Category: Abuse

Projection

 

 

One of the most difficult things to understand in a relationship with a narcissist is their projection of their own dysfunctional behaviour on to you.  This is particularly difficult and painful if you happen to be a child of narcissistic parent(s) because before you are developmentally mature you are being told some really toxic information about who and what you are, because you “trust” your parent you believe them not realizing that they are projecting all the thing that they do not like about themselves on to a very small, vulnerable and suggestable child.  A narcissist has no boundaries so they will even consider a baby to be “bad” if they cry or won’t go to sleep.  Narcissists are not problem solvers so they will never consider why a baby is crying and what could they do to remedy the situation, they will just think that the baby is doing to annoy them and will give them their “just punishment” by ignoring them, putting them out in the garden or yelling at them (narcissistic rage).

Once that child becomes able to talk the narcissist parent will start to name call such as telling the child that they are selfish (“think of all the sacrifices I made for you”), always looking for attention (“You are so needy, will you give me some space”), a horrible child, truly ghastly child, they will threaten abandonment, call them liars (if a child dare to mention that the parent’s behavior is less than perfect (such as favouritism) the will swing around and say well “if you were nicer to me I would be nicer to you” or plain “don’t be so stupid”, or that they are a failure.  On a rational level the child knows that they did not do or are not what they are accused of being, but because they are hostage to their parent(s), there isn’t any way out. As a result the child either numbs out completely or becomes highly reactive and hyper sensitive trying to anticipate the parent(s) needs before they do.

What is actually happening here is that the narcissist cannot tolerate the feeling of shame that s/he has so they project their behavior on to you to protect their own very fragile sense of self and make you believe that it is your fault.

With regard to adult relationships the narcissist will try to make you feel like you have just found your soul mate (be it a lover or a new friend), that you have so much in common – you like the same everything from values, food, film, music, books and holiday destinations (what could possibly go wrong?).  They will put you on a pedestal and will admire everything about you in an exaggerated way.  The thing is that when you try to climb down off the pedestal, they won’t let you.  So when you admit weaknesses or vulnerability they will totally invalidate what you said because s/he needs you to be perfect to reflect/mirror their own “perfection”.  They believe that you are going to save them from themselves by being this perfect person that they have created in their heads and “make it all better”.  When they realise that you are not going to make them feel better about themselves, the mask of the false self, slips and their true damaged self emerges.  They don’t realise that feeling better about themselves cannot be sourced externally. This also is a dynamic that happens between parents and children, the parent thought that children would make them feel fulfilled and fill the emptiness that they have inside them, but the children don’t, they have their own needs (that will never be met) and therefore have failed the parent aka “bad, selfish, horrible and needy irritants.

Because you didn’t make the narcissist feel better about themselves they will consider that you just didn’t give enough admiration, money, love, attention and praise.  There are a number of manipulation tactics that they will use to “make you try harder” such as narcissistic rage, silent treatment, never appreciating anything that you do for them, name calling and gaslighting etc.  The once adoring partner/friend turns into a monster and they will go to extreme lengths to hurt you and everything about you will annoy them and will be “wrong”.  They will criticise the way you look, the way you cook they will rant and rave at the way you speak until finally you feel like you are walking on eggshells and will tip toe around them just “to keep the peace”.  It is at this stage that the person who is involved with a narcissist will deny their own self of sense of self explicitly to avoid the wrath of the narcissist for just being.  Anyone with any sense of self left will leave the relationship at this stage (and will have to acknowledge that a smear campaign will be mounted against you always – because the narcissist is never in the wrong).  This is especially hard since the abuse did not come from you and other people will not see the dynamic and like Eleanor Rigby

Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

With a narcissist, it is for absolutely everyone else.  The less they know a person the harder they try to keep their mask on.  So narcissists will often perform amazing acts of kindness to complete strangers and neglect and ignore their own family.

Because the narcissist cannot even consider/contemplate their own inadequacies, terrible behaviour and psychotic turns they have to make it be someone else’s fault (projection) and who better than their nearest and dearest because they can abuse behind closed doors and anyone else would just walk away (anyone who wasn’t carrying their own narcissistic childhood wounds).

