Female narcissists

Female narcissists are dangerous because their manipulation is frequently not recognised for what it is.  Manipulation can come in many forms but what is always present in any narcissist is their absolute lack of empathy, their tendency to manipulate for their own gain, total self-obsession, emotionally unevolved and a complete disregard for the rights and feelings of others.

Morality for a narcissist is how they expect others to behave towards them, they are exempt from any moral restraints in their dealings with others (or so they think).  Frequently after they have been destructive towards someone else, they will blame the person they abused rather show any remorse.  They are frequently sadistic and take pleasure in the pain that they can inflict on others, it makes them feel powerful, they experience positive feelings when seeing sad faces.

Because society in general shuns aggression in females, narcissistic females tend to be covert in their abuse of others usually in the form of passive aggression.  So they will be socially abusive by sabotaging someone’s reputation or by destroying relationships through triangulation and deceit.  They will start rumours, make up blatant lies and couch them in faux concern  “I am so worried about Mary she is taking too many drugs/is an alcoholic/is mentally very unstable”  It doesn’t matter what Mary is being accused of the comment is made exclusively to damage her reputation while maintaining the look of a concerned “friend”.

When a female narcissist first meets you she will harvest as much information about you as possible, she will pretend to have the same experiences as you, the same interests, she will be friendly and inviting on the outside but on the inside she is as cold as ice, vindictive and ruthless she is merely scanning you to see how useful you could be to her and how easy you would be to dupe.  All the information that she has gained about you will be used against you at a further date.

Once you have completely let down your guard she will start to use you for whatever you have to offer exclusively for her own gain it could be money, contacts, a place to live (no one falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live), status, fame or just for the pleasure of scoring points against you, everything to do with a narcissist female or male is all about power and control.

The female narcissist is constantly on the prowl for prey so when she looks at you she is not connecting she is assessing what is in you for her.  She has a cold stare she can gesticulate, do funny accents but it will never feel authentic. Sometimes you will see signs of envy, jealousy, anger or greed when she is caught off guard.  What will expose her is that she thinks that being condescending and disrespectful if used in a jokey manner is humour, it is not, it is just abusive and rude.  In society we do not see women as being violent like males, which is why so much of the destructive behaviour of these narcissists goes undetected but they are every bit as dangerous and cruel.  Possibly more so because we do not expect it from the “fairer sex” plus they use sexual intercourse as a tool to get what they want which can be extremely confusing for the person being targeted.The female narcissist is extremely aggressive and that aggression is frequently driven by envy.  They can appear to be affable and can change colour according to the social situation they are in.  In short they will change according to what they think will serve them best. However, if they do not deem you worthy of their attention, they will not bother with the show and you will see a truer version of them.  The female narcissist will never let her mask drop entirely just in case circumstances change and she needs to use you in the future.

Most of a female narcissist’s destructive behaviour comes in the form of relational aggression which means that they go in for character assassination and destroying relationships between people. They will constantly try to make others (and in particular other females) subordinate to them so that they are queen bee in as many situation as they can muster.  This includes family, work and social situations.

All female narcissists are bullies and like all bullies they are cowards as well, so they will be very underhanded in the way that they bully.  Such as excluding their victim from social situations (by not inviting them, giving misinformation, down-playing the importance of a meeting, “forgetting” to inform and so forth), they can also spread rumours and gossip and will try to pit people against each other, breaking bonds of trust through pathological lying.

Anyone who gets in the way of a female narcissist is fair game.  They think that they are entitled to everything and are threatened by other women (in particular but not exclusively) who have qualities and things that they cannot have.  They inherently despise other women as an internalized misogyny.  She will declare other women are stupid, she will sneer at their dress sense, partners job and anything at all that belittles the woman/women who pose a threat to this narcissist and their sense of grandiosity and entitlement. With a female narcissist absolutely everything is about her, to the point of being ridiculous.  For example, she could consider that someone bought a piece of nice piece of clothing just to make her look bad, or celebrate a promotion at work with friends just to belittle the narcissist.  What the female narcissist doesn’t realise is that people live their own lives without thinking about what they do might affect the narcissist. If a female narcissist cannot make a situation about them, she will ruin the occasion for the person who is celebrating, usually through drama, by sometimes feigning illness or some other form of attention seeking.  If she cannot bring the focus on to her, she might leave in a massive sulk leaving everyone wondering what was wrong with her.  This is still attention for the narcissist because people are still thinking/talking about her.

