Author: admin

Sex with a narcissist

Sex with a narcissist

Sex with a narcissist is a very “strange” experience.  Narcissists are as true to their disorder in sex as they are in every other aspect of their lives.  It is just another tool that they employ for manipulation and control.

Intimacy with a narcissist does not exist, they are unable to empathise, feel compassion or genuinely love another person so intimacy is only mimicked or completely lacking.  In fact, they see genuine attempts at intimacy from their partners as a form of attack and will recoil from it and then as always when a narcissist feels under attack they will attack back with some lame reason such as “you are so needy” or “why are you always so demanding, you have spoiled the moment” and decide not to have sex after all.  When a narcissist engages in sexual activity they are either making love to themselves, which comes in the forms of using another’s body to masturbate or using another’s body to impress themselves on their own sexual prowess.  The narcissist does not fulfil or feel any need to fulfil their partners needs or desires.  Both male and female narcissists use sex as a means of getting attention and control.

Basically narcissists have three types of sexual behaviour

  • Hyper-sexuality
  • Flushes hot and cold
  • Frigid/no interest

Narcissists are control freaks, seducing someone for them is a game that they just won and a means of exerting their power over their partner.  There are no genuine feelings or sentiments, for them it literally is a conquest, the harder that conquest is the more they enjoy it and the more that they have won “that game”.  To a narcissist the person with whom s/he is having sex with is nothing more than an object, they are acting out a game in their head, there is no commitment, no intimacy and no desire to pleasure their partner (that is not what they are there for). The narcissist has a very shallow personality and only live for attention and admiration of others, but does not feel compelled to reciprocate in anyway, even on a superficial level, only as a means to an end.

To a narcissist sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy passion or mutual pleasure, it is a lure to get their prey into a relationship with them, promising amazing passionate sex.  However, since sex for them is exclusively about control and power, they will expect you to ‘prove’ yourself.  Nothing you do will be “nice enough”, “good enough” nor will you ever be able to “do enough” to be able to feed their insatiable desire for attention and self-gratification.  Even if that attention is trying to get the narcissist to “engage” in an intimate way.

Sex for narcissists is a contractual thing.  A give to get arrangement the provision of something they want for themselves.

Narcissists will very often use shame with sex, this again is a controlling mechanism.  So the narcissist may accuse you of being a nymphomaniac, a pervert or a prude.  It doesn’t matter to them so long as you feel uncomfortable.  They can ridicule you, but they will love telling their partners all about their own sexual past and will let their partner know that he or she will never measure up to their previous/other lovers.  They only ever has sex when they want it.  If the partner does not want sex the narcissist will accuse the partner of not loving them, of being unfaithful or frigid/prude.  Sex to the narcissist is merely a tool, devoid of all emotion or authenticity.

Narcissists do not show expressions of love, kindness, tenderness, intimacy or playfulness out of the bedroom and they don’t show it during sex either.  They can fake some of it to maintain control but it is merely a decoy for their abusive behaviours.

If a narcissist is under sexed they will blame the partner saying that they are not sexy enough to turn them on.  If they are over sexed they will blame their partner and say that there is something wrong with them for not being able to keep up with them and imply or say directly that they might need to look elsewhere to satiate their needs and say that their partner is up tight or they might imply that they are so good in bed that it is a talent that is too good not to share.

As a narcissists can oscillate between calling his/her partner a whore or frigid, eventually sex becomes an angst ridden experience for the partner and not at all pleasurable so that the partner may well not want to indulge in the narcissists power games and name calling during “intimate” moments.  Then the narcissist will feel validated in calling them prudish and will not hesitate to point it out usually in a sneering/mocking way.

A narcissist might constantly reference previous partners (real or imaginary) and will do a running compare and contrast commentary – this is not normal in a healthy relationship especially if they use it to discredit you.  They might even comment on past relationships that their partner might have had, and openly deride them for their previous relationships, even if they have never met the partners in question.

