Quotations

Quotes about narcissism

“Narcissism has more in common with self-hatred than with self-admiration.”

— Christopher Lasch, author

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . . .They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”

— T.S. Elliott, writer

“Withhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.”

— Mason Cooley, essayist

“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.”

— Elizabeth Bowen, writer

“Underneath the so-called narcissistic personality is definitely shame and the paralyzing fear of being ordinary.”

— Brené Brown, researcher

There is simply no winning with a narcissist.He will treat you so horribly that you will become withdrawn and depressed and then he will turn around and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’”

— Susan Williams, writer

“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders . . . but by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.”

— Jeffrey Kluger, writer

“When people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.”

— Albert J. Bernstein, psychologist

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.”

— Amanda Torroni, writer

“Narcissism is voluntary blindness,an agreement not to look beneath the surface.”

— Sam Keen, author

“Because narcissistic parents are experts at making everything look good, the child of the narcissist may not know anything was wrong. A common response in therapy is ‘I had a great childhood with caring parents. I should be happy.’”

— Heather Sheafer, writer

“If you want to go from being adored to devalued in the blink of an eye, simply insult the narcissist.”

— Tigress Luv, blogger

“Parents are supposed to give the child back to herself with love. If they’ve got duct tape over their eyes because of narcissism, it doesn’t happen.”

— Jane Fonda, actor

“When narcissists behave in an exhibitionistic manner, they are seeking the same sort of admiration as toddlers, and for the same reasons. They want attention. Some examples include inappropriate dress, talking too loudly, or gesturing in expansive and space-intruding ways.”

— Mark Ettensohn, therapist

“Over and over again, I have learned how damaging, how unrelenting, the aftermath is from these pathological, quietly undermining relationships.”

— Sandra Brown, therapist

“You might as well bang your head into a brick wallif you expect the narcissist to be reasonable, empathetic or human in any way. If you sense or witness any of these traits, there is an ulterior motive. When the narcissist is being nice, it’s because they have something to gain.”

— Tina Swithin, writer

“I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse.”

— M. Scott Peck, writer

“No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

— Samuel Lopez de Victoria, therapist

“I have a very simple question to people . . . who seem to suffer from excessive narcissism: Please name three other persons who are smarter and more capable than you, in the field you work in. In most cases they are utterly unable to answer that question honestly.”

— Ingo Molnar, computer hacker

“Narcissus does not fall in love with his reflection because it is beautiful, but because it is his. If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free in a few years by its fading.”

— W.H. Auden, poet

“The best way to upset a narcissist is by ignoring him.”

— J.B. Snow, writer

“Narcissists install a mental filter in ourheadsa little bit at a time. . . . ‘Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?’ Until we can uninstall the narcissist-filter, our actions are controlled by narcissists to some degree.”

— Sam Vaknin, writer

“There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one.”

— Jeffrey Kluger, writer

“He was like the cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.”

— George Eliot, writer

 

 

 

 

 

Sons of narcissistic fathers

 

Sons of narcissistic fathers

Narcissistic fathers are as toxic to their sons as narcissistic mothers are to their daughters. Since narcissistic parents have absolutely no idea about parenting and age appropriate behaviour, they will tell their very young sons “to stop crying and be a man”, call them names like “cry baby”, “Mummy’s boy” or even “don’t be such a little girl”.  This causes the son to try to suppress his emotion and put a brave face on everything, even physical injury.  Suppressed emotions will always have a way of coming to the surface albeit in a distorted, perverted and unrecognizable form.

Sons of narcissistic fathers are stripped of their self-confidence from a very early age. The narcissistic father (like the narcissistic mother) will constantly be in competition with his son, he will be condescending, arrogant, pompus and nothing his son does will ever be good enough. He will always flip any achievement by his son into something that was “thanks” to the father’s influence or he will dismiss it as irrelevant he will knock everything that his son does on the most pathetic level, it could be as benign as learning to tie shoe laces or riding a bike. He will always have learnt it earlier and done it better.  He will be very sneering towards his son, for example his son will show him a painting he just did and the father will say “that isn’t very good is it, it doesn’t look like a horse to me.  You know what a horse looks like why can’t you do better?”