They love to see people feel uncomfortable, they renege on promises so that they can see someone’s disappointment or invite someone to something and not follow through.  Female narcissists are not beyond pretending that they are friends with the rich and famous, even though they might never have met any of them. The implication being “aren’t you lucky that I am spending time with little boring old you when I know people who are so much more important”.  They will praise a third party in a way that it implies that the person that they are belittling is in some way defective by comparison.

A female narcissist will always be in competition with other women for the attention of the men around (if that is their sexual inclination).  They have no qualms about using their bodies to get what they want no matter what the situation, so long as it suits their wants in the moment, they will do it. Their appetite for new conquests is endless as well as keeping exes in the picture while being in a “steady” relationship.  They keep all of these relationships going concurrently through deceit and by lying constantly.  Nothing about a female narcissist is authentic or honest, they are very dangerous people to be around because they do not operate like “normal” people. They are essentially dead inside so they have no idea what it means or feels like to be a human.  Just remember if a narcissist has abused you it is not your fault.  You took them in good faith.  They betrayed your trust, but that is because they are very disordered people with no moral compass and no scruples.  That is not you it is them.



“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

One of the hardest things to come to terms with when you have been abused by a narcissist is how did you let someone who is clearly a bully, volatile and unstable manage to get so much control over you.  All narcissists are abusive, purely because they only see others in terms of what they can do for them.  The more useful the narcissist perceives another the less abusive they are to them. They themselves have been brought up by parents or guardians who have dominated and controlled them through shame. This shaming can start at a very young age a child can be shamed for being “a bad baby” who kept the parents awake all night to being a bad child for being too demanding/a burden and taking the caregiver for granted.  The parent(s) will guilt their children for all of the “sacrifices” that they made for their children – like putting food on the table or a roof over their heads. The child will be taught that having emotional needs makes them weak and that they must put the needs and wants of everyone else first (as a show of strength).  The narcissistic parent(s) have to be the most important person in the family, which can lead to an endless power struggle if both parents are narcissists.

Their sense of their superiority, entitlement, perfection and omnipotence invariably means that the child has to be silenced, “corrected”, ridiculed or verbally abused if they do not agree with everything they say (as show of independence) or even have the audacity to criticise them in anyway.  This model person that they have in their mind is a false self, it is psychotic and makes them extremely unstable because they keep shape shifting to appear in the best possible light, depending on who is in front of them. They project their own sense of shame onto others to conceal their own deep insecurity and low self-esteem.

To keep people in orbit around them they instil fear and will constantly be on the attack. They will get very aggressive over the slightest thing (narcissistic rage), this might not be something that they feel strongly about because narcissists do not have any core beliefs or values instead it is to keep the other person quiet and reluctant to express opinions due to the massive over reaction they get from the narcissist. In other words it is to depress the other person, push them down and keep them down.  This is coercive manipulation and it generally starts as “jokes” and will gradually get more vicious, psychotic and evil.

Most empathetic people don’t believe that the narcissist knows what they are doing or the effect that they are having on others.  They make excuses for their behaviour and rationalise it from their back story.  The reality is that they don’t care, if it isn’t about them it doesn’t matter.  They will see kindness as a weakness to be taken advantage of and if the other person is stupid enough to be kind then they deserve it. A lot of people will tell themselves “it is not that bad”, “it is not the best worst abuse”, “s/he isn’t physically violent”, but it is, it is death by a thousand cuts, it is intentional and consistent albeit sometimes in cycles, a push you pull you situation. Shame derives from judgement, silence and secrecy and if this combination of attributes were started in childhood it is very likely that as an adult that person will have to do a lot of psychological homework to undo the damage.  Self-love is hard to learn if a child has been brought up being treated like their feelings don’t matter, they are a burden if they make any demands, not to express any independent thoughts/feelings (a narcissist will tell you what you should think and feel – which incidentally can change on a daily or even hourly basis). They constantly violate boundaries, interrupting, talking in a very loud voice, assuming that they know why you behaved in a particular way or said a particular thing and will attack when you try to correct them, because they are always right and you are always wrong and they will project their negative mind-set on to those around them.

