Holding space for someone

When we hold space for others it means that we empathise that we can feel other people’s pain where ever their journey might have taken them, without judging them for making “wrong” decisions, making them feel “less than”, by trying to fix them with our “superior knowledge” or influence the outcome or get annoyed with them because they don’t take our advice.  What holding space for someone means is that we open our hearts and our minds, we offer a non-judgmental non-controlling space where they can just be themselves and try to work their own problems out.

It is really hard to hold space for other people unless we feel that someone has “our back” which is why “normal” people in relationships with narcissists can appear really flakey and unreliable because they can seem really supportive and loving when all is well with their narcissist and disintegrate for their friends when they come under a barrage of fire from the same, as a narcissist’s attack is nearly always savage and can leave their victim very unstable because all is not what it seemed to be.

Holding space for other people is the essence of being a human.  It is not about money, success and all of those superficial things.  It is not what we have been taught but it is what is true.  We need to let people (now more than ever) be weak, be vulnerable and to feel safe to ask for help.

The rules are very simple:

  1. Don’t try to tell people who you think that they should be. That does not mean that you should live without boundaries.
  2. Don’t “over advise” or get pissed off when they don’t take your advice, they are living their own journey and trusting their own intuition (however that might be at the time), it is their journey not yours
  3. Don’t overload people with information, narcissism is a really hard concept to accept – be gentle/ be kind.

When people first learn about narcissism there is a lot of incredulity/half acceptance because they cannot believe that they are “that bad”, to be supportive expect to hear the person you are supporting become quite obsessed with the topic and be very repetitive, they only want you to listen so that they can work it out for themselves.  They are learning about the condition and are trying to mold the vast amount of information out there in to their own particular situation.

If we judge them as they grapple around in their confusion they will immediately recoil into their shell, when we hold space for them we give them the courage to move on and the resilience to keep going.

There is a phase in the journey on learning about narcissism when people have a tendency to beat themselves up and wonder “how could I have been so stupid/blind?”, “how could I have been so “accepting” of this type of abuse?”.  This is just an inevitable part of the journey and each person’s story is different.  However, there are two main reasons why people accept abuse the first is they come from a narcissistic family of origin, so abuse is their form of “love” and the second is that a narcissist will constantly check boundaries (like a small child) and every time they are permitted an abuse, the next time they will push a little harder.  So what might feel like a behaviour that occurred as a result of a bad day or fatigue is really the first steps towards something much more sinister.

A person who has been abused will be very confused so when they come to you for advice, instead of telling them what you think that they need to know, ask them open questions so that they can discover for themselves.

When a person feels that they are in a safe space, that is to say with people who are empathetic, compassionate and tender, they can get in touch with all of their more complex emotions and if necessary completely break down in front of the person(s) who is supporting them.  This is of immense help to the victim because they can then get in touch with “stuff” that they have been denying or minimalizing up to this point.

Strength and confidence are very important if you are going to hold space for someone.  Which means that you are in for the long haul (while respecting your own boundaries) and that you will not be shocked or aghast by what you hear or “turned off” by excessive emotional outbursts.

It is not easy to hold space for other people and it takes patience and practice.  It is also important that you do not hold space for the “wrong” person, someone who just wants an emotional crutch and shows no real desire to grow and move on. This is a hard thing to recognize because it is not always obvious


Intimacy with a partner

Intimacy with a narcissist

  • Narcissists prefer second hand relationships, where they can feign intimacy with another person because they have harvested information about them through a third party, but they don’t actually have to have any direct contact.With a narcissist it is always all about drama and in this way, they feel involved but do not feel like they are “under scrutiny/threat” like they would do if they had a genuinely intimate relationship.
  • This “scrutiny” manifests itself as a potential risk to the narcissist as they interpret it as them being judged which could pose a potential threat as the person might not admire/like them or might expose them in some way, other than the image of themselves that they want to project. Which could be seen as narcissistic injury, and can create fear of abandonment or narcissistic rage.
  • There is also the risk that the narcissist could be held accountable for their behaviour and that would be unacceptable and another threat to them.
  • If you have grown up in a narcissistic family of origin, it might well be that it will be very easy for a narcissistic partner to shame you and the easier it will be for them to attack you and the harder you find it to be to defend yourself against their emotional attacks. If you are vulnerable with a narcissist they will be constantly harvesting information to use against you and the more vulnerability or sensitivity you show the more aggressive their attacks will be.  This might cause an emotional flashback and make you want to pull back into your shell (remember that narcissists are cowards and the more they feel they have upset you, the stronger the attack will be)