A narcissist will not take responsibility for their own horrendous behaviour therefore in their mind it has to be someone else’s fault.  They can flatly deny that something happened at all or someone else “made them do it” and they absolutely do not care who they might hurt in the process.  They cannot bare the fact that they feel so empty inside, they constantly compare themselves to others which makes the insatiable gossips and are riddled with envy, jealousy and the constant need to “put other people down” either by going after a person’s reputation, making up lies or by name calling.  All of this negative activity makes them feel better than/superior to everyone else, but only in the very short term.  Inevitably it has no long term feel good feeling, they know what they are doing and it only fuels their feelings of shame and unworthiness, because they have been behaving like this since childhood, acting out comes to them on automatic pilot, they have done it before they realise what they are doing and the damage just adds to their shame which in turn has to be projected on to someone else.

One of the most confusing thing about this kind of behaviour is that a narcissist can blame someone for something when that person wasn’t even present when a situation occurred (that the narcissist refuses to take responsibility for) the narcissist will loudly claim that another was responsible and that poor unsuspecting person will be completely confused when others start to behave in a hostile way around them.  You need to realise that their projection onto you was not your fault and you were not selected because you were weak, you were selected because either you don’t know what they are saying to you behind your back or because you won’t confront them out on their amoral behaviour, you know it isn’t going to get you anywhere and will only make them even more vindictive.

Einstein said that the most dangerous people are those who believe in their own lies.  So it is with narcissists they will look you straight in the eye and tell a complete lie.  With most “normal” people you can tell if they are lying/fabricating or exaggerating too much, because they look a little uncomfortable.  Not so with the narcissist they are extremely comfortable with their lies, because if their lie backfires on them they simply flatly deny that they told it and make up another one.

In synthesis, projection is all about a narcissist blaming someone else for their own psychotic, vindictive, cruel and pathological behaviour.  It is a very immature and deceitful way to behave but at this stage I hope you realise that there is absolutely no point in expecting any other type of behaviour from a narcissist and remember once a narcissist always a narcissist if they have done it once they will do it again.  Don’t be lulled into a false sense of togetherness with a narcissist, they are only being “nice” as a means to an end.  It is only a matter of time before the mask slips again.

 

 

 

 

Sex with a narcissist

Sex with a narcissist

Sex with a narcissist is a very “strange” experience.  Narcissists are as true to their disorder in sex as they are in every other aspect of their lives.  It is just another tool that they employ for manipulation and control.

Intimacy with a narcissist does not exist, they are unable to empathise, feel compassion or genuinely love another person so intimacy is only mimicked or completely lacking.  In fact, they see genuine attempts at intimacy from their partners as a form of attack and will recoil from it and then as always when a narcissist feels under attack they will attack back with some lame reason such as “you are so needy” or “why are you always so demanding, you have spoiled the moment” and decide not to have sex after all.  When a narcissist engages in sexual activity they are either making love to themselves, which comes in the forms of using another’s body to masturbate or using another’s body to impress themselves on their own sexual prowess.  The narcissist does not fulfil or feel any need to fulfil their partners needs or desires.  Both male and female narcissists use sex as a means of getting attention and control.

Basically narcissists have three types of sexual behaviour

  • Hyper-sexuality
  • Flushes hot and cold
  • Frigid/no interest

Narcissists are control freaks, seducing someone for them is a game that they just won and a means of exerting their power over their partner.  There are no genuine feelings or sentiments, for them it literally is a conquest, the harder that conquest is the more they enjoy it and the more that they have won “that game”.  To a narcissist the person with whom s/he is having sex with is nothing more than an object, they are acting out a game in their head, there is no commitment, no intimacy and no desire to pleasure their partner (that is not what they are there for). The narcissist has a very shallow personality and only live for attention and admiration of others, but does not feel compelled to reciprocate in anyway, even on a superficial level, only as a means to an end.

To a narcissist sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy passion or mutual pleasure, it is a lure to get their prey into a relationship with them, promising amazing passionate sex.  However, since sex for them is exclusively about control and power, they will expect you to ‘prove’ yourself.  Nothing you do will be “nice enough”, “good enough” nor will you ever be able to “do enough” to be able to feed their insatiable desire for attention and self-gratification.  Even if that attention is trying to get the narcissist to “engage” in an intimate way.

