talk at you as though you are stupid and incapable of understanding the content of what they are saying. They do this by using a very condescending voice and looking at you with an “oh dear” pity face.  The whole point of this is to make you feel uncomfortable and to back off.  When you do they will consider it a score in the game that they are playing in their head (with a massive audience cheering from the side line).  You may be tempted to try to drive you point home, it is useless because if they don’t like it, it just never happened in their mind.
  • Narcissists are masters in the art of projection, so they will frequently accuse you of doing or being what they are. So they could accuse you of being lazy, distant or dishonest, which are all hallmarks of narcissists.  An empathic person will introspect and wonder if that is really true.  Not so with a narcissist, they have “decided” who they are and that is that (although it can change on an hourly basis).  Should they get even the slightest inkling that you may not believe their false persona, they will instantly project onto someone else.  The narcissist will have many false personas so you will never really know who is going to turn up and when.  They know what they are doing, it is all part of the game that they play.
  • A narcissist will use very strong language when talking to you. They will call you names, use explosive language when they are angry, tell lies with absolute conviction and certainty, they will order you to do things, they will “get” people to do things rather than ask.  For all this bluster and guff, they are extremely sensitive to even the slightest hint of criticism of them and will react with rage, the silent treatment or by sulking.
  • The narcissist is always the victim, no matter how badly they behave, it is always someone else’s fault. They show absolutely no remorse at any time for any of their terrible behaviour.  They will say things like “he made me do it”, or “I had to because”.  The word “sorry” occasionally creeps out of a narcissist’s mouth but only when they are cornered and it is never sincere.  They might promise to change – but it never happens.
  • With a narcissist you will often find yourself explaining to them why their behaviour was hurtful.  This is a key tell-tale sign, no adult should have to have the effect of their own behaviour explained to them.  It is hard to know why you have to do this when they are so hyper sensitive to being “wounded” themselves.  This is because they are incapable of introspection and take no responsibility for their own actions.  There is no censor on their behaviour or words, they can do whatever they like, everyone else has to watch themselves so as not to upset the narcissist.
  • A narcissist knows how to be kind and good but they find it boring. They are on a perpetual search for excitement and drama and will create it where ever they can.  You can try to explain to them about basic human emotions and why they shouldn’t spread nasty rumours about people and lie to get reaction, but they don’t care who they hurt or what damage they do because being kind just isn’t entertaining enough for them.
  • You might be tempted to keep trying to explain things to a narcissist and maybe question your own ability to communicate, it is a waste of time. The raw emotional data inside of a narcissist’s head is completely scrambled, so you can never explain emotional stuff to them, it is like they have a virus in their software and they simply cannot process the information.  They know that something is wrong, so it is more than likely that they will go on the defensive and start to blame you instead.  The narcissist does not “do” relationships because they are to self-absorbed to see the other person’s point of view.
  • A narcissist is completely shut off from their own pain and that is why they cannot show empathy to others. If you show you vulnerability to a narcissist they will probably shrug it off, walk away with cold indifference or make an inappropriate remark.  A narcissist in not looking for a relationship their end game is control and power.
  • In the middle of a discussion narcissists can change their point of view if they think that they are “loosing” the argument. They can take your point of view (especially if you are in the company of other people) and argue it back at you.  This 180° shift is accompanied with condescending tone of voice and a facial expression that would indicate that you are a half-wit.  They don’t even seem to notice that they have completely changed their “point of view”, or if they do they don’t care.
  • Narcissists are incapable of critical thinking, they will blurt out the first thing that comes into their head irrespective of how inappropriate it may be. Reason is not present in the narcissist vocabulary either to be reasonable or to reason.  It just doesn’t exist for them, to be “right” and to score points/win is the only thing that matters to them.
  • Narcissists do not think in the long term, so if they have a flare up and shout at someone they expect that person to behave as though they didn‘t completely try to eviscerate them five minutes before, they expect the status quo to remain no matter how badly they behave and will get annoyed if you are act hurt or defensive towards them. They will think you are “over reacting”, “hyper sensitive” “playing the victim” and they will not be shy about telling you this.

Glossary

Abusive cycleThis is when there is an oscillation between destructive and constructive behaviour.  A narcissist is not always destructive towards people, especially if they want something such as attention, material goods or to make a good impression to their ever present mental audience.