The more “intimate” you get with a narcissist the colder and more aloof they will get.  This is because they see intimacy as an attack and will start to be abusive to keep you at arms-length, this can happen in three ways:

  • By attacking you directly by using various forms of verbal and other types of abuse
  • By comparing you negatively either directly or by insinuation to other people
  • By moving into a state of emotional unavailability and disassociation after a period of being very keen. They will deny your emotional needs and will tell you how you should or should not feel and will not tell you how they feel themselves – so there are absolutely no foundations in the relationship with which you can work on.
  • The expression “familiarity breeds contempt” is very appropriate here, as the more the narcissist feels like they have “hooked” you, the less effort they make. You are no longer a valued audience and so they will drop the pretence of their projected image and show up for who they really are.
  • Another way that they will avoid intimacy is to put their potential new friend or partner (you) up on a pedestal (in the beginning) and they will categorically deny you any vulnerabilities or flaws and so they will not let you climb down from the limb that they have placed you. This is a very effective tool to avoid intimacy because it manifests itself as admiration but it is really just a means of blocking any emotional connection.

What “normal” intimacy looks like:

  • Your partner does not constantly and consistently lie to you.
  • Your partner can discuss issues in rational terms and not react in instant rage, change the subject or storm off in a huff over something minor.
  • Your partner will listen to your point of view without viewing it as an attack and will aim to come to some sort of mutual agreement.
  • Your partner will not start to slander you in the middle of a discussion.
  • Your partner will consider your emotional and practical needs and will try to support you.
  • Your partner will take responsibility for their actions and behaviour and will make a sincere apology if they have hurt or offend you.
  • Your partner does not try to get revenge if they feel that you have injured them in some way.
  • Your partner will have the ability to ask you for what they need in a clear, honest and direct manner. No “guess what I am feeling” games.
  • Your partner is actively engaged in creating a loving, caring and healthy relationship.
  • Your partner cares about your physical and mental well-being and would not use either any of your vulnerabilities as a whip to hit you with.



Toxic Love

Toxic Love

The main qualities of all toxic people are that they are:

  • Very judgmental of others and have little or no self-awareness. They will happily strip someone else’s reputation or self-esteem, it is very often the things that they criticise in others that they are guilty of themselves.
  • They live off drama and will drum it up whenever and were ever possible. If you share some vulnerability with them in confidence, they will tell everyone, embellishing the story for dramatic effect.  Why let the truth get in the way of a good story?  If they can weave their way into it for dramatic effect, they will.
  • They will only talk to you when they want something from you. This might be a favour, a job that they want you to help them with (as in do for them), money or support in some argument that they have got into and they are trying to elicit sympathy for themselves.  This is a one- way street and they will be quite annoyed if you thought that you could count on them.  That is not their job it is yours!
  • They keep family/social secrets from you, so that you do not send that “congratulations on your 50th anniversary” card they will also “forget” to mention an informal celebration where invitations are by word of mouth only and you find out about it after the event. Of course they will say “I told you about it”, which is gas lighting because they know very well that they specifically and deliberately did not.
  • They say nasty things about another person and the then attribute it to you. So, if they want to say something nasty to someone’s face they say “Mary thinks that you are …” or “Peter is convinced that you did…”
  • They are never always abusive (unfortunately, it would be so much easier to spot if they were), there is just enough positive reinforcement for you to forgive them again and again making excuses for their behaviour like they are having a bad day or have a problem. Eventually you realise the pattern.

It is for the above series of toxic behaviour patterns that many people seek therapy. However, toxic love brings this type of toxicity to a much deeper level.

Love like narcissism is on a spectrum at the high end of the spectrum is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is only really appropriate for babies and children.  Emotionally healthy adults do not look for unconditional love from another adult because they were taught to love themselves as a child and do not seek to be that enmeshed with another person, they don’t try to extract the emotional support that they never received in their own childhood from an external and inappropriate source.


At the low end of the spectrum is toxic love, toxic love in words looks like “I need you, you’re useless, take care of me, give me everything that you have got and I will always try to force more out of you than you want to give – as proof of your love for me, but I will never love you back because I do not know what love is or means”.  In addition, “I will measure your “love” for me in relation to how much pain you are prepared to take from me.”