Sex for narcissists is a contractual thing.  A give to get arrangement the provision of something they want for themselves.

Narcissists will very often use shame with sex, this again is a controlling mechanism.  So the narcissist may accuse you of being a nymphomaniac, a pervert or a prude.  It doesn’t matter to them so long as you feel uncomfortable.  They can ridicule you, but they will love telling their partners all about their own sexual past and will let their partner know that he or she will never measure up to their previous/other lovers.  They only ever has sex when they want it.  If the partner does not want sex the narcissist will accuse the partner of not loving them, of being unfaithful or frigid/prude.  Sex to the narcissist is merely a tool, devoid of all emotion or authenticity.

Narcissists do not show expressions of love, kindness, tenderness, intimacy or playfulness out of the bedroom and they don’t show it during sex either.  They can fake some of it to maintain control but it is merely a decoy for their abusive behaviours.

If a narcissist is under sexed they will blame the partner saying that they are not sexy enough to turn them on.  If they are over sexed they will blame their partner and say that there is something wrong with them for not being able to keep up with them and imply or say directly that they might need to look elsewhere to satiate their needs and say that their partner is up tight or they might imply that they are so good in bed that it is a talent that is too good not to share.

As a narcissists can oscillate between calling his/her partner a whore or frigid, eventually sex becomes an angst ridden experience for the partner and not at all pleasurable so that the partner may well not want to indulge in the narcissists power games and name calling during “intimate” moments.  Then the narcissist will feel validated in calling them prudish and will not hesitate to point it out usually in a sneering/mocking way.

A narcissist might constantly reference previous partners (real or imaginary) and will do a running compare and contrast commentary – this is not normal in a healthy relationship especially if they use it to discredit you.  They might even comment on past relationships that their partner might have had, and openly deride them for their previous relationships, even if they have never met the partners in question.

Out of the bedroom a narcissist will be the opposite of “touchy feely”, in general they do not like to be touched and have a wide personal space so there will not be much cuddling or caressing.  A narcissist might say “give me a hug”, and that is what they mean, somehow even hugs are not reciprocated, they are taking a hug from you.  If you offer an unsolicited kiss on the cheek, they may well pull back as though you were about to do something nasty, and probably in the mind of the narcissist you were.

WHAT A REAL LOVING RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE 

A loving relationship consists of the following basic elements

  • Trust
  • Intimacy
  • Vulnerability
  • Empathy
  • Respect

Not necessarily in that order.

Trustmeans that you trust your partner to accept you as you are, have your best interests at heart and will not deliberately hurt you. Trust means that you do not feel like you have to guard your back when you are with your partner and you can be open and frank about who you are, your weaknesses and strengths and that what you say to your partner will not be used against you at some later date.

(Narcissists do not trust anyone.  They believe that everyone else is like them and thinks that others are always trying to take advantage, just like they do.  They project their view of the world onto others and this helps them to justify their thoughts and actions)

Intimacyin a relationship is about sharing your feelings and thoughts both good and bad, your faults and insecurities as well as your strong points.  It is about being physically and emotionally close to one another.

(Narcissists see intimacy as an attack on their false persona and will not let anyone get that close. They will attack back so that their partner feels unsafe, guarded and insecure).  Narcissists do not know what they think or feel most of the time, for them attack is the best defence.

Vulnerabilitymeans that someone takes a risk to expose their true self, take off any masks and be open and honest with someone else.

(Narcissists find it impossible to be vulnerable because they have spent a lifetime building up a false persona with a very rigid exterior and to be vulnerable would mean that holes could be made in that facade and that is not a risk a narcissist is prepared to take)

Empathyis about being able to feel other people’s emotions.  It is closely linked to vulnerability because to be empathetic you have to be open and in touch with your own emotions. (Narcissists are completely divorced from their own feelings so they have no idea what so ever what other people are going through and nor do they care or have any curiosity about them)

Respectis when you value or admire another person and have due regard for their feelings wishes or rights.