A narcissistic father will compete relentlessly with his sons, even if he is teaching his son the rules of a game, he will not let his son win one point.  It doesn’t matter what the game is, it could be chess or rugby, if it is rugby the narcissist father will not give a second thought to physically hurting his son to gain a point (even though he is twice the size of his son).

The narcissistic father will demandrespect from his children, even though he has no respect for anyone else.  He will have a tendency to assume a very authoritarian approach to parenting (almost Victorian, children should be seen and not heard).  The narcissistic father will use shame to control his son and will lash out with the most damning of comments without any concern for the hurt and pain he causes.  Like all narcissists he is totally without remorse or empathy he can see his son writhe in pain or embarrassment and be totally unmoved, if it isn’t about him then it just doesn’t matter.  The narcissist father knows that his son is his captive and he uses this advantage to its absolute maximum.  He will treat him as his servant, there to do his bidding, he will bark orders and never show any gratitude or appreciation for that which was done for him.  He can leave his son hanging around while he indulges in his favourite hobby without giving any thought about his well-being. If his son asks him for something he will shame him again for being a nuisance and his son will internalize a sense of guilt for being a burden.

Pompous, arrogant and over confident he will have opinions about all issues (even topics that he knows absolutely nothing about).  He will deliver his opinions with such certainty that his son will find it very difficult to express himself let alone have a counter argument.  The narcissist father does not have conversations with his son, he delivers lectures.  He will criticise everyone (especially other men) and will consider them all to be stupid, even when he has never spoken to them.

If his son has a hobby or a sport, the father will tend to become over involved and micromanage the activity making his son almost irrelevant, the message being that his son will not be able to do it as well as he does.  The actual ability of the father is irrelevant to the narcissist, he will automatically assume superiority.

When out walking the father will always walk in front of his son to show his superior status, never beside him.  The father might also put his son in physical danger without giving it a second thought. These fathers are always emotionally aloof and will become irrationally irritated if any emotional demands are placed on them.  They will be very emotionally abusive and will sneer and deride any signs of weakness in their son, even from as young as 2 years.  The narcissist father will “forget” that his son is a child and will place adult expectations on him.  This type of father will constantly play power games with his son to show his control, without thinking (or probably even aware) about the consequences.  A narcissist father will always give his son age inappropriate tasks to perform.  This will make the child feel helpless, frustrated, humiliated and he will resent his father for putting him in that situation.  He might despise his father in childhood but will be unable to express himself.  Later in life he could have outbursts of uncontrollable rage and direct them at someone else, when he is really feeling his own sense of shame.  The feelings of resentment towards his father do not go away in adulthood because the narcissist father will continue to treat his son like a child when he is an adult and continue to bully and sneer at him.

It is very common for sons of narcissists to become narcissistic themselves.  This is because their emotional development gets arrested when they are very young, because their needs are not met.  A child will get his sense of self from their same sex parent, having a narcissistic father will inevitably create huge issues about being good-enough, worthy of love and acceptance.  No matter how loving his mother is this son will spend his life trying to gain his father’s approval, which of course he will never get. Any sort of acknowledgement by the narcissistic father will be met with a disproportional amount of gratitude from his son and in turn will make him try harder to please him.

A narcissistic father will set his son up to fail.  Nothing would threaten him more than if his son was more successful that he was.  The attitudes and behaviour of a narcissistic father can leave his son with intimacy issues and they will feel it very difficult to build significant relationships with others (friendships as well as partners), they may also partner with someone who is abusive towards them because that is what their definition of “love” feels like: cold, hyper critical and emotionally unavailable.

 

Boundaries

 

How to create and maintain boundaries

 

Abuse is all about gaining control and power of a victim.  It is important to remember that if you have been abused it is not your fault.  The pathological need to control someone else is all about the abuser and not the victim.