The word “love” is used very frequently by people who have absolutely no idea what it means to have a communion or healthy communication with another person.  They see attention as “love” and they mistake the attention buzz for something more meaningful than temporary gratification or as a means to get their needs satisfied whether it is “emotional”, financial or sexual.  This type of “love” is based in fear rather than any desire to truly and authentically connect with another person.

Many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are afraid either of losing their “security” within the relationship or from fear of loneliness and vulnerability.  Long relationships are considered to be successful ones, but very often it is because both parties feel trapped that they stay together.

The dominant emotions in a toxic love pattern are insecurity and anxiety.  This does not only apply to adults it also applies to children of narcissistic parents.  They can never feel that they are safe, they are never relaxed in the relationship and never feel like they have a home that will always be there for them.  This is because their parents will make sure that their children understand that their acceptance with in the family is determined exclusively on how well they serve their parent(s).  They live in fear of what the consequences might be if they misbehaved (unknowingly) in some way, so they mostly try to be as invisible as possible.

Both adult to adult and parent child toxic love relationships are typified by cycles of highs and lows.  Just when the adult or child is convinced that the person that they love doesn’t love them, they are given brief moments of bliss where they feel completely accepted and an integral part of a very important relationship but then the mistreatment, the abuse, the lies and the manipulation start all over again and they are left wondering what they have done and where did that person that they loved so much just yesterday disappear to and why?  Did they do something wrong?  Should they try harder?

There are some signs that indicate that the relationship that you have is toxic whether with another adult or with a family member:

  • You are constantly second guessing yourself and doubting your own reality. You will probably have been told that you are “too sensitive”, so you question whether you are over reacting or not.
  • Denying your own feelings, telling yourself “it’s not that important, it was only a dinner to celebrate something for me that they didn’t show up for, I  need to let it go”
  • You continually try to “make things better” between you, working hard to make things “right” and are constantly checking to see “how things are going”.
  • Constantly apologising for things that you did or didn’t do or taking responsibility for things that you are not responsible for.

The very definition of a relationship is that  a person can relate to you, show empathy, support and compromise.  We do not merge into one person but I am who I am and you are who you are and we can relate to each other in the whole form of who we are and our relationship develops we both grow from the mutual experience.

Healthy love vs toxic love looks like:

Healthy Love

  • Gives the space and respect for the two individuals to grow and be themselves
  • Celebrates the other person and gives space for that person to grow and develop
  • “Permits” and celebrates the other person’s interests, friends and respects their other relationships without trying to be completely involved with them.

Trusts the other person, without feeling that they have to monitor their behaviour.  They expect the other person to behave in a responsible way.

  • Knows compromise, problem solves together and works together to find a mutually acceptable solution
  • Can see and appreciate the other person’s individuality, they can see the other person’s soul
  • Can embrace all aspects of reality, both the highs and lows. There are no no-go areas for discussion or exploration
  • Allows both parties stand as an individual and their moods are not determined by outside influences or the other person’s “stuff”.
  • There is a healthy concern and investment in the other person without suffocating or trying to control him or her.
  • Permits the other person personal space to be alone or with others
  • Is not in constant competition with the other person and does not have to feel “better than”.

Toxic Love

  • Has an obsession with the relationship and a determination to force it into what “it should be” with a total disregard for the other individual
  • Tries to clip the wings of the other person, stifle their development to ensure security, maintain a comfort zone and resist all change
  • Tries to control all other relationships the other person has such as family, friends, work colleagues, interests, social life and career choices
  • Has no trust, tries to control, pathologically envious, dismissive of relationships with friends and family members
  • Is a power/control dynamic it seeks drama and discord, not solutions. It is manipulative and often cruel
  • Tries to turn the other person into what they want them to be using shame and blame as their primary tools
  • Is based on how things “should be”, not how they are. There is a tape playing in their head that over rides or rewrites anything unpleasant or uncomfortable
  • Expects that the other person will take responsibility for and rescue them when things don’t go according to how they “should be”
  • Is where one person is enmeshed in everything that the other person does. They take independent action and as a personal insult and try to draw that person back into their orbit
  • Cannot be alone, is clingy demanding and invasive
  • Needs to feel superior to the other person at all times and will go to lengths to tell them so





Love Bombing

Love bombing is a term that was invented to describe how narcissists lure their potential target into their narcissistic orbit, it has absolutely nothing to do with genuine love, it is a manipulation technique that narcissists use to make their potential target feel like they are adored, admired and exciting so that the person thinks that they think that they are the most important person in the narcissist’s world, that the narcissist is head over heels in love with them.