(Narcissist do not value other people because they are so busy protecting their own false persona, they are emotionally exploitative and abusive and they do not care about anybody else.  They can sometimes mimic false empathy, but this is done only as a means to and end (they want something) and is not genuine in any way.

 

Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage is a manipulation tool that is used by narcissists to frighten, silence, hurt or break their “opponent”.  It can flare up in seconds and is often used against children or innocent people.  It is not genuine anger it is a tool narcissists use to get people to do what they want them to do. It starts off like a dog growling, the message being “I am only growling now, but this could escalate in to a full blown attack if you do not back away”.

Narcissistic rage occurs when the narcissist perceives s/he is being personally “attacked/threatened” by someone or something else. Their rage can be expressed through verbal abuse, physical abuse or by storming off.  An outburst can happen every day, several times a day or every few months but the person who is in contact with the narcissist will never know when it is going to happen, so they are constantly on high alert and will often make huge self-sacrifices to prevent expressions of dissatisfaction escalating into full blown rage.  The sacrifices that other people make to appease the narcissist pleases them because it means that they get to control others.  After a narcissist has had a raging outburst they will be unwilling to discuss the source and appropriateness of their reaction.  When the narcissists self-image is challenged in any way it will nearly always lead to narcissistic rage, if they are in public they might postpone it, but it will emerge at a later date. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to” narcissistic injury”- a perceived threat (a “threat” to a narcissist can very often be something that someone else would not even notice) to their self-worth or self-esteem because it is so fragile the defend it in a totally exaggerated way.

They rage in two ways: they erupt like a volcano getting very heated very quickly.  This can include just randomly ranting and raving, a very personal verbal attack or sometimes even physical (usually in the form of shoving and poking, but it can be much worse) or they can be passive-aggressive. The passive-aggressive reaction includes the silent treatment, sulking and behaving like a whipped dog, like they have just been “attacked” in a most offensive manner.  False weakness and vulnerability are two weapons that narcissists will often pull out of their arsenal if they think that open aggression will not work.

Do not confuse genuine anger with the narcissistic rage. Anger is a natural reaction when exposed to provocation. Anger usually occurs from a rational cause and dissipates when one is able to express it. The fuming rage the narcissist feels is different from the anger that people usually feel; it is irrational and severely blown out of proportion from an often insignificant remark or action.

Narcissists need constant admiration, attention and compliments. They live with the illusion that they are perfect and that other people revere them. That makes them dependent on other people to keep their self-esteem high or at least at an acceptable level for them. Therefore, any challenge, mildly negative remark, or disagreement from another person is considered criticism, rejection and even mockery. They can get upset about the most inappropriate things.  For example, they could say that a two-year old behaved in a certain way to deliberately provoke them, or that someone did something to annoy/hurt them when the narcissist was the furthest thing from their mind.

Causes of Narcissistic Rage

  • Narcissistic always expect more from others than they are prepared to give themselves. This means that they often place unrealistic demands on their partners, children or colleagues. Narcissists rarely make sense, but in a fit of rage they become completely incoherent, so the other person is left thinking that there is no point in engaging in an argument with them.  This in itself lets the narcissist think that they “won” the argument and permits them to continue to feel superior to all those around them.
  • If a narcissists imperfections are pointed out to them, their whole projected image of themselves comes under threat. They might lash back with pure aggression or they might look devastated as though you just crushed them under foot.  If they do the later it is highly likely that they will seek revenge on the person that “attacked” them at a later date.  This can be done by a smear campaign on the person’s character or some sadistic/vindictive act.
  • When a narcissists false persona or projected self-image comes under threat in some way or another their reaction will be excessive and usually explosive. They will say and do things to others that would send they themselves into conniptions.  However, they do not take personal responsibility for what they say or do to others and they do not mind hurting others and/or reducing them to tears.
  • Narcissistic rage is always irrational, infantile and acted upon with impunity. The rage that the narcissist expresses has nothing (or very little) to do with the other person, it is as a result of very low self-esteem, a strong sense of shame and a fragile image of themselves that they project and feel that they have to protect as though their lives depended on it.
  • Narcissists are unstable people and it will never be more obvious than when they are raging because there is no logic and very often no apparent reason for their violent outbursts. After they have exploded they will feel superior and their sense of being in control/stable will return.
  • After they have vented their spleen, gone off in a huff they can come back 15 minutes later and behave as though nothing had happened and will be offended if anyone should mention it to them. They will go on the offensive if the person who they were rude to acts hurt or confused.  They merely wave it off.
  • The insincerity of their rage is often shown up to be what it is if they are roaring insults at someone and then another person walks into the room who they want to conceal this side of their personality from, then suddenly they become all sweetness and light, their rage is on a switch that they can turn on and off in a second. Genuine rage takes much longer to process, hours and sometimes days.  Not so with a narcissist it takes a second because there is absolutely nothing genuine about it