There are several different types of abuse, most of us think of sexual or physical abuse but there is also emotional abuse (a form of abuse that is gaining more recognition) financial abuse and social abuse.  Sexual abuse includes unwanted sexual advances or forced participation in a sexual activity.  Physical abuse includes violence, intimidation, but it also includes neglect especially in the vulnerable such as withholding food or not taking proper care of a child or the elderly.  Emotional abuse is when someone attacks the self-esteem and confidence of another. It can be verbal abuse such as name calling, shouting and nasty little comments but it can also come in the form of threats and intimidation.  Financial abuse includes theft or controlling someone else’s money determining what they may or may not spend.  Social abuse includes isolating someone from their family and friends so that the abuser has more control and the victim has no support system.

If you have been subjected to abuse it is important not to make excuses for someone else’s bad behaviour (like a tough childhood/stress at work) abuse is abuse and the reason that someone is abusive is irrelevant.  Abusers will treat you as badly as you let them, usually with abusive people they will see what they can get away with.  If you take one level of abuse they will push to see if you will accept more.  Abusers may or may not be aware that their behaviour is abusive but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.   You are not obliged to take abuse from someone because they have problems and nor are you obliged to teach them how to behave.   Trying to teach an adult how to behave is a complete waste of time and can lead to more abuse.  Most abusers have little or no self-awareness or an ability to introspect so focus on yourself and not the abuser, if it doesn’t feel right or okay with you, then it isn’t.

Many of us who have grown up in narcissistic families of origin have very poor boundaries, or at the very least porous ones.  Some of us are not comfortable for example with the word “no”, because we were not allowed to use it as children, or if we did it was ignored.  If you have been involved with an abuser as an adult, getting involved with someone new might make you feel nervous. There is no way of knowing if someone is abusive or not at the beginning, everyone is on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship.  The only way that you will be able to tell if someone is abusive or not is to take it slowly and see how they behave in various situations.  Take note for example how they treat people who are serving them in one form or another.

It is important to have boundaries for your integrity and safety.  Many of us were brought up to be excessively polite but that brings with it a certain amount of danger.  Always keep the word “no” in mind for when you feel someone is crossing a line.  Another thing to remember is just because someone asks you an intimate question about yourself, you are not obliged to answer, especially if the question exceeds the intimacy of your relationship.  The more you practice upholding boundaries the more respect, love and support you will get.  Boundaries are a form of protection both emotional and physical they also protect you from taking on other people’s “stuff” by being too open and accepting. Boundaries are there so that you can be true to yourself and not always looking for validation outside of yourself.

Boundaries are really important, but being educated about narcissism and its manifestations is also very important.  Being able to pick up subtle hints on how the mind of an abuser works is also important, for example, if someone says something negative in a joking manner, they are probably not joking and it should be taken into consideration.  If at the beginning of a relationship it feels “too good to be true”, it probably is. Everyone can put on an act for a while, it is only over time that you will see the mask slip.  It is also important to know what you want from a relationship.  Don’t let someone “choose” you, that is a recipe for disaster, the “choosing” must be mutual.  Never enter a relationship because you think that it would be rude to say “no”.  You are not for sale, so if someone showers you with presents and dinners it doesn’t mean that you owe them anything.

Boundaries will help you to build up your confidence, they won’t get rid of the limiting beliefs that caused you to have poor boundaries in the first place but they will protect you.

Boundaries will help you to tell who is trustworthy, who is respectful and who is showing up as their authentic self and not someone who is trying to create a persona of who they think that they should be (or think that you want them to be).

Boundaries mean that you will stop putting the needs of others before your own. Many of us who grew up in narcissistic families have been taught not to take up space, to be as small as possible so that are narcissistic parents can “shine”, this causes inner conflict because we are taught that being assertive is pushy, setting limits deprives the other person and asking for our needs to be met is selfish.  Acting in your own best interest can feel self-indulgent rather than self-care.

Many of us who grew up in narcissistic families don’t even know what are emotional needs are because they were always ignored or met with anger.  Here are a few basic ones:

  • I need to be acknowledged for myself and not as an extension of someone else
  • I need to be accepted
  • I need to be listened to (have a voice)
  • I need to be understood (as far as possible)
  • I need to be loved
  • I need to be appreciated
  • I need to be respected
  • I need to be valued
  • I need to feel worthy
  • I need to be trusted
  • I need to feel competent
  • I need to feel clear and not confused
  • I need to be supported
  • I need to be safe both physically and emotionally

It is really important to embrace your emotional needs, especially if you were never allowed to have any as a child.  They will determine how you allow yourself to be treated by others and take control of your life.