They flood you with all kinds of communications that are available to them, it could be phone calls, text messages, emails, messages on social media sites, flowers and other presents. This is most common in potential romantic liaisons but it can also happen with new platonic relationships too.  The narcissist will constantly compliment you and you will feel flattered by all of their attention and will be lulled into a false sense that the narcissist is really besotted by you.

When the narcissist is physically around you they will listen intently to everything that you say, hang on your every word, feign interest in the things that you are interested in or hold important.  They will seem like they are really in touch with your feelings, dreams and values and that they really want to get involved in a committed relationship.  Attention blasting would be a more accurate term.

You might feel a little uneasy about this as it can feel over the top, exaggerated or too good to be true.  This is because it is, there is nothing sincere or balanced about this type of behaviour.  It is being done as a means to an end.  To have you give them narcissistic supply.  You might even feel like you are not giving enough back if you do not mimic some of the narcissists behaviour, in fact the narcissist will let you know (albeit subtly) that you need to give more and so this type of behaviour will become normalised to some extent.  The intense listening and mimicking that the narcissist does is just a ruse that they employ to harvest information about you so that they can and will use it against you at some time in the future.

While as the target of love bombing you might feel flattered there will also be the inevitable nagging feeling that you are being preyed upon and the endless attention and interrogation about what they were doing and who they did it with, will often feel suffocating and infantile as no adult usually pries into the life of another adult with such intensity.  It simply isn’t healthy.  “Light hearted stalking” might also occur at this stage, they could be waiting for you outside your work with a bunch of flowers or they might know that you are going for a drink with some friends and turn up at the bar where you have told them you will be “because they just happened to be in the area too”.

The level of attention might even garner envy or admiration from friends and family and they might comment on how lucky it is to be held in such high esteem.  It is very confusing for you t because your gut will tell you that something isn’t quite right but all the evidence/advice will mitigate against them.

As a result of all of the information harvesting that the narcissist did, they will have been able to find out exactly the sort of person you are is looking for in your life and will   metamorphosize into that person.

It is at this stage that you let down your guard and let the narcissist into your life.  You will not see the lying, cheating or the parasitical nature of the narcissist at this stage because you simply don’t know them well enough.  You will not notice that they narcissist expects you to do everything for them and will give back only the very bare minimum to stop the whole relationship from falling apart (at the beginning).  However, like an infant the narcissist will push the boundaries to see just how much they can get away with and unless you hold your ground those boundaries will be pushed without limits.  Trying to get them to co-operate or contribute financially can feel like more effort than it is worth, it might be met with narcissistic rage (a ploy used to get their target to back down) or it might make you feel like you are being a terrible nag because you have to keep asking the same thing over and over again.  This is a typical narcissistic strategy, to make you out to be something negative for something that they will or will not do.  They flip their faults onto you, and narcissists while highly sensitive to any sort of criticism, will have absolutely no hesitation in calling other people horrible names, telling them who and what they are in a very negative way.  Because they do it to everybody you may think that it is just bluster, it is not.  It is a deliberate ploy to break your spirit.  No matter how strong you are if you are constantly given negative feedback about everything that you say and do, it will eventually break you down (not you, anyone)

The narcissist will constantly tell you how fantastic they are themselves and how amazing the relationship is, how great you make them feel and that they have at last found their soul mate.  There are two things that you will notice at this stage and those are that the narcissist will move in for “the kill” very quickly, that is that they could start to talk about moving in together on the second date.  The other this is that you will feel that you don’t feel as strongly as the narcissist does about the relationship and in some way you will feel badly that you just cannot see it, that there must be something lacking in you.  This is all part of the grand design.

The narcissist will constantly monitor you to see how well their manipulation is working.  Their exaggerated language is deliberate so that even if you don’t return the complements in exactly the same lavish language that they use you will feel obliged to accept it and return some of it.  When the narcissist sees that their ploy is working they will simply raise the bar, or push the boundaries.  You might feel that it is all moving too fast (because it is), but the narcissist has to move fast for fear of losing you or for being found out for being the insincere fraud that s/he is.  The narcissist will give a running commentary on how amazing and brilliant the relationship is going, how friends are jealous and will categorically deny any “let’s slow down” or other caution comments that you might make.

It is worth noting that the narcissist will not ask you how you feel and if you express doubts the narcissist will just flip it back on you with a comment that will be designed to make you feel that the fault is with you.