Lazy Parasites

Narcissists are notoriously lazy in practically everything that they do (unless they feel like they have a worthy audience or they are working towards a specific personal gain).  It is for this reason that they do not cooperate well either in the home or in the work place.  Because of their immense sense of entitlement and superiority they will see that it is the job of everyone else, to take care of their needs.

This laziness can be in the form of not wanting to do menial jobs around the house, not wanting to work outside the house to bring in a second income, riding on and taking credit for the work, opinions and efforts of others, not taking care of their relationships both familial and social, unless they perceive a person to be either useful or powerful in which case they can turn on the charm in a dazzling way.

Laziness also manifests itself in how they look for a partner.  A narcissist will automatically look for someone with low confidence and self-esteem or a carer/giver type, as they will know instinctively that they will be easier to control, manage and well give them more of their time, attention and resources than someone with a healthy sense of boundaries and a strong sense of self.  Just like predators in the wild, they will seek out wounded or hurting prey so that they do not have to expend too much effort or energy in hooking their target.  This prey will have already been primed from previous experiences to succumb to the initial charms and attention of the narcissist, they will lie, manipulate, cheat and will mirror what they think their prey wants to hear.

Once you become involved with the narcissist they will show his or her true parasitical nature and gradually manipulate their “partner”, “friend” or colleague into taking care of them.  They will do this absolutely without remorse or any sense of moral wrong doing or guilt.

Another ploy that narcissists will use to ensure that their needs are met is by invalidating the efforts of others and exaggerating their own contribution through lies, manipulation (either overt or covert) and drama.

A narcissist is “emotionally” very lazy and will not work on their “relationships” unless they think that the other person could be useful to them.  They will not take up the phone or write to a sick or depressed “friend” and they would seriously resent having to listen to them or worse still take care of them in some way.  That is not the role that they have assigned themselves and would definitely see it as beneath them.  Other people need to do that for them.  In fact, in the eyes of a narcissist, other people are not allowed to have needs or feelings, if they do they had better take care to keep them to themselves as it will only make the narcissist angry and resentful if they feel that they are being “put upon” in any way.  Their attitude is that other people are only there for their convenience.  If you are any trouble they will ignore and shun you until they want something from you.

Narcissists do not invest in their relationships once they have their target (friend, lover or acquaintance) “hooked”, as it takes too much energy and effort.  Obviously their own children take no effort to be “hooked” because the narcissist views them as their own property from the moment they are born.  Due to the parasitical nature of the narcissist, they will feed off the energy and efforts of others.  Consequently, if you are in close proximity to a narcissist it can feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the air or it is like being covered in ticks, having your blood slowly but constantly sucked out of you.

They will say things like “I would love to help you but…”, “I was going to bring you chicken soup but…”, “oh I was just about to do that, but you got there before me” the mechanism that is at work here is that they are trying to extract gratitude or a sense of indebtedness without having actually done anything.  Naturally they had absolutely no intention of doing anything at all.

The narcissist if a master in the art of harvesting compliments and praise for something that they didn’t do.  For example, take a husband and wife scenario: guests have been invited to dinner and the wife has done the cleaning, shopping and cooking all day long, then just as the husband (or vice versa) hears the car pulling up to the house, will jump into action and rush to the stove and start stirring pots or put finishing touches on the table.  The guests will turn to the narcissist who has been completely lazy until this point and pay a compliment to them and the narcissist will say in a totally insincere way “Oh no my spouse did it all” and the guests will think how modest s/he is and generous in their “praise” of their partner.