You will know that you are being manipulated and in an unhealthy relationship if:

  • Your mood is determined by the state of your relationship
  • You live in fear of losing the relationship
  • You have massive mood swings from euphoria to desperation
  • Your relationship has the same mood swings that you have
  • You don’t feel like there is a piece of your partner that is “hidden”
  • Your relationship doesn’t feel straight forward
  • There are issues in your relationship and you don’t know why you cannot sort them out
  • Your never sure where you stand with your partner and you are not sure really how committed s/he is
  • Your gut tells you that there is something that isn’t quite right
  • You have developed trust issues and are constantly trying to catch your partner out to see if what they told you was really true
  • You feel a lot of anger and resentment
  • You feel like you cannot openly express yourself without being interrupted or “shut down” or “corrected”
  • You are losing confidence
  • You don’t feel that you would be accepted if you were just you and not constantly controlling what you say and your expression of emotions
  • You do things that aren’t really “your thing”, but they are your partners
  • You wonder is this really as good as it gets?

You stay in the relationship because things aren’t always bad.  There are highs and lows, you think that all relationships have highs and lows but this is not the normal high and lows it is manipulation.  In a healthy relationship you can talk and solve differences.  In an abusive relationship the abuser will let victim think that all of their relationship problems are their fault.   They will let them know by either saying it directly or by inference.  A healthy relationship doesn’t have extreme highs and lows.  Boundaries keep you intact, in touch with your emotions, needs and wants and who you want to spend time with and who is toxic for you.

Boundaries protect your self-esteem, your self-worth they provide you with a sense of self, security and a place in this world.

When we don’t have boundaries we:

  • Don’t realise our own self-worth
  • We don’t know who to trust
  • We believe that others have our best interests at heart (especially if they are family or “friends”)
  • We place more importance on the needs of others than on our own
  • We sacrifice stuff we need, to give to others

If we don’t have good boundaries we constantly look to others for a sense of self.  This is particularly dangerous if the person to whom we are looking for reassurance from is destructive and needs to strip you down so that they can feel good about themselves.

Setting boundaries can feel seriously uncomfortable at first because if people are used to you not having boundaries they won’t like it at all when you put them in place.  Many of us will shy away from confrontation or we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Often people will say “what is wrongwith you, you have changed!”, but that is only because they preferred it when they could use your lack of boundaries for their own benefit. There is a huge difference between having healthy boundaries and mistreating people the people who do not like you having boundaries will imply that you are mistreating them by being less available for them to use.

We are all entitled to basic human rights, those of us who come from a narcissistic family of origin will have had our human rights badly eroded to the extent that we are not even sure what they are.  If we enter into abusive relationships later on in life they will only confirm to us what we are not entitled to because the abuser will see that they can “get away” with a lot of abusive behaviour without being called out on it.  Here are what some basic human rights look like:

  • My needs and feelings are as important as anyone else’s
  • I have the right to own my feelings and express them if I want to
  • I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or happiness
  • I have the right to express my opinions
  • I have the right to be independent if I want to be
  • I have the right to decide how I spend my time
  • I have the right to decide how I live my life
  • I have the right to change myself, my behaviours, my values and my life
  • I have the right to change my mind
  • I have the right to make mistakes
  • I have the right to develop and express my talents and interests
  • I have the right to choose who I spend time with
  • I have the right to choose who I share my body with
  • I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
  • I have the right to be listened to respectfully
  • I have the right to ask for what I want
  • I have the right to say “no”
  • I have the right to say “yes”
  • I have the right to set limits and boundaries
  • I have the right to walk away from relationships that are not good for me
  • I have the right to have my boundaries respected

Asserting boundaries includes recognition of these basic rights and defending them.  Defending boundaries takes daily practice and being on constant alert so that you do not tolerate violation of your boundaries like you did in the past. People will treat you as badly as you allow them to, so the thing is not to let them treat you badly.  Standing firm on your boundaries increases your respect for yourself and the respect that others have for you.