Accusations This is when a narcissist will tell another person, in a very forceful way, who they are and what they have done.  So it can be accusing them of anything from lying, infidelity or of being lazy, even when it has absolutely no grounding in reality.  “You always/never…” or “You are so…”

Alienation – This is when a person is deliberately cut off from the rest of a group, this can occur in a family, a group of friends or in the work place.  It can happen by keeping “secrets”, non-disclosure of information that would not be withheld in a healthy dynamic or by deliberately ignoring the wishes and requests of an individual.

Blaming This is when someone or something is always responsible for creating a “problem”, denial of personal responsibility and making it someone else’s “fault” rather than trying to find a solution.

Bullying The act of forcing another person into a situation, through force and/or threats, who is in a more vulnerable position either physically, socially, financially or emotionally.

Co-dependency This is when a person enables dysfunction in others, the most common form is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.

Cognitive Dissonance is the mental disharmony or discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more incompatible or contrary beliefs or values at the same time, or encounters confusion about what they “know” is true about themselves versus what the narcissist is telling them is “true”.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is a series of symptoms that arise from prolonged stress from being exposed to narcissistic abuse (but can also be found in people who were held hostage, prisoners of war and survivors of religious cults).  Symptoms can include emotional flash backs, being triggered by past experiences, nightmares and panic attacks.

Counter dependency This is when an individual refuses to become attached or relate to another person.

Cowardice This is when a narcissist lacks courage to face pain, difficulty, commitment, perceived danger etc.

Denial Believing or pretending that something painful, shameful or traumatic event never happened. So they cannot learn from their mistakes because they do not admit that it happened.

Disassociation is the detachment from emotional experiences, when reality gets replaced with a revised or reframed version of events invented by the narcissist.

Emotional abuse Any systematic behaviour focused on a person by another which creates fear, shame, guilt or a sense of obligation.

Emotional blackmail A system of manipulation through threats, punishments and lies to control an individual’s behaviour.

Emotional flashbacks This is where an individual involuntarily relives something that happened in the past as though it were the present, it is not really a clear memory, more like a sensation.  Flashbacks can be traumatic, but they can also be happy and can be triggered by any of the senses.

Empath is a sensitive person who has the ability to sense someone else’s feelings and emotions, listen to them without feeling sorry for them.  Someone who is in touch with their own feelings so that they can identify with others.

Enmeshment is a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are porous and unclear.  That is that there is a fuzzy line between where one person starts and the other one finishes.

Flying monkeys This is when a narcissist will lie to, manipulate and coerce selected individuals to isolate, alienate, punish and control a chosen target.

Gaslighting This is when a narcissist will play tricks on an otherwise mentally healthy person to make them think that they are going crazy.  They do this by denial of an individual’s reality through lies and manipulation.

Golden child A golden child is when one child in a narcissistic family of origin is selected by one or both parents to be given preferential treatment.  This child “can do no wrong” in the eyes of the parent(s), despite any evidence to the contrary.  S/he will be given a disproportionate amount of resources in terms of attention, finances and inclusion with otherwise neglectful parents.

Grey rock Grey rock is a technique to use when you do not want to get involved with the drama of a narcissist.  What this means is that you do not seek their approval, but you do not give yours either.  You remain emotionless, cool but not cold.  If they say something like “you are a such and such”, “you never loved me” etc. All you say is “I am sorry you feel like that”, “that is not my experience”.  Keep it as “dry” as you can and walk away as soon as possible.

Grooming is when a narcissist manoeuvres a person into a false sense of connection, dependence and trust so that they are much more vulnerable to accepting (or not initially noticing) future abusive behaviour.

Hooking This is when the narcissist goes on an active campaign to get the attention and often resources of a target.  During this cycle they are charming, generous and attentive.  The target is lulled into a sense of security with the narcissist, but when the target is hooked the narcissist moves onto the devaluation stage.

Hoovering This is what can happen when a person tries to break away from or limit contact with a narcissist.  It is the action of a narcissist to try to suck a person back into giving them narcissistic supply.  This can be done through presents, flattery, faux remorse (if they think that they have done something to upset you) or social invitations.  This is a temporary phase until they know you have been pulled back in.

Image weaving This is when a narcissist participates in certain activities to improve their public image.  For example, they could make a big donation to charity, this is not done from a sincere place of concern about the people/animals who would benefit from the money, but from how the narcissist thinks it makes them look.

Isolation This is when a narcissist will deliberately and intentionally set out to isolate a person from their family, friends and support network.  This is a controlling technique to make their target easier to abuse.