Narcissists unlike other parasites do not know when to stop taking, so they will eventually leave their partner so depleted that they can lose the will to live, if a narcissist makes a partner depressed or suicidal they will feel no remorse what so ever.  They will see it as an achievement in the ultimate execution of power and at the same time get annoyed with their “host” for lowering the quality of the narcissistic supply.  They will spend other people’s money with loose abandon if given access to it, they will take credit for things that they did not achieve, they will get angry if they are not given everything that they want without question, they will verbally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually abuse their partner in a way that will leave them feeling confused, exhausted and weak.  Just where the narcissist wants them to be.

Criticism

No one likes criticism, it is part of human nature, sometimes even constructive criticism can cause us to feel defensive.  However, when a narcissist is criticised, even slightly they become hyper defensive and aggressive and will flip any criticism back on to the person who criticised (or allegedly criticised them) and will say things like “well you’re a”, “you did…” “s/he is just jealous or crazy”.  If they even anticipate that you are going to make some sort of comment about them they will try to shut-you-down or will leave the room.  They cannot bare to see their image of themselves as anything less than 100% perfect, as though even a tiny chink in their armour would bring their whole false persona tumbling down.

Like all people who are very sensitive to criticism they are very vocal, boorish and insulting to and about others.  They do this so that they can feel “better than” those around them.  In other words, they push other people down to buoy their own selves up.  With such a rigid and relentless self-defence built up around them, they are never able to let anyone get close to them.  At the same time, they will “assume” knowledge and intimacy with people that they have only just met.  This comes from having only a very minimal level of self-awareness and so they will assume that to know very little about someone else is to know all. This perceived image of others, like their image of themselves is constantly changing depending on their mood, what they have eaten, who they are with and probably the weather too.

When they are being criticised or think that they might be, they don’t feel safe and go into hyper vigilance mode.  Narcissists frequently do not know the difference between criticism and being teased (due to their poor sense of humour and inability to engage properly with others) so teasing them might garner the same aggressive/sulky reaction.  Usually if someone teases it is out of a sense of fondness for the other person.  Not so with the narcissist they tease to humiliate, taunt and embarrass others with absolute loose abandon.

Narcissists also perceive having different values or taking a different stance from them in a discussion as a form of criticism.  If they do not flare up with narcissistic rage they might easily shift their point of view to the position that you took at the beginning of the disagreement and will say “but that is exactly what I said at the beginning” and proceed to treat you like a fool.  When you realise that you are dealing with a narcissist there is absolutely no point in trying to follow their line of argument because there usually isn’t one.

Always having to be “right” is a defence mechanism for the narcissist, they have to protect their very fragile and insecure egos at all times, which is why they go crazy if anyone questions (or even pulls a funny face at) anything they said or did.  If someone expresses a doubt about them, it could turn into self-doubt and that is something that they are not going to risk.  In other words, attack is the best method of defence.  If they realise that their positon in an argument is not holding up, they can haul in an arsenal of defences such as to attack the other person on an issue that you were not even talking about, blame someone or something else, start to talk gibberish, yelling and not letting the other person talk, lie, contradict themselves or storm off in a huff.  If you are regularly exposed to this type of behaviour you will learn “not to go there” as it is a futile and embarrassing exercise.  Which is exactly the result that the narcissist wanted.  They will feel like they have “won” the argument.

It is the very lack of substance to what they say and the emptiness of content that epitomises a narcissist.  They can and will say anything without checking themselves or considering the verity or effect of what they are saying.  It is as though they are in a constant state of survival mode so they are shape shifting all of the time and this will happen all day every day.  (We all do this to some extent, but with a narcissist it is extreme).