Signs of weak boundaries include:

  • Low self-worth and self-esteem
  • Apologising all of the time
  • Blushing easily
  • Doing things that make you feel uncomfortable
  • Doing things that you really don’t want to do
  • Going against you values, rights or needs to fit in with others
  • Putting other’s needs ahead of your own
  • Letting someone touch you when it makes you feel uncomfortable
  • Not being able to notice when someone’s behaviour is inappropriate
  • Staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy
  • Letting others direct your life and define who you are
  • Over giving without getting much or anything in return
  • Accepting food, drinks or presents that you don’t want
  • Letting others describe your reality
  • Not being able to ask for what you want
  • Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, constantly trying not to hurt them at your own expense
  • Complaining to others instead of talking directly to the person who you have an issue with
  • Seeking the approval of others
  • Self-consciousness and social anxiety
  • Saying yes when you want to say no
  • Feeling guilty for saying no
  • Saying no when you want to say yes
  • Not speaking up when you have something to say
  • Not calling someone out when they mistreat you
  • Avoiding conflict and difficult conversations
  • Spending time with people who drain you and who you don’t really like
  • Feeling that you do a lot for people but they don’t really appreciate it
  • Ignoring problems “to keep the peace”
  • Expecting others to know what you want without telling them

Self-worth comes from honouring who you are and what you want, you need to have your own best interest at heart and live an authentic life.  When you have healthy boundaries you will expect honest, respect, loyalty and emotional and physical safety.  You will not tolerate people destroying the things that you value ranging from dreams, beliefs to physical possessions.  It is important to have these expectations, otherwise it is very easy to bully you and make you conform to what the abuser wants.

If you come from a narcissistic family of origin you will have been taught that putting other people’s (and in particular your parents) needs before your own is a virtue and what “nice” children do.  There are people who will suck the life blood out of you and leave you gasping for air without a backward glance, you are not a child anymore and being “nice” isn’t necessarily going to serve you well when you are dealing with toxic people.

Highly empathic people have a tendency to think that they have more than enough love and emotion to share liberally.  This is not so because people who are takers have no limit on their ability to take, they are bottomless pits that cannot be satiated.  They will give the impression that if you just gave a little bit more all would be well, but the truth is they are never satisfied. Their inner landscape is completely blank and they need to feed off others in order to feel alive (narcissists have frequently been referred to as emotional vampires).   The reality is that they think that empaths are “stupid” to try so hard because somewhere deep down in the psyche of a narcissist they know that they are not worth the effort.  Gratitude is not part of the make-up of narcissists, they just take what they can get where ever they can get it.  As such they have no sense of loyalty, integrity or honour.

It is important to have a very clear idea of what our boundaries are and what we are prepared to tolerate.  People make mistakes but if they appologise and then repeat a behaviour that was not acceptable to you, then that apology is insincere and only uttered to make you back down.  We also need to have deal breakers/one strike too many/a step too far.  Minor discrepancies can be overlooked to some extent but there are some behaviours that are just too big to be ignored and it is important that you do not make excuses for the abuser’s bad behaviour. In short some traits and behaviours are simply non-negotiable.

When a narcissist meets a potential partner who s/he believes will “serve” them well, they will try to fast track the relationship and might well talk about marriage or cohabitation after the second date.  This is a red flag as no one can know someone else in such a short time. You will know that you are being preyed upon.  They will love bomb you and tell you that no one has ever understood them like you do and that they have finally found their soul mate.  They do this for two reasons they want to control you and also because they can see your good qualities and they are afraid that you might meet someone else.

 

Never feel obliged to say “I love you too” if you do not feel it.  The narcissist will try to force proclamations of love from you so that they say “but you said you love me” and hence will try to back you into a corner.  You decide on the pace of the relationship, what feels comfortable and how much you want to see of this person from the beginning.  Never feel guilt tripped into giving more of yourself than you want to. If you lose a person because you have put up boundaries, then you know that that person would not have made a good partner/friend.