Out of the bedroom a narcissist will be the opposite of “touchy feely”, in general they do not like to be touched and have a wide personal space so there will not be much cuddling or caressing.  A narcissist might say “give me a hug”, and that is what they mean, somehow even hugs are not reciprocated, they are taking a hug from you.  If you offer an unsolicited kiss on the cheek, they may well pull back as though you were about to do something nasty, and probably in the mind of the narcissist you were.

WHAT A REAL LOVING RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE 

A loving relationship consists of the following basic elements

  • Trust
  • Intimacy
  • Vulnerability
  • Empathy
  • Respect

Not necessarily in that order.

Trustmeans that you trust your partner to accept you as you are, have your best interests at heart and will not deliberately hurt you. Trust means that you do not feel like you have to guard your back when you are with your partner and you can be open and frank about who you are, your weaknesses and strengths and that what you say to your partner will not be used against you at some later date.

(Narcissists do not trust anyone.  They believe that everyone else is like them and thinks that others are always trying to take advantage, just like they do.  They project their view of the world onto others and this helps them to justify their thoughts and actions)

Intimacyin a relationship is about sharing your feelings and thoughts both good and bad, your faults and insecurities as well as your strong points.  It is about being physically and emotionally close to one another.

(Narcissists see intimacy as an attack on their false persona and will not let anyone get that close. They will attack back so that their partner feels unsafe, guarded and insecure).  Narcissists do not know what they think or feel most of the time, for them attack is the best defence.

Vulnerabilitymeans that someone takes a risk to expose their true self, take off any masks and be open and honest with someone else.

(Narcissists find it impossible to be vulnerable because they have spent a lifetime building up a false persona with a very rigid exterior and to be vulnerable would mean that holes could be made in that facade and that is not a risk a narcissist is prepared to take)

Empathyis about being able to feel other people’s emotions.  It is closely linked to vulnerability because to be empathetic you have to be open and in touch with your own emotions. (Narcissists are completely divorced from their own feelings so they have no idea what so ever what other people are going through and nor do they care or have any curiosity about them)

Respectis when you value or admire another person and have due regard for their feelings wishes or rights.

(Narcissist do not value other people because they are so busy protecting their own false persona, they are emotionally exploitative and abusive and they do not care about anybody else.  They can sometimes mimic false empathy, but this is done only as a means to and end (they want something) and is not genuine in any way.

 

Arguing with a narcissist

When arguing with narcissist it is important to know that you will never “win”, they will argue in an incoherent way and you will be left wondering “what just happened?”. They are deliberately destructive in their approach and are in the argument to win.

Here are some of the techniques that they use:

  • They negate everything that you say (even when it isn’t an argument),
  • So you say something like “my fried Mary is going to Greece on holiday next week”, they will reply “no she isn’t she is going to Spain”.  They say it with such certainty that you start to question yourself, even though you know that the narcissist has never met Mary.
  • They assume superior knowledge to you on absolutely everything even when it is blatantly obvious that they haven’t got a clue what they are talking about. For people who are so image conscious it is surprising that they don’t mind looking idiotic in this situation.
  • There is absolutely no point in accusing them of wrong doing because they are never wrong and will never admit fault. It is likely to make them defensive, aggressive and more determined to “win”.
  • Narcissists will never talk to you, they always talk at you, so you are never going to be able to make that connection and they will fire off one ridiculous statement after another.
  • They will use the hamster wheel effect, which is that they will argue round and round in circles without ever getting anywhere. This is done to frustrate their “opponent” (and all conversations with narcissists are competitions) and you will just give up because it is clearly a futile conversation.
  • They will hop from topic to topic. You could be talking about a domestic issue that needs to be resolved in a hurry and they will suddenly say “well you made us miss the flight to Paris three years ago!” “What?”
  • They will talk at you in a really condescending and patronising tone which implies that they are seriously wondering if you are bright enough to follow the “conversation”. If you get angry with them for not sticking to the point they will tell you to calm down and not be so emotional.
  • They will accuse you of things that they are doing. So they will accuse you of having an affair (because they are) and when you say “I was thinking that you might have been having one” they will go on the offensive and say “you are just saying that because I accused you first”.  They are big into projecting their shortcomings/faults on to you or other people.
  • They have a cycle of being reasonable and being completely hypocritical and unreasonable. This is very difficult because you never know which version of them is going to turn up.   This allows them to take the opening move like in a chess game  giving them the upper hand because you always hold back to see who is showing up
  • Never expect an apology there is no way that the narcissist will admit to any wrong doing, which means that there is no point in asking them to be accountable for their behaviour.
  • Use “we” instead of “you” because this will sound less threatening to them and more likely to bring the argument to a speedier close.
  • Don’t be provoked into taking their bait. They will try to escalate the argument simply because they find it fun and love the drama.
  • Pretend to take their excuses seriously in a way that they know you don’t such as “yeah right”, this is a very narcissistic thing to do because you are saying the right words but your tone and body language will let them know that you don’t believe them.
  • These conversations are exhausting and futile so get out of there as fast as you can