Intimidation This is when a person uses non-verbal threats both tacit and implicit to control another.

Invalidation A narcissist will use this technique to prevent a person from expressing themselves, to encourage that person that their feelings, thoughts, values, beliefs and even factual knowledge is incorrect, inferior and worthless.

Manipulation This is when a narcissist will coerce an individual(s) into acting in a way that serves a hidden ulterior motive.

Mobbing Is another term for “flying monkeys” (see above)

Narcissistic injury is when the narcissist feels that their self-esteem or self-worth have been threatened in some way.  When their true hidden self has been revealed in some way (real or imagined) by someone.

Narcissistic rage Is when a narcissist will fly into a rage over a seemingly unimportant issue.  This is not “real” rage, although it feels like it because they violate the other person’s boundaries.  It is a tool that the narcissist uses to control another person.  It is not real because they can get really angry in seconds and if someone who they want to impress enters the company they can become “sweet natured” with the same velocity.  A narcissist will expect the person who they raged at only minutes before to pretend it never happened.

Narcissistic supply This is when a narcissist will go after other people’s resources.  In general it comes in the form of attention (both positive and negative attention seems to work for them).  However, they like the attention to come in the form of favours, care taking, presents and inclusion in social situations.  They do not like intimacy and will become aggressive or dismissive if you try to bring the “relationship” to that level.

Objectification This is when a narcissist treats people like objects for their personal gratification and not like sentiment human beings.

Parentify This happens in a narcissistic family of origin, where one or both parents force their children (even from as young as two years old) to always put their emotional and other needs before the needs of their children, no matter how unwilling or frightened the child is to do this.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when someone engages in the indirect expression of anger, it involves behaviours to “get back” at someone without the other knowing that they are “acting out” their anger in a veiled manner.

Projection This is when a narcissist takes a situation, a personality trait or a problem that causes them discomfort and attributes the “blame” to someone else.  So they will accuse you of something that they do not want to take responsibility for themselves.

Reframe This is when a narcissist takes an event out of context and changes the meaning of what happened by putting a spin on a situation so that it works out to their advantage.

Sabotage Narcissists do not like it when other people have healthy relationships, good careers or are socially popular.  They can sabotage by a smear campaign on your reputation, try to destroy your confidence by sneering and deriding any creative endeavour, destroy valued possession from a previous life or try to lower your self-esteem.

Scapegoat This is when one child or individual is singled out to take undeserved blame or treatment, this child is the polar opposite to the golden child in a family.

Silent Treatment This is when a narcissist literally refuses to talk to or engage with someone who has “upset them”, the upset can be real or imaginary, the silence is used as a manipulation tool to insult and control their target in an infantile way.

Smear campaign This is when a narcissist will start to spread rumours about another person to destroy their reputation.  This can happen if you are separating from a narcissist, or if they feel like they have been injured in some way by someone.  They will tell lies, make false accusations and generally manipulate as many people as they can to “see” things from their jaundiced view.  This can create paranoia the person on whom the smear campaign is being carried out will feel the hostility but will not know why and it is not based in reality.

Testing This is when a narcissist repeatedly forces another person to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.  So they will constantly ask if you love them, rather and will say things “if you really loved me you would..”, or the more passive aggressive version “John gave Mary a beautiful necklace” and will look at you expectantly!

Triangulation This is a technique that is used to stop direct and frank communication between two people.  Like the name suggests, the narcissist will put themselves in the middle so that they can edit the exchange of thoughts and feelings between two or more people through lies and selection of information shared to serve their own goals.

Triggers are current events that provoke a traumatic memory from the past and upset you all over again, either at a conscious or unconscious level.

Most commonly found acronyms found in literature about narcissism

ASPD – Antisocial personality disorder

BPD – Borderline personality disorder

CBT – Cognitive behavioural therapy

C-PTSD – Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

FM – Flying monkey

FOC – Family of choice

FOO – Family of origin

GC – Golden child

HPD – Histrionic personality disorder

LC – Low contact

MN – Malignant narcissist

NC – No contact

NF – Narcissistic father

NM – Narcissistic mother

NFIL – Narcissistic father in law

NMIL – Narcissistic mother in law

NPD – Narcissistic personality disorder

PTSD – Post-traumatic stress disorder

SG – Scapegoat

TF – Toxic father

TM – Toxic mother

TP – Toxic parent