To protect yourself in a new relationship it is really important to maintain your other relationships and interests.  This helps to maintain a sense of perspective and how the person in a new relationship reacts to you doing things without them will be very telling. They might say that the don’t mind you doing stuff without them but call you twice in an evening that you are out with friends or “accidentally” go to the same restaurant, which of course means that they are lying about being “okay” with it.

Narcissists will expect you to trust them from day one.  In fact, they depend on it and will bristle with self-righteous indignation if you withhold your trust until they have proven that they are worthy of it.  Trust is something that is built up over time and in many different situations if someone tries to extract trust from you – this is another red flag.  In a healthy relationship both parties know that trust is built not extracted from others.

Another good way to view a potential partner is to see how they treat other people and animals.  In particular, how they treat people who are not “useful” to them.  Listen how they talk about their exes and other people, it will be indicative of how much respect and space they can or are willing to hold for other people and you. Trying to teach another person how to behave is a complete waste of time.  One cannot make another change, that has to come from within them, if they do not treat you with care, love and respect then that person has their own issues and you (or anyone else) cannot iron them out for them.  You cannot show them that there is a problem, because if they cannot see it, then it probably isn’t somewhere that they want to go or are not sufficiently emotionally developed to be able to go there.

If they do not respect your boundaries they do not respect you.   Most boundaries violations start off small and then they grow according to what they have been let get away with.  It is important therefore, that you address the small stuff so that you can determine if they respect you enough to correct their behaviour or not.  It is important that you state clearly what the boundary is that you feel that they have violated, don’t expect the other person to second guess why you feel disrespected.  Different people have different boundaries, what you consider to be a boundary violation might have been perfectly accepted in their family of origin or by their ex. You can use the classic “when you do that I feel” opener (not “you make me feel”).

There are some boundary violations which are just unacceptable from the word go, such as if a person treats you with contempt, distain or treats you differently in front of other people than they do in private.  Someone who treats you differently depending who else is around does not respect you as a human, they are objectifying you and treating you as a prop or possession.

You do not have to explain your boundaries to anyone.  They are your boundaries in the same way that you do not have to defend your core beliefs.  They are your set of “rules” for you.  It is impossible to justify boundaries to someone who refuses to acknowledge them, the only thing that you can do is to put distance between yourself and that person.  They are violating boundaries to get what they want at your expense, so it is important not to be too easy going about boundary violation.  On the other-hand it is important that your boundaries do not define you a bit of flexibility in a safe environment is not a “bad” thing so long as it does not compromise you and your dignity.

It takes time to see the true nature of a person and it is easy to project good intention where there is none (because that is who we want them to be), don’t fall for a person’s potential, if they seem problematic it is probably because they are.  Walking away from someone who is problematic is not an insult to them (although they might not see it that way – but that is part of the problem) it is self-care, when you take care of yourself you can make a much greater contribution to society at large.

 

 

 

Narcissistic parents and their children’s relationships

 

Narcissistic parents will interfere with all of their children’s relationships.  Those will include:

  • Relationships between siblings (triangulation) and setting one off spring against another.
  • Friendships must be with people that the narcissist does not feel threatened by in any way, so they will disallow friendships that they do not feel that they can completely control. With young children, they will simply refuse to let certain friends of their children over to play.  This could be because the friend of their child is too confident and “sets a bad example” for their own child.  Or because the narcissistic parent is threatened by the parents of the other child. They could be too rich, too popular, too poor, too intellectual or accomplished in some field.
  • As the child gets older they will control friendships by making their own child feel like they make “bad” friendship choices if they do not feel completely in control of the relationship. They will do this by sneering, belittling and overtly mocking their friendship choices.  They will also make that friend feel unwelcome in the family home by ignoring the friend or by being overtly rude to that person.
  • When their teenage children start to have romantic interests they will go into over drive. A narcissistic mother will be overly invested in the sex life of her daughter (especially the scapegoat), repeatedly yelling at them about the perils of getting pregnant and the dire consequences for them if they do, or they can like the drama of teenage romance and want to know every single detail, demanding that their daughter or son over share with them.
  • Children (even adult children) are hard wired to want to belong to their family of origin, so usually they will try to select friends, lovers or partners that will be accepted into their family, as they know that this is the only way that they themselves will be accepted. So, in a way children of narcissistic parents do not choose their own friends/partners it often becomes “a family decision” which leaves that “child” wide open to abusive relationships because the narcissistic parent is not thinking about how that person will behave towards their child, they are only thinking about what that person can offer the narcissist.  Even if they see that the person is being abusive to their child it will not matter to the narcissist so long as that person is charming to them, brings status, celebrity or money or anything that they perceive will make the “look good”.  The narcissistic parent will very often try to be more “important” in their children’s relationships than the child itself.  Or in the case of opposite sex parents will try to be more important to their child than their husband or wife, marginalising the influence that the wife or husband has on their own family decisions.  This can be done by bullying, ignoring the needs and wants of the spouse or by threatening to withhold financial support.  Frequently favouritising more compliant siblings to show how beneficial it is to do the parent’s bidding.