 

Narcissistic Rage

Narcissistic rage is a manipulation tool that is used by narcissists to frighten, silence, hurt or break their “opponent”.  It can flare up in seconds and is often used against children or innocent people.  It is not genuine anger it is a tool narcissists use to get people to do what they want them to do. It starts off like a dog growling, the message being “I am only growling now, but this could escalate in to a full blown attack if you do not back away”.

Narcissistic rage occurs when the narcissist perceives s/he is being personally “attacked/threatened” by someone or something else. Their rage can be expressed through verbal abuse, physical abuse or by storming off.  An outburst can happen every day, several times a day or every few months but the person who is in contact with the narcissist will never know when it is going to happen, so they are constantly on high alert and will often make huge self-sacrifices to prevent expressions of dissatisfaction escalating into full blown rage.  The sacrifices that other people make to appease the narcissist pleases them because it means that they get to control others.  After a narcissist has had a raging outburst they will be unwilling to discuss the source and appropriateness of their reaction.  When the narcissists self-image is challenged in any way it will nearly always lead to narcissistic rage, if they are in public they might postpone it, but it will emerge at a later date. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to” narcissistic injury”- a perceived threat (a “threat” to a narcissist can very often be something that someone else would not even notice) to their self-worth or self-esteem because it is so fragile the defend it in a totally exaggerated way.

They rage in two ways: they erupt like a volcano getting very heated very quickly.  This can include just randomly ranting and raving, a very personal verbal attack or sometimes even physical (usually in the form of shoving and poking, but it can be much worse) or they can be passive-aggressive. The passive-aggressive reaction includes the silent treatment, sulking and behaving like a whipped dog, like they have just been “attacked” in a most offensive manner.  False weakness and vulnerability are two weapons that narcissists will often pull out of their arsenal if they think that open aggression will not work.

Do not confuse genuine anger with the narcissistic rage. Anger is a natural reaction when exposed to provocation. Anger usually occurs from a rational cause and dissipates when one is able to express it. The fuming rage the narcissist feels is different from the anger that people usually feel; it is irrational and severely blown out of proportion from an often insignificant remark or action.

Narcissists need constant admiration, attention and compliments. They live with the illusion that they are perfect and that other people revere them. That makes them dependent on other people to keep their self-esteem high or at least at an acceptable level for them. Therefore, any challenge, mildly negative remark, or disagreement from another person is considered criticism, rejection and even mockery. They can get upset about the most inappropriate things.  For example, they could say that a two-year old behaved in a certain way to deliberately provoke them, or that someone did something to annoy/hurt them when the narcissist was the furthest thing from their mind.