 

 

 

No Contact

No contact is the only route for some people to take after being in a relationship with a narcissist, whether “partner, lover, family member or friend”.  When we realise that what we “loved” about the person was who they said they were and fell in love with their potential rather than their “true” selves we will probably start to move away.  A narcissist will react in anger at any sign that people are not convinced by their false persona any more, and who inevitably take steps towards distancing themselves from them.  They will try to force their sources of supply back into the positions that they have allocated them.  This can often come in the form of obsessive, invasive and threatening behaviours – which are designed to coerce and intimidate you “back into your place”.

There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with a narcissist at any time, but especially when they are trying to force you to bend to their will.  If you doubt your instinct that you should leave them ask them “Why do you love me, what makes me special to you?”  Take mental notes and pay extreme attention to the answer to this question, it might provide you with many answers (as painful as they may be) because more often than not the answer will be focused on the narcissist and not on you.  The best solution for you could be no contact.  No contact means you don’t answer phone calls, text messages, emails or little “love” notes that might be sent to you to lure you back.

It is possible that if you are living separately from the narcissist they might hang around outside your door, follow you after work or send you messages saying things like “I know where you were last night”, just to let you know that s/he is stalking you.  This is overt intimidation/abuse and designed to frighten their victim into submission or to disrupt their life as much as possible.  If a narcissist feels your fear they will consider it a win and that will make them feel better about themselves.

A narcissist’s “love” is their own fears and insecurities projected on to someone else, who will try their level best to make it “better” for the narcissist who will use lies, manipulation and faux “love” terms to keep you trying harder.  However, if you are reading this, you probably know that what they promise is never going to happen.  Like big babies, they just want you to take care of them and put a veneer on so that everything looks all right.  They will let you know that whatever you do it will never be “good enough”, the harder you try the more they like it and they will keep raising the bar until you are exhausted and feel like all of the life is being sucked out of you.

Low Contact is a phrase to describe a way that you can keep in touch with a narcissist in your life, on your terms.  This could be a family member, where you don’t want a huge bust up, but you do not want to play the role that has been “allocated” to you by the family, or it could be with an ex-partner, where you have to co-parent children together.  The terms for low contact do not have guidelines, only you can decide what works best for you.  Once you have clarified those boundaries in your own head, the challenge is to stick to them.  If, for example, the person that you are going low contact with is a family member, and they were over involved in your life prior to now, they may well behave like a thwarted lover.  You might well be subjected to histrionics, a smear campaign and them recruiting flying monkeys (real or imaginary) to attack your reputation and isolate you from other members and friends of the family.

A narcissistic mother will be very experienced at pushing your buttons, she may summons you to her house with pleas of not being able to cope and to try to make you feel guilty for not jumping through her loops, but it is important to stay strong and hold your ground.  It is hard at the start, but it gets easier as time goes on.  If an ex-partner is trying to force you in to being more reactive and involved, low contact works well. If you are parenting together or have to sell a property, avoid phone calls and text messages.  Write clear and concise emails stating exactly what you expect and what you are going to do in any given situation.  Text messages are too vague and can lead to misinterpretation, phone calls rely on memory – and can very easily be distorted.  So email, don’t get involved in the unrelated stuff.

Another way to go low contact is to withdraw emotionally.  This means:

Don’t react to his/her questions about you (they are trying to harvest information for leverage at a later date)

  • Don’t react to their probes, and there will be many
  • If they tell you sob stories about themselves, suggest that they seek professional help, that you do not feel qualified to help them. This is called grey rock and there is a section on this in this blog.

If it gets too intimidating, you can get a court order to tell them to stay away

Even if you go no contact and you move house or country, the narcissist can still try to influence the way that others perceive you through smear campaigns, lies and behaving like they were the victim.  This can be unnerving because you don’t know what they said about you.  That is something that you just have to let go of, because you cannot control what people say about you or what they believe and you might sense a shift in some of your relationships with people you know.  However, if they believe the narcissist they never really knew you in the first place.

Acquaintances who believe the narcissist who has gone on a smear campaign about you, might stop inviting you to social events or give you funny looks.  This will probably make you feel a bit paranoid for a while (understandably so), but a narcissist cannot maintain their mask indefinitely and eventually they will expose their true selves.  Narcissists use friendship as a means to an end so if they see that their smear campaign doesn’t affect you maintaining the “friendships” with others it will not be worth the effort.