Sex with a narcissist
Sex with a narcissist is a very “strange” experience. Narcissists are as true to their disorder in sex as they are in every other aspect of their lives. It is just another tool that they employ for manipulation and control.
Intimacy with a narcissist does not exist, they are unable to empathise, feel compassion or genuinely love another person so intimacy is only mimicked or completely lacking. In fact, they see genuine attempts at intimacy from their partners as a form of attack and will recoil from it and then as always when a narcissist feels under attack they will attack back with some lame reason such as “you are so needy” or “why are you always so demanding, you have spoiled the moment” and decide not to have sex after all. When a narcissist engages in sexual activity they are either making love to themselves, which comes in the forms of using another’s body to masturbate or using another’s body to impress themselves on their own sexual prowess. The narcissist does not fulfil or feel any need to fulfil their partners needs or desires. Both male and female narcissists use sex as a means of getting attention and control.
Basically narcissists have three types of sexual behaviour
- Hyper-sexuality
- Flushes hot and cold
- Frigid/no interest
Narcissists are control freaks, seducing someone for them is a game that they just won and a means of exerting their power over their partner. There are no genuine feelings or sentiments, for them it literally is a conquest, the harder that conquest is the more they enjoy it and the more that they have won “that game”. To a narcissist the person with whom s/he is having sex with is nothing more than an object, they are acting out a game in their head, there is no commitment, no intimacy and no desire to pleasure their partner (that is not what they are there for). The narcissist has a very shallow personality and only live for attention and admiration of others, but does not feel compelled to reciprocate in anyway, even on a superficial level, only as a means to an end.
To a narcissist sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy passion or mutual pleasure, it is a lure to get their prey into a relationship with them, promising amazing passionate sex. However, since sex for them is exclusively about control and power, they will expect you to ‘prove’ yourself. Nothing you do will be “nice enough”, “good enough” nor will you ever be able to “do enough” to be able to feed their insatiable desire for attention and self-gratification. Even if that attention is trying to get the narcissist to “engage” in an intimate way.
Sex for narcissists is a contractual thing. A give to get arrangement the provision of something they want for themselves.
Narcissists will very often use shame with sex, this again is a controlling mechanism. So the narcissist may accuse you of being a nymphomaniac, a pervert or a prude. It doesn’t matter to them so long as you feel uncomfortable. They can ridicule you, but they will love telling their partners all about their own sexual past and will let their partner know that he or she will never measure up to their previous/other lovers. They only ever has sex when they want it. If the partner does not want sex the narcissist will accuse the partner of not loving them, of being unfaithful or frigid/prude. Sex to the narcissist is merely a tool, devoid of all emotion or authenticity.
Narcissists do not show expressions of love, kindness, tenderness, intimacy or playfulness out of the bedroom and they don’t show it during sex either. They can fake some of it to maintain control but it is merely a decoy for their abusive behaviours.
If a narcissist is under sexed they will blame the partner saying that they are not sexy enough to turn them on. If they are over sexed they will blame their partner and say that there is something wrong with them for not being able to keep up with them and imply or say directly that they might need to look elsewhere to satiate their needs and say that their partner is up tight or they might imply that they are so good in bed that it is a talent that is too good not to share.
As a narcissists can oscillate between calling his/her partner a whore or frigid, eventually sex becomes an angst ridden experience for the partner and not at all pleasurable so that the partner may well not want to indulge in the narcissists power games and name calling during “intimate” moments. Then the narcissist will feel validated in calling them prudish and will not hesitate to point it out usually in a sneering/mocking way.
A narcissist might constantly reference previous partners (real or imaginary) and will do a running compare and contrast commentary – this is not normal in a healthy relationship especially if they use it to discredit you. They might even comment on past relationships that their partner might have had, and openly deride them for their previous relationships, even if they have never met the partners in question.
Out of the bedroom a narcissist will be the opposite of “touchy feely”, in general they do not like to be touched and have a wide personal space so there will not be much cuddling or caressing. A narcissist might say “give me a hug”, and that is what they mean, somehow even hugs are not reciprocated, they are taking a hug from you. If you offer an unsolicited kiss on the cheek, they may well pull back as though you were about to do something nasty, and probably in the mind of the narcissist you were.
WHAT A REAL LOVING RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE
A loving relationship consists of the following basic elements
- Trust
- Intimacy
- Vulnerability
- Empathy
- Respect
Not necessarily in that order.
Trustmeans that you trust your partner to accept you as you are, have your best interests at heart and will not deliberately hurt you. Trust means that you do not feel like you have to guard your back when you are with your partner and you can be open and frank about who you are, your weaknesses and strengths and that what you say to your partner will not be used against you at some later date.
(Narcissists do not trust anyone. They believe that everyone else is like them and thinks that others are always trying to take advantage, just like they do. They project their view of the world onto others and this helps them to justify their thoughts and actions)
Intimacyin a relationship is about sharing your feelings and thoughts both good and bad, your faults and insecurities as well as your strong points. It is about being physically and emotionally close to one another.
(Narcissists see intimacy as an attack on their false persona and will not let anyone get that close. They will attack back so that their partner feels unsafe, guarded and insecure). Narcissists do not know what they think or feel most of the time, for them attack is the best defence.
Vulnerabilitymeans that someone takes a risk to expose their true self, take off any masks and be open and honest with someone else.
(Narcissists find it impossible to be vulnerable because they have spent a lifetime building up a false persona with a very rigid exterior and to be vulnerable would mean that holes could be made in that facade and that is not a risk a narcissist is prepared to take)
Empathyis about being able to feel other people’s emotions. It is closely linked to vulnerability because to be empathetic you have to be open and in touch with your own emotions. (Narcissists are completely divorced from their own feelings so they have no idea what so ever what other people are going through and nor do they care or have any curiosity about them)
Respectis when you value or admire another person and have due regard for their feelings wishes or rights.
(Narcissist do not value other people because they are so busy protecting their own false persona, they are emotionally exploitative and abusive and they do not care about anybody else. They can sometimes mimic false empathy, but this is done only as a means to and end (they want something) and is not genuine in any way.