Causes of Narcissistic Rage

  • Narcissistic always expect more from others than they are prepared to give themselves. This means that they often place unrealistic demands on their partners, children or colleagues. Narcissists rarely make sense, but in a fit of rage they become completely incoherent, so the other person is left thinking that there is no point in engaging in an argument with them.  This in itself lets the narcissist think that they “won” the argument and permits them to continue to feel superior to all those around them.
  • If a narcissists imperfections are pointed out to them, their whole projected image of themselves comes under threat. They might lash back with pure aggression or they might look devastated as though you just crushed them under foot.  If they do the later it is highly likely that they will seek revenge on the person that “attacked” them at a later date.  This can be done by a smear campaign on the person’s character or some sadistic/vindictive act.
  • When a narcissists false persona or projected self-image comes under threat in some way or another their reaction will be excessive and usually explosive. They will say and do things to others that would send they themselves into conniptions.  However, they do not take personal responsibility for what they say or do to others and they do not mind hurting others and/or reducing them to tears.
  • Narcissistic rage is always irrational, infantile and acted upon with impunity. The rage that the narcissist expresses has nothing (or very little) to do with the other person, it is as a result of very low self-esteem, a strong sense of shame and a fragile image of themselves that they project and feel that they have to protect as though their lives depended on it.
  • Narcissists are unstable people and it will never be more obvious than when they are raging because there is no logic and very often no apparent reason for their violent outbursts. After they have exploded they will feel superior and their sense of being in control/stable will return.
  • After they have vented their spleen, gone off in a huff they can come back 15 minutes later and behave as though nothing had happened and will be offended if anyone should mention it to them. They will go on the offensive if the person who they were rude to acts hurt or confused.  They merely wave it off.
  • The insincerity of their rage is often shown up to be what it is if they are roaring insults at someone and then another person walks into the room who they want to conceal this side of their personality from, then suddenly they become all sweetness and light, their rage is on a switch that they can turn on and off in a second. Genuine rage takes much longer to process, hours and sometimes days.  Not so with a narcissist it takes a second because there is absolutely nothing genuine about it

Contents

50 traits of narcs

About us

Abuse

Abusers Characteristics

Acronyms in narcissistic literature

All  dysfunctional families are alike

Authentic Vs False self

Bad babies

Betrayal Trauma

Boredom

Boundaries

Brainwashing

Bullying

Can Narcissists love?

Common myths/facts

Communication techniques

Core Beliefs

Emotional Incest

Emotional rape

Emotionally unavailable people

Emotional Vs physical abuse

Family System

Feeling

FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt

Food and drink

Gaslighting

Global Intelligence

Glossary

Golden child

Good Child syndrome

Gossip

Gratitude

Grey rock

Grief after a narcissist

Home page

How narcissists redirect anger

If you apologise to a narcissist

Infantalisation

Institutional grooming explained

Jealousy and Envy

Language

Laziness and parasitical nature

Leaving a narcissist

Love bombing

Lying

Manipulation on the trot

Mother

Narcissistic communication techniques

Narcissistic description words

The damaging effect of shame in narcissistic parenting

Narcissistic body language

Narcissistic Vs normal parents

Narcissistic father

Narcissistic giving and receiving

Narcissistic Hallmarks

Narcissistic parents

Narcissistic siblings

Narcissists and critical thinking

Narcissists and criticism

Narcissists and Integrity

Narcissists and Morality

Narcissists and misogyny

Narcissists and parental alienation

Narcissistic rage

Narcissists and secrets

Narcissists and the happiness of others

Narcissists and the outside world

Narcissist are attracted to empaths

Narcissists don’t know you

Narcissists friendship and loyalty

Narcissist’s love

Narcissists in brief

No contact

What they say Vs what they mean

Not everyone has a conscience or the ability to empathise

Notes to lawyers/mediators

On making mistakes

Parental wounds

Parentification

Passive aggressive behaviour

Pets and narcissists

Respect for narcissists

Scapegoat

Sense of humour and being teased

Six main fears of narcissists

Some signs when someone has negative intentions

Table of contents

The look and feel of narcissistic abuse

The scorpion and the frog

The silent treatment

Toxic love

Traits that narcissists look for

Triangulation

Verbal abuse forms

What is physical abuse without contact

When you erect boundaries with a narcissist

Where abuse by females is different

Why narcissist are like young children

 

 

Toxic Love

Toxic Love

The main qualities of all toxic people are that they are:

  • Very judgmental of others and have little or no self-awareness. They will happily strip someone else’s reputation or self-esteem, it is very often the things that they criticise in others that they are guilty of themselves.
  • They live off drama and will drum it up whenever and were ever possible. If you share some vulnerability with them in confidence, they will tell everyone, embellishing the story for dramatic effect.  Why let the truth get in the way of a good story?  If they can weave their way into it for dramatic effect, they will.
  • They will only talk to you when they want something from you. This might be a favour, a job that they want you to help them with (as in do for them), money or support in some argument that they have got into and they are trying to elicit sympathy for themselves.  This is a one- way street and they will be quite annoyed if you thought that you could count on them.  That is not their job it is yours!
  • They keep family/social secrets from you, so that you do not send that “congratulations on your 50th anniversary” card they will also “forget” to mention an informal celebration where invitations are by word of mouth only and you find out about it after the event. Of course they will say “I told you about it”, which is gas lighting because they know very well that they specifically and deliberately did not.
  • They say nasty things about another person and the then attribute it to you. So, if they want to say something nasty to someone’s face they say “Mary thinks that you are …” or “Peter is convinced that you did…”
  • They are never always abusive (unfortunately, it would be so much easier to spot if they were), there is just enough positive reinforcement for you to forgive them again and again making excuses for their behaviour like they are having a bad day or have a problem. Eventually you realise the pattern.

It is for the above series of toxic behaviour patterns that many people seek therapy. However, toxic love brings this type of toxicity to a much deeper level.

Love like narcissism is on a spectrum at the high end of the spectrum is unconditional love.  Unconditional love is only really appropriate for babies and children.  Emotionally healthy adults do not look for unconditional love from another adult because they were taught to love themselves as a child and do not seek to be that enmeshed with another person, they don’t try to extract the emotional support that they never received in their own childhood from an external and inappropriate source.

 

At the low end of the spectrum is toxic love, toxic love in words looks like “I need you, you’re useless, take care of me, give me everything that you have got and I will always try to force more out of you than you want to give – as proof of your love for me, but I will never love you back because I do not know what love is or means”.  In addition, “I will measure your “love” for me in relation to how much pain you are prepared to take from me.”

 

The word “love” is used very frequently by people who have absolutely no idea what it means to have a communion or healthy communication with another person.  They see attention as “love” and they mistake the attention buzz for something more meaningful than temporary gratification or as a means to get their needs satisfied whether it is “emotional”, financial or sexual.  This type of “love” is based in fear rather than any desire to truly and authentically connect with another person.

Many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they are afraid either of losing their “security” within the relationship or from fear of loneliness and vulnerability.  Long relationships are considered to be successful ones, but very often it is because both parties feel trapped that they stay together.

The dominant emotions in a toxic love pattern are insecurity and anxiety.  This does not only apply to adults it also applies to children of narcissistic parents.  They can never feel that they are safe, they are never relaxed in the relationship and never feel like they have a home that will always be there for them.  This is because their parents will make sure that their children understand that their acceptance with in the family is determined exclusively on how well they serve their parent(s).  They live in fear of what the consequences might be if they misbehaved (unknowingly) in some way, so they mostly try to be as invisible as possible.

Both adult to adult and parent child toxic love relationships are typified by cycles of highs and lows.  Just when the adult or child is convinced that the person that they love doesn’t love them, they are given brief moments of bliss where they feel completely accepted and an integral part of a very important relationship but then the mistreatment, the abuse, the lies and the manipulation start all over again and they are left wondering what they have done and where did that person that they loved so much just yesterday disappear to and why?  Did they do something wrong?  Should they try harder?

There are some signs that indicate that the relationship that you have is toxic whether with another adult or with a family member:

  • You are constantly second guessing yourself and doubting your own reality. You will probably have been told that you are “too sensitive”, so you question whether you are over reacting or not.
  • Denying your own feelings, telling yourself “it’s not that important, it was only a dinner to celebrate something for me that they didn’t show up for, I  need to let it go”
  • You continually try to “make things better” between you, working hard to make things “right” and are constantly checking to see “how things are going”.
  • Constantly apologising for things that you did or didn’t do or taking responsibility for things that you are not responsible for.

The very definition of a relationship is that  a person can relate to you, show empathy, support and compromise.  We do not merge into one person but I am who I am and you are who you are and we can relate to each other in the whole form of who we are and our relationship develops we both grow from the mutual experience.