Once they have hooked you with their charm and flattery you will only then begin to realise what the narcissist is really like.  They will have already have started to erode your confidence and self-esteem.  This doesn’t happen overnight, it is done on a very slow almost undetectable way, so that you might just think that the narcissist is being sloppy with the language that they use, but they are not.  Their put downs will get stronger as the narcissist sees that they have eroded your willingness to defend yourself, eventually it will end up as undisguised abuse, except when they are in public and then the narcissist will perform like the perfect partner.

It is important at the love bombing stage to listen intently to how the narcissist describes other people, especially their exs.  They will probably oscillate between how amazing they were in bed etc. and how they didn’t understand the narcissist.  The first comment is to try to make you feel inadequate, and the second is to make you feel like they really need you.  This contrast creates confusion and that is their intention and you will start to doubt yourself and what you think/feel and in this state of confusion you will be much easier to control.  That is what it is all about for the narcissist is control and power.

A narcissist has to try to make you invisible because their own self-esteem is so weak, that they have to diminish everyone around them for the fear that if another person shines even slightly, that they will just disappear completely.

It may sound like the narcissist is a great strategist, but this is not the case.  Think of the spoilt child that makes their nanny’s life hell, well it is the same thing with a narcissist.  It is not sophisticated as their behaviour is infantile.  The reason that most of us don’t see it coming is because adults simply do not behave that way. 



Emotionally unavailable people


Your truest friends are the ones who will stand by you in your darkest moments – because they’re willing to brave the shadows with you – and in your greatest moments – because they’re not afraid to let you shine.”

Nicole Yatsonsky

  • They are not touchy feely and will go quite rigid if you go to hug or kiss them.
  • They prefer to communicate via email, social media or text messages. These messages will be peppered with xxx’s and love hearts that do not match their warmth when they see you face to face.
  • If you do not make all of the effort to keep the “relationship” going you will probably never hear from them again, unless they want something from you.
  • They tend to see everything in black and white, good or bad. There is not much room for grey areas when they are expressing themselves and they will be adamant that they are right, even when they completely contradict themselves in a conversation.
  • They always have to feel “better than” and are in direct competition with everyone.
  • On the rare occasions when they do try to express emotions (albeit within the realm of their limited spectrum) it will seem contrived and tone of voice or body language might easily contradict the content of what they are saying.
  • They will try to prevent you from expressing your feelings either by shutting you down or arguing ten reasons why you “shouldn’t” feel the way that you do.
  • They will let you know that they find your feelings and emotions a real burden for them and will imply that it would be better (for them) if you didn’t express them so readily.
  • They do not have an authentic emotional reaction to things like sad films, music, drama or other people’s stories. However, they will fake it if they see everyone else is reacting in a certain way but once you know the person you will see that it is contrived.
  • They are not interested in trying to understand the psychology of their own behaviour or the behaviour of others.
  • They rarely express happiness or enthusiasm, if they do it will be for something good that happened to them, other people’s accomplishments/happiness are nothing to get excited about or celebrate.
  • If you try to depend on them for anything, they will think that you are taking them for granted and will feel suffocated and used, even when they take absolutely everything that you do for them as their right.
  • They see tears as a tool for manipulation and will go cold and judgmental when someone is crying (even a child).
  • They divulge personal information on a need to know basis only. Their desire for privacy tips over into pathological secrecy and all of their private information will be hidden under passwords and key.
  • They have absolutely no hesitation looking at other people’s very private data.
  • They will not have the normal reaction of smiling when they see someone they know and like, their expression will not change or can seem like a hostile cold stare.
  • Their “relaxed” standing pose can be very hunched and rigid.
  • They can have a mood change in a flash for “no apparent reason”
  • If you feel like you are getting to know each other, they can suddenly act like they only just met you.






Body Language

An overt narcissist will have a tendency to have haughty arrogant postures.  For example, the male narcissist might walk down the street with his chest puffed up or move with a swanky stride.  The overt female narcissist will walk into a room as though she was walking down a cat walk.  Covert narcissists are not so “obvious” with their posturing.  However, there all have other strange types of body language such as:

  • They can look at others with complete distain, to let them know that in the narcissist’s eyes they are not worthy of acknowledgement. A narcissist will often have a wide personal space, but can stare with a cold predatory stare/dead eyes, paying close attention to your body language looking for signs that you might be weak or vulnerable.  These signs could be that fact that you blush easily or that you are indecisive when ordering from a menu or look for advice from others. It may seem that they are “interested” in you and they are they are assessing you to see how useful you might be to them.
  • Their dead eyed stare can look straight through you as if you weren’t there. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, go for minimum eye contact with them.  When they have ascertained what your vulnerabilities are they will jump on the opportunity to exploit them for their own personal gain.  Narcissists have a hidden agenda in everything that they do.  If you can stare back at them and they will usually loose interest as they will realise that you are not so easy to intimidate, only stare back at them if you don’t have an emotional reaction to someone glaring at you.
  • When a narcissist speaks they tend to use a very emotionless language, this is because they are in touch with only the most basic emotions like happy, sad, fear, shame, guilt, jealousy and envy. They do not have access to the vocabulary of the more nuanced emotions because they do not feel them themselves. As we know if a narcissist doesn’t feel them, then they aren’t important.
  • If a person is being emotional or excited about something they can have a very inappropriate reaction, like laughing when someone tells them something that upset them or made them sad or looking upset or being totally dismissive when someone tells them something that they are really happy or excited about.
  • However, when reading other people’s body language in in particular their facial expressions, they are really good at seeing the macro emotions at play which they in turn use to manipulate their victim. When a narcissist is luring someone in, they will pay attention to the rules of conversation and can be very charming.  Once the person is hooked, they will go back to their default position of talking which includes constantly interrupting, never listening, talking over people, looking bored if the focus is not on them or just walking away when someone is in mid-sentence.
  • Normally when we meet someone we smile to show the other person that we are pleased to see them. Not so with the narcissist.  The can greet a person without showing any change in their facial expression (unless they are trying to impress that person), their tone of voice will not show any pleasure in seeing that other person either, it will be flat and emotionless.
  • The narcissist will use very direct language to find out what people’s fears are and what makes them feel uncomfortable, when they hardly know them at all, if you ask a direct question back they will feel under attack and detach from the question without answering. Narcissists have absolutely no intention of being open with you at the same level that they “demand” that you are with them.  If they do not deflect a direct question they will just lie.
  • The narcissist might have an effected way of talking such as talking with a foreign accent even though they have never left the country, being over dramatic in the delivery of their speech as though they were on stage, talk in a very slow and measured way so that it takes them ages to say something, talking in a very quiet voice so that people have to concentrate really hard to hear them and lean into them so that they can hear, talk in a loud booming voice that will drown other conversations out or narcissistic women will often speak in a “ickle baby voice”, like a child of three to appear “cute”, the message being “I need someone to take care of me”.
  • The narcissist has the ability to be extremely charming and engaged with a person who they think are worthy of their attention and will completely ignore someone else because they are deemed unworthy or inferior in their mind, but they can also be ignored because they threaten the narcissist in some way, like being funnier, more intelligent, having nicer clothes, a bigger car etc. The way that a narcissist will approach someone who they perceive as a threat is to evaluate how useful this person could potentially be.  If they cannot see how this person can be used they will sneer and jeer at this person, accuse them of being a show off etc.  They often do this by making faces behind that person’s back, making insulting hand gestures or rude facial expressions.
  • Narcissists can often touch others inappropriately either sexually or to show dominance (not in a touchy feely friendly way). This is an act of control, but they will get very angry of someone should have the audacity to do the same to them.
  • They can push in front of other people in queues or just shove people out of the way on a street to assert their dominance even when they aren’t in a hurry or being chased by something!
  • If they want to get the attention of someone “important”, they can step in front of another person and place their back to them (creating a physical barrier) so that they cannot enter into the conversation. They can do this without a cue that they are welcome into the conversation and they certainly aren’t afterwards.
  • They will often take up more physical space than everyone else by for example, spreading their legs (man spread) in a communal space, by grabbing the arm rest in an aeroplane and making no effort to share the space, not moving out of the way when they know that someone is trying to get past them or by not acknowledging if someone is too hot or too cold in a confined space insisting the temperature is how they like it.
  • Male narcissists will often try to kiss females on the lips when only a kiss on the cheek would be appropriate (done to dominate)
  • Males will  often nudge a colleague through a door before them to let their colleague know that “I am in control here, I decide the order of things”.  In a typical narcissist way it seems like an act of politeness (“no please you go first”) but it is not it is an act of domination.
  • Male narcissists will often hold a hand shake for too long, grip to the point of causing pain or pull the other person’s arm towards them, this is to knock the person they are greeting slightly off balance and again it is to assert dominance.
  • Male narcissists can often “undress” women with their eyes again this is an act of domination and designed to make the woman feel uncomfortable and give the narcissist “the upper hand”.