Overt traits of covert narcissists

They are extremely judgmental of others.  This is because they have so many insecurities they are hyper critical of those around them.  Their criticism of others bears absolutely no relation to reality, if fact, the more threatened they are of the positive attributes of a person, the more critical they will be and the more inclined they will be “to bring them down a peg”.

They are usually charming to the person’s face and viscous about them behind their back. They are quite capable of all sweetness and light and make horrible comments under their breath as they walk away. That charm will be increased when they want something from a person.  This can include material goods, money and status.  There is absolutely nothing authentic about their relationships with others.

Their motto is “attack is the best method of defense”, so no matter what happens nothing is ever their fault.  This denial of responsibility refers to everything from taking a wrong turn in traffic, a failed relationships, abusive behaviour or even a badly cooked meal. They will project every potential negative feeling about themselves on to someone or something else.  A classic comment from a covert narcissist is “now look what you made me do”.  Their arguments are so illogical and so repetitive that there is no point in giving a counter argument.

You will never have a more isolated or lonely “relationship” than that with a covert narcissist.  They may act like part of a couple but every now and then they will drop a comment that makes you think “they have absolutely no idea who I am”.  They will also constantly tell you “who you are” and “who they are”, they never let actions speak for themselves, they always accompany their behaviour (and yours) with a narrative that paints them as nothing less that flawless and is designed to devalue you, they will often feign pity for you for being so substandard and imply that you are very lucky to have them because not many people would tolerate such an imperfect partner/ friend like you.

Covert narcissists are completely amoral and without conscience or remorse.  They objectify other people and they only see them in terms of what they can harvest out of another for their own gain.  They do not care if they suck someone dry, they will merely cast them aside and go on the hunt for a better resource of attention, money or status.  When a narcissist cheats, lies or abuses another person they see it as a “hit, a point or a score”, it makes them feel powerful and in control.

Narcissists are extremely condescending and they need to be like this because they have to feel superior at all times.  It is as though they think that if they “permit” the freedom of expression of others in their presence that they will completely and disappear.  Because like all bullies they are weak and cowards, so they have a tendency to negate, devalue and disregard the thoughts/opinions and feelings of others almost out of a fear that they will be over shadowed. However, if you listen to the content of what they say, there are no core values/beliefs and their opinions change depending on who is in front of them and how much they think they can “impress”.

They are the people who can walk over someone who is obviously in distress/dying on a busy street and will get annoyed with them for “being in their way” (unless of course there is an audience in which case they will be the epitome of “compassion”). They despise it when people talk about their illness or misfortune but expect 100% attention/empathy when they are talking about themselves.

Their emotional/self-awareness and interpersonal/social skills are extremely low. They also have absolutely no capacity for logic (which is directly related to their inability to take personal responsibility for anything – including things that they say themselves), it is for this reason that you can never have an authentic connection.

The saying goes “if you are looking for offense, you will always find it” and so it is with narcissists.  Their radar is constantly in search of possible slights on their character. Like all highly critical people they are extremely sensitive to even the mere hint of anything other than an accolade. This could include not being at home when they called by (naughty you, you should have known), to laughing at yourself (which they will see as an indirect attack on them).  Everything that happens around them, they revert back to themselves.  For example, if you go on holiday somewhere nice and have a great time, they will see that as you doing it on purpose “to rub their nose in it” because they couldn’t get time off work/spent their money on an extension of their house.  Either way you went on your holiday specifically to insult or make them jealous.  They literally cannot understand that you might have booked your holiday without them in mind.