Healthy love vs toxic love looks like:

Healthy Love

  • Gives the space and respect for the two individuals to grow and be themselves
  • Celebrates the other person and gives space for that person to grow and develop
  • “Permits” and celebrates the other person’s interests, friends and respects their other relationships without trying to be completely involved with them.

Trusts the other person, without feeling that they have to monitor their behaviour.  They expect the other person to behave in a responsible way.

  • Knows compromise, problem solves together and works together to find a mutually acceptable solution
  • Can see and appreciate the other person’s individuality, they can see the other person’s soul
  • Can embrace all aspects of reality, both the highs and lows. There are no no-go areas for discussion or exploration
  • Allows both parties stand as an individual and their moods are not determined by outside influences or the other person’s “stuff”.
  • There is a healthy concern and investment in the other person without suffocating or trying to control him or her.
  • Permits the other person personal space to be alone or with others
  • Is not in constant competition with the other person and does not have to feel “better than”.

Toxic Love

  • Has an obsession with the relationship and a determination to force it into what “it should be” with a total disregard for the other individual
  • Tries to clip the wings of the other person, stifle their development to ensure security, maintain a comfort zone and resist all change
  • Tries to control all other relationships the other person has such as family, friends, work colleagues, interests, social life and career choices
  • Has no trust, tries to control, pathologically envious, dismissive of relationships with friends and family members
  • Is a power/control dynamic it seeks drama and discord, not solutions. It is manipulative and often cruel
  • Tries to turn the other person into what they want them to be using shame and blame as their primary tools
  • Is based on how things “should be”, not how they are. There is a tape playing in their head that over rides or rewrites anything unpleasant or uncomfortable
  • Expects that the other person will take responsibility for and rescue them when things don’t go according to how they “should be”
  • Is where one person is enmeshed in everything that the other person does. They take independent action and as a personal insult and try to draw that person back into their orbit
  • Cannot be alone, is clingy demanding and invasive
  • Needs to feel superior to the other person at all times and will go to lengths to tell them so

 

 

 

 

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a term that was invented to describe how narcissists lure their potential target into their narcissistic orbit, it has absolutely nothing to do with genuine love, it is a manipulation technique that narcissists use to make their potential target feel like they are adored, admired and exciting so that the person thinks that they think that they are the most important person in the narcissist’s world, that the narcissist is head over heels in love with them.

They flood you with all kinds of communications that are available to them, it could be phone calls, text messages, emails, messages on social media sites, flowers and other presents. This is most common in potential romantic liaisons but it can also happen with new platonic relationships too.  The narcissist will constantly compliment you and you will feel flattered by all of their attention and will be lulled into a false sense that the narcissist is really besotted by you.

When the narcissist is physically around you they will listen intently to everything that you say, hang on your every word, feign interest in the things that you are interested in or hold important.  They will seem like they are really in touch with your feelings, dreams and values and that they really want to get involved in a committed relationship.  Attention blasting would be a more accurate term.

You might feel a little uneasy about this as it can feel over the top, exaggerated or too good to be true.  This is because it is, there is nothing sincere or balanced about this type of behaviour.  It is being done as a means to an end.  To have you give them narcissistic supply.  You might even feel like you are not giving enough back if you do not mimic some of the narcissists behaviour, in fact the narcissist will let you know (albeit subtly) that you need to give more and so this type of behaviour will become normalised to some extent.  The intense listening and mimicking that the narcissist does is just a ruse that they employ to harvest information about you so that they can and will use it against you at some time in the future.

While as the target of love bombing you might feel flattered there will also be the inevitable nagging feeling that you are being preyed upon and the endless attention and interrogation about what they were doing and who they did it with, will often feel suffocating and infantile as no adult usually pries into the life of another adult with such intensity.  It simply isn’t healthy.  “Light hearted stalking” might also occur at this stage, they could be waiting for you outside your work with a bunch of flowers or they might know that you are going for a drink with some friends and turn up at the bar where you have told them you will be “because they just happened to be in the area too”.