Coercive abuse


How to RecognizeCoercive Control


Coercive control is a form of ongoing bullying and terrorism used to instill fear/insecurity and to create confusion. The abuser will use tactics, such as limiting access to money or monitoring all communication, they will check your phone but stash their own phone where you cannot find it (it isn’t unusual for the narcissist to have two or three phones).  They will frequently negate every opinion that you have, telling that you are “wrong” and will continue to “correct” you on things that are factual and you know them to be true. The way that they do this is by monitoring your activities.  This can be done by popping by (because they happened to be in the area) when you are out with friends.  They can phone you to see if the background noises are concurrent with the activity that you said you were going to attend they will want your social media passwords and demand to be able to see content (if you don’t have anything to hide why won’t you let me) but will not share theirs.


They will isolate you from you from your family and friends, they will do this by being so unpleasant around them that it becomes awkward for everyone except the narcissist – because they are working on a deliberate strategy to remove you from any support you might have and they definitely do not want their behaviour to be discussed.  Coercive control happens very gradually and they are not highly controlling all of the time, so there is a push pull behaviour pattern and you never know who is going to turn up, which in itself creates tension because you can never relax.


Adult narcissists will try to control all the money coming into the household, they will use numerous ways to gain control: faux “I will take the arduous job of money management off your hands”, if they wat a joint bank account early on in the relationship, this is a warning sign, they have been known to completely empty a joint bank account for their own entertainment/purposes, without consultation and without any sense of guilt or remorse.  They may insist on a receipt for absolutely everything you buy, ranging from cups of coffee to new items of clothing.  This is an additional way to monitor your activities.


Narcissistic parents are very controlling with the money they give their children.  For example, they will not give them pocket money so the child(ren) have to negotiate for everything with the parent, this gives the parent a feeling of power. They might refuse to bring their children to school or community sport events, the message is I tell you what you may and may not do.  “If I don’t like it we are not doing it”.  Some mothers will buy their children age inappropriate clothing to infantalise them and keep them in orbit around the parent.  They may refuse to give them lunch money at school which isolates their children from their class mates.


They will gaslight, signs of which include:

  • They will look you straight in the eye and lie to you, even when they know you know that it is a barefaced lie.This is done to keep you guessing because all of their lie will have a modicum of truth in them and this creates confusion and instability.  You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly lies, once they have got away with a few small lies, they will raise the bar.  They will lie even when the truth would serve them better.
  • They will recruit flying monkeys and set them against you, they will also lie about a fictional conversation they had with someone and they said you were crazy, depressed and addict etc.They will tell these lies about you pretending that they are worried about your well-being, when they are really stabbing you in the back.
  • They will deny that they said something, whether a promise or an insult. Denial is their go to place when they are called out on anything and you could be met with narcissistic rage.  If their rage doesn’t shut you up they will start talking nonsense (word salad) and at that point you realise that the conversation is absolutely futile.
  • They will destroy thing that you value, that could be a physical thing “Oh I didn’t mean to it was an accident” or it could be your reputation, parental alienation or just stir stuff up by plotting friends and family against you.
  • They will constantly try to wear you down with insults, name calling, backhanded compliments, sneering at your family and friends. Their job will always be more important than yours, their family will be better than yours (even if they don’t talk to them) and you will only get invited to social occasion because of the narcissists amazing personality and charm.
  • The narcissist will tell you who they are and what people think of them, rather than just being. They narrative of who they tell you they are never comes near to the reality of their behaviour/capacities.  They will promise the earth, moon and the stars and deliver on nothing, promises made of things to happen in the future never happen this is because they have no self-awareness and there is a massive disconnection between who they think they are, what their talents and skill are and their genuine strengths and weaknesses.
  • A narcissist is usually a street angel and a house devil, their behaviour in front of others will be completely different than it is behind closed doors. They are shape shifters, so their behaviour will change according to who is in front of them, they will do whatever they think will impress the person most.  So, if it is being “sensitive” they will act sensitive, if it is being crude and vulgar they can become that too, they are great actors and know how to put on a show.
  • They project anything that they don’t like about themselves on to others. Narcissists are never wrong, if they get caught out in a lie or an act of deception they will turn it on its head and accuse you of the same, or they will bring up something that you did “wrong” months even years ago, so that you end up being defensive instead of dealing with the issue in hand.  If you can stay on course with the argument, they will go into word salad mode (talking absolute nonsense) so that you realise that there is no point in continuing the argument.  They narcissist will consider this as a “win” and will walk away feeling victorious where is you will end up feeling defeated and confused. You might even blame yourself in the beginning for not being clear enough, but be assured this is a strategy they use to wear you down.
  • They will employ flying monkeys (people who the seek out who will help them discredit you). They will say things like “You aren’t going to that party are you?  John told me that you were only invited out of politeness, I wouldn’t go if I were you” This has a double effect of isolating you socially and making you feel less than.  After a while you might realise that John definitely didn’t say anything of the sort and was disappointed not to see you at the party, however, at the time your reaction is to not go somewhere you are not welcome. After all who would say something so nasty?  What could they possibly gain from it, but it is all part of the same strategy of trying to break you and make you feel unworthy, unwelcome and less than.
  • They will name call, but frequently dress it up as false concern for your well-being. They will say things like “you always over react to situations, I think you should see someone about that” (after they have been abusive to you).  “I have some friends who know about your situation and they say that they can recommend a therapist for you”.  This can mean that they have started a smear campaign against you or they can just be making it up exclusively to make you feel vulnerable and being talked about behind your back in a negative way.
  • To control you even more they might put CCTV inside and outside your house, put a tracking device on your car or put a touch sensitive pad beneath they keyboard of your computer so that they can see who and what you have written to other people/institutions, even if you think you have deleted all evidence of the communication. If you find any evidence of their surveillance they will tell you it is for security reason and they just want to make sure that you are safe.  This is a gross violation of boundaries and privacy but they will defend it with ridiculous counter arguments like “it is only because I love you so much that I want to know that you are okay all of the time”.
  • They might try to alienate your children from you by telling a plethora of lies, trying to humiliate you in front of your children and then tell the children that you are useless/weak or get the children on their side by being excessively permissive either through money or by doing everything for the child. The narcissist has absolutely no problem with treating their children as pawns to hurt their partner and couldn’t care less about the long term effects that this can have on a child.  Very often they will treat their child as their own personal therapist (aka dumping ground) and as such will rob their child of their childhood because they expect their child to take on adult responsibilities at an inappropriately young age.
  • The narcissist can often show high levels of jealousy. This is not “normal” jealousy as it can include your relationships with your family, friends, children and even pets.  They will accuse you of preferring the others to them and will try to clip your wings.  If they cannot isolate you they can sulk, give you the silent treatment or even threaten the more vulnerable in your family such as children and pets.  They know no limits and do not care who they hurt to get control of you, wear you down and try to destroy you.  It is important to note that a narcissist can push someone to their limit where they might commit suicide or they might physically harm them, at best by punching them or throwing things at them at worst they can kill their partner.
  • Sex is another area where narcissists like to control. Either by demanding sex irrespective of whether their partner wants it or not or withholding sex when the partner wants it.  Sex is always superficial with a narcissist because they will always use their partner to make love to themselves.  They only see their partner as a vehicle for their own gratification and will therefore objectify them and see love making as a performance.  There is never any sense of communion when having sex with a narcissist.



Narcissistic parents and their children’s relationships


Narcissistic parents will interfere with all of their children’s relationships.  Those will include:

  • Relationships between siblings (triangulation) and setting one off spring against another.
  • Friendships must be with people that the narcissist does not feel threatened by in any way, so they will disallow friendships that they do not feel that they can completely control. With young children, they will simply refuse to let certain friends of their children over to play.  This could be because the friend of their child is too confident and “sets a bad example” for their own child.  Or because the narcissistic parent is threatened by the parents of the other child. They could be too rich, too popular, too poor, too intellectual or accomplished in some field.
  • As the child gets older they will control friendships by making their own child feel like they make “bad” friendship choices if they do not feel completely in control of the relationship. They will do this by sneering, belittling and overtly mocking their friendship choices.  They will also make that friend feel unwelcome in the family home by ignoring the friend or by being overtly rude to that person.
  • When their teenage children start to have romantic interests they will go into over drive. A narcissistic mother will be overly invested in the sex life of her daughter (especially the scapegoat), repeatedly yelling at them about the perils of getting pregnant and the dire consequences for them if they do, or they can like the drama of teenage romance and want to know every single detail, demanding that their daughter or son over share with them.
  • Children (even adult children) are hard wired to want to belong to their family of origin, so usually they will try to select friends, lovers or partners that will be accepted into their family, as they know that this is the only way that they themselves will be accepted. So, in a way children of narcissistic parents do not choose their own friends/partners it often becomes “a family decision” which leaves that “child” wide open to abusive relationships because the narcissistic parent is not thinking about how that person will behave towards their child, they are only thinking about what that person can offer the narcissist.  Even if they see that the person is being abusive to their child it will not matter to the narcissist so long as that person is charming to them, brings status, celebrity or money or anything that they perceive will make the “look good”.  The narcissistic parent will very often try to be more “important” in their children’s relationships than the child itself.  Or in the case of opposite sex parents will try to be more important to their child than their husband or wife, marginalising the influence that the wife or husband has on their own family decisions.  This can be done by bullying, ignoring the needs and wants of the spouse or by threatening to withhold financial support.  Frequently favouritising more compliant siblings to show how beneficial it is to do the parent’s bidding.

Overt traits of covert narcissists

They are extremely judgmental of others.  This is because they have so many insecurities they are hyper critical of those around them.  Their criticism of others bears absolutely no relation to reality, if fact, the more threatened they are of the positive attributes of a person, the more critical they will be and the more inclined they will be “to bring them down a peg”.

They are usually charming to the person’s face and viscous about them behind their back. They are quite capable of all sweetness and light and make horrible comments under their breath as they walk away. That charm will be increased when they want something from a person.  This can include material goods, money and status.  There is absolutely nothing authentic about their relationships with others.

Their motto is “attack is the best method of defense”, so no matter what happens nothing is ever their fault.  This denial of responsibility refers to everything from taking a wrong turn in traffic, a failed relationships, abusive behaviour or even a badly cooked meal. They will project every potential negative feeling about themselves on to someone or something else.  A classic comment from a covert narcissist is “now look what you made me do”.  Their arguments are so illogical and so repetitive that there is no point in giving a counter argument.

You will never have a more isolated or lonely “relationship” than that with a covert narcissist.  They may act like part of a couple but every now and then they will drop a comment that makes you think “they have absolutely no idea who I am”.  They will also constantly tell you “who you are” and “who they are”, they never let actions speak for themselves, they always accompany their behaviour (and yours) with a narrative that paints them as nothing less that flawless and is designed to devalue you, they will often feign pity for you for being so substandard and imply that you are very lucky to have them because not many people would tolerate such an imperfect partner/ friend like you.

Covert narcissists are completely amoral and without conscience or remorse.  They objectify other people and they only see them in terms of what they can harvest out of another for their own gain.  They do not care if they suck someone dry, they will merely cast them aside and go on the hunt for a better resource of attention, money or status.  When a narcissist cheats, lies or abuses another person they see it as a “hit, a point or a score”, it makes them feel powerful and in control.

Narcissists are extremely condescending and they need to be like this because they have to feel superior at all times.  It is as though they think that if they “permit” the freedom of expression of others in their presence that they will completely and disappear.  Because like all bullies they are weak and cowards, so they have a tendency to negate, devalue and disregard the thoughts/opinions and feelings of others almost out of a fear that they will be over shadowed. However, if you listen to the content of what they say, there are no core values/beliefs and their opinions change depending on who is in front of them and how much they think they can “impress”.

They are the people who can walk over someone who is obviously in distress/dying on a busy street and will get annoyed with them for “being in their way” (unless of course there is an audience in which case they will be the epitome of “compassion”). They despise it when people talk about their illness or misfortune but expect 100% attention/empathy when they are talking about themselves.

Their emotional/self-awareness and interpersonal/social skills are extremely low. They also have absolutely no capacity for logic (which is directly related to their inability to take personal responsibility for anything – including things that they say themselves), it is for this reason that you can never have an authentic connection.