If they know that you want/would like something from them, they will deliberately withhold it from you because they would see that as you taking advantage of them and that is their job not yours!  This could be anything from old clothes that they are discarding that you admired, a lift to the airport to someone to listen to a problem you are having. The answer will always be “NO” unless there is something in it for them.

They are extremely envious of others (to a pathological extent), they will try to hide it but they will also try to get some of what you have from you.  Even if they have much more for example in material wealth, they will still try to take from those who are less affluent.  This is linked to the fact that they cannot feel gratitude for what they have and are always looking for more even if it means cheating, stealing or lying.

The covert narcissist constantly needs low level attention, they don’t necessarily want to be a pop star but they do expect to be the centre of attention in all of their other relationships, they will constantly charm new people and utterly ignore those who they think that they “have”.

Controlling people

 

Controlling people

 

Controlling people are very keen on telling others who they are, what they are, what they are thinking and the motivation behind their actions.  They will deliver their “insights” with such “authority” that you will feel that you have to defend yourself.  No one has the “right” to define someone else, most people do not know themselves very well never mind somebody else.  It is a complete and absolute violation of boundaries and one of the narcissists favourite means of control.  The narcissist will believe their own fantasy world and think that what they are saying/doing is actually right or constructive.  They will justify their actions by saying/thinking “well someone had to tell him/her, I was the only one who had the courage to do it!”

 

Control is a really destructive problem in any relationship whether it is romantic, friendship, professional or familial. When people try to control others they are attempting to define that person according to what they want/need them to be.  They cannot see that the other person exists and a sentient being that exists in their own right, they don’t respect you for who you are and it can be done in many ways such as:

  • Negative comments couched in false concern or “helpful advice”.
  • Gaslighting, denying your reality and projecting their own made up one.
  • Complete disregard for your feeling.
  • Constant lying about even the most frivolous things
  • Inventing “stories” about negative things that other people said about you.
  • Trying to prevent you from expressing yourself and negating everything your say.
  • Cruel “jokes” that are designed to hurt.
  • Adapting a really condescending and contemptuous attitude towards you.
  • Making examples of other to demonstrate what could happen to you if you do not submit to their coercion.
  • Going on a smear campaign behind your back if they feel like they are losing control, so that they damage your reputation before they are exposed.

The problem with recognizing controlling people is that a lot of their control is very subtle and we tend to see their comments as bad taste, we think that we must have missed something when they lie (because they are absolute masters at inventing lies on the spot) or accuse ourselves of being paranoid when people’s behaviour changes as a result of a smear campaign.

 

Controlling people will always play the victim if they are pulled up on their behaviour.  They will say things like “I was only trying to be helpful, you are so ungrateful”  or “you always misunderstand what other people are saying” (universal miscomprehension – how could they possibly know this?) or “do you always have to be so negative, you are not always right you know”.

When a person has good intentions (in general) it is hard to imagine the motivation behind a controllers behaviour because the big question is “why would anyone want to do that?”, the best “reason” that I have come across is because they are essentially very weak personalities and they think that if anyone else shines that they will disappear completely. Everything that happens around them they relate back to themselves, so for example a child could get sick at a time when a narcissistic parent wanted to go on a weekend break and the narcissist will think that the child did it on purpose to ruin their holiday, a puppy could chew up their favourite pair of shoes and the narcissist will think that the puppy “knew they were my favourite (and did it on purpose)).

It is possible to break free from the spell binding dominance of a controller and this is done by standing back and taking a long hard look at their actions, not their words.  The disparity between their actions and words is also a controlling tactic. When you see the pattern, there is absolutely no point in addressing it with them because they will deny everything and project their bad behaviour back on to you.  What needs to be done is to move out of their presence as much as possible, create relationships with other people who will support your reality and to learn (or relearn) to trust yourself and your intuition/gut feelings again.