The level of attention might even garner envy or admiration from friends and family and they might comment on how lucky it is to be held in such high esteem.  It is very confusing for you t because your gut will tell you that something isn’t quite right but all the evidence/advice will mitigate against them.

As a result of all of the information harvesting that the narcissist did, they will have been able to find out exactly the sort of person you are is looking for in your life and will   metamorphosize into that person.

It is at this stage that you let down your guard and let the narcissist into your life.  You will not see the lying, cheating or the parasitical nature of the narcissist at this stage because you simply don’t know them well enough.  You will not notice that they narcissist expects you to do everything for them and will give back only the very bare minimum to stop the whole relationship from falling apart (at the beginning).  However, like an infant the narcissist will push the boundaries to see just how much they can get away with and unless you hold your ground those boundaries will be pushed without limits.  Trying to get them to co-operate or contribute financially can feel like more effort than it is worth, it might be met with narcissistic rage (a ploy used to get their target to back down) or it might make you feel like you are being a terrible nag because you have to keep asking the same thing over and over again.  This is a typical narcissistic strategy, to make you out to be something negative for something that they will or will not do.  They flip their faults onto you, and narcissists while highly sensitive to any sort of criticism, will have absolutely no hesitation in calling other people horrible names, telling them who and what they are in a very negative way.  Because they do it to everybody you may think that it is just bluster, it is not.  It is a deliberate ploy to break your spirit.  No matter how strong you are if you are constantly given negative feedback about everything that you say and do, it will eventually break you down (not you, anyone)

The narcissist will constantly tell you how fantastic they are themselves and how amazing the relationship is, how great you make them feel and that they have at last found their soul mate.  There are two things that you will notice at this stage and those are that the narcissist will move in for “the kill” very quickly, that is that they could start to talk about moving in together on the second date.  The other this is that you will feel that you don’t feel as strongly as the narcissist does about the relationship and in some way you will feel badly that you just cannot see it, that there must be something lacking in you.  This is all part of the grand design.

The narcissist will constantly monitor you to see how well their manipulation is working.  Their exaggerated language is deliberate so that even if you don’t return the complements in exactly the same lavish language that they use you will feel obliged to accept it and return some of it.  When the narcissist sees that their ploy is working they will simply raise the bar, or push the boundaries.  You might feel that it is all moving too fast (because it is), but the narcissist has to move fast for fear of losing you or for being found out for being the insincere fraud that s/he is.  The narcissist will give a running commentary on how amazing and brilliant the relationship is going, how friends are jealous and will categorically deny any “let’s slow down” or other caution comments that you might make.

It is worth noting that the narcissist will not ask you how you feel and if you express doubts the narcissist will just flip it back on you with a comment that will be designed to make you feel that the fault is with you.

Once they have hooked you with their charm and flattery you will only then begin to realise what the narcissist is really like.  They will have already have started to erode your confidence and self-esteem.  This doesn’t happen overnight, it is done on a very slow almost undetectable way, so that you might just think that the narcissist is being sloppy with the language that they use, but they are not.  Their put downs will get stronger as the narcissist sees that they have eroded your willingness to defend yourself, eventually it will end up as undisguised abuse, except when they are in public and then the narcissist will perform like the perfect partner.

It is important at the love bombing stage to listen intently to how the narcissist describes other people, especially their exs.  They will probably oscillate between how amazing they were in bed etc. and how they didn’t understand the narcissist.  The first comment is to try to make you feel inadequate, and the second is to make you feel like they really need you.  This contrast creates confusion and that is their intention and you will start to doubt yourself and what you think/feel and in this state of confusion you will be much easier to control.  That is what it is all about for the narcissist is control and power.

A narcissist has to try to make you invisible because their own self-esteem is so weak, that they have to diminish everyone around them for the fear that if another person shines even slightly, that they will just disappear completely.

It may sound like the narcissist is a great strategist, but this is not the case.  Think of the spoilt child that makes their nanny’s life hell, well it is the same thing with a narcissist.  It is not sophisticated as their behaviour is infantile.  The reason that most of us don’t see it coming is because adults simply do not behave that way.