The saying goes “if you are looking for offense, you will always find it” and so it is with narcissists.  Their radar is constantly in search of possible slights on their character. Like all highly critical people they are extremely sensitive to even the mere hint of anything other than an accolade. This could include not being at home when they called by (naughty you, you should have known), to laughing at yourself (which they will see as an indirect attack on them).  Everything that happens around them, they revert back to themselves.  For example, if you go on holiday somewhere nice and have a great time, they will see that as you doing it on purpose “to rub their nose in it” because they couldn’t get time off work/spent their money on an extension of their house.  Either way you went on your holiday specifically to insult or make them jealous.  They literally cannot understand that you might have booked your holiday without them in mind.

If they know that you want/would like something from them, they will deliberately withhold it from you because they would see that as you taking advantage of them and that is their job not yours!  This could be anything from old clothes that they are discarding that you admired, a lift to the airport to someone to listen to a problem you are having. The answer will always be “NO” unless there is something in it for them.

They are extremely envious of others (to a pathological extent), they will try to hide it but they will also try to get some of what you have from you.  Even if they have much more for example in material wealth, they will still try to take from those who are less affluent.  This is linked to the fact that they cannot feel gratitude for what they have and are always looking for more even if it means cheating, stealing or lying.

The covert narcissist constantly needs low level attention, they don’t necessarily want to be a pop star but they do expect to be the centre of attention in all of their other relationships, they will constantly charm new people and utterly ignore those who they think that they “have”.

Controlling people


Controlling people


Controlling people are very keen on telling others who they are, what they are, what they are thinking and the motivation behind their actions.  They will deliver their “insights” with such “authority” that you will feel that you have to defend yourself.  No one has the “right” to define someone else, most people do not know themselves very well never mind somebody else.  It is a complete and absolute violation of boundaries and one of the narcissists favourite means of control.  The narcissist will believe their own fantasy world and think that what they are saying/doing is actually right or constructive.  They will justify their actions by saying/thinking “well someone had to tell him/her, I was the only one who had the courage to do it!”


Control is a really destructive problem in any relationship whether it is romantic, friendship, professional or familial. When people try to control others they are attempting to define that person according to what they want/need them to be.  They cannot see that the other person exists and a sentient being that exists in their own right, they don’t respect you for who you are and it can be done in many ways such as:

  • Negative comments couched in false concern or “helpful advice”.
  • Gaslighting, denying your reality and projecting their own made up one.
  • Complete disregard for your feeling.
  • Constant lying about even the most frivolous things
  • Inventing “stories” about negative things that other people said about you.
  • Trying to prevent you from expressing yourself and negating everything your say.
  • Cruel “jokes” that are designed to hurt.
  • Adapting a really condescending and contemptuous attitude towards you.
  • Making examples of other to demonstrate what could happen to you if you do not submit to their coercion.
  • Going on a smear campaign behind your back if they feel like they are losing control, so that they damage your reputation before they are exposed.

The problem with recognizing controlling people is that a lot of their control is very subtle and we tend to see their comments as bad taste, we think that we must have missed something when they lie (because they are absolute masters at inventing lies on the spot) or accuse ourselves of being paranoid when people’s behaviour changes as a result of a smear campaign.


Controlling people will always play the victim if they are pulled up on their behaviour.  They will say things like “I was only trying to be helpful, you are so ungrateful”  or “you always misunderstand what other people are saying” (universal miscomprehension – how could they possibly know this?) or “do you always have to be so negative, you are not always right you know”.

When a person has good intentions (in general) it is hard to imagine the motivation behind a controllers behaviour because the big question is “why would anyone want to do that?”, the best “reason” that I have come across is because they are essentially very weak personalities and they think that if anyone else shines that they will disappear completely. Everything that happens around them they relate back to themselves, so for example a child could get sick at a time when a narcissistic parent wanted to go on a weekend break and the narcissist will think that the child did it on purpose to ruin their holiday, a puppy could chew up their favourite pair of shoes and the narcissist will think that the puppy “knew they were my favourite (and did it on purpose)).

It is possible to break free from the spell binding dominance of a controller and this is done by standing back and taking a long hard look at their actions, not their words.  The disparity between their actions and words is also a controlling tactic. When you see the pattern, there is absolutely no point in addressing it with them because they will deny everything and project their bad behaviour back on to you.  What needs to be done is to move out of their presence as much as possible, create relationships with other people who will support your reality and to learn (or relearn) to trust yourself and your intuition/gut feelings again.