Month: March 2018

Golden Child

The narcissistic parent(s) have one or more favourites in their family unit and these are called the golden child(ren).  This child can do no wrong will be highly protected and cossetted and decidedly more cherished and praised than the other off spring.  They will always receive the bulk of the resources within the family, such as food, attention/affection, respect/privileges and often the vast bulk of any inheritance.  The golden child will be protected so long as they do exactly as the narcissist parent wants (these wants will very often not be vocalised, so the golden child will be constantly on high alert looking for subtle cues that will alert them to what they “should be doing”).  The constant threat of demotion, makes that child hyper vigilant of the activities of his siblings and will often act as a go between for the parents needs to ensure that every member of the family is putting the parents needs before their own.  This is called trauma bonding, the golden child can see how the other siblings are treated and will do anything s/he is asked (told) to do to maintain their privileged status.

The parent will also insist that all other members of the family take care of the golden child’s needs and do nothing to upset them.  This could be anything from getting into an argument or out-shining them in any way (at school/sport/career/seeming to be more popular etc.).

The way the golden child pays the narcissist parent back (as a narcissist never does anything that does not have a personal gain) is to protect the parent’s reputation at all times.  Totally discrediting any criticism that might be levelled at her/him and will attack any sibling that might have the audacity to voice some negative feeling towards them.  The parent will encourage this hostility between the siblings because it makes them easier to control and means that they will not gang up on them.

The golden child will have inherited privilege and attention, but they know that they have not earned it.  Often it is because they are simply the first male child in the family who has shown no special talents but they have been elevated into a position of privilege because of their gender.  This makes the golden child extremely defensive and aggressive about protecting his/her realm.  At the same time, they have an external veneer of entitlement but their behaviour belies their confidence.  If challenged for example they can be reduced to tears, have a temper tantrum or storm off.

Being a golden child often makes the cossetted child morally corrupt as they think that everything is their birth right, they are quite capable of stealing, fraud and infidelity.  The parent who favours the golden child  will continue to protect them with a completely exaggerated ferocity right into adulthood and probably until the day that they die.

 

Institutional Grooming

Grooming is when a narcissist goes on a publicity campaign to promote themselves as a lovely person, rational, fair and charming.  They will work hard at trying to get the trust of professionals, usually concerned with family courts where alimony, property and custody of children are involved.  They will also groom doctors, nurses, mental health professionals, social workers and anyone else who they consider useful to have on their side.  Grooming is always emotional abuse, always dishonest and always intentional.  The reason that they do this is so that the professionals who have contact with the victim will doubt or disbelieve in the authenticity of what the victim tells them.

In a setting where the abuser and the victim appear together, the abuser will seem cool, calm and collected.  They will lie with absolute confidence and will have their story very well-rehearsed.  If they do not like a question, they will just pretend to have misunderstood or merely change the subject.  They victim on the other hand will have been abused, probably over a long period of time and will be emotionally and probably physically worn out.  They will have been gas lighted to an extent where they might question their own reality and the narcissist will use this to their advantage and can manipulate in a very subtle way that can easily go undetected.  The victim will have been trained that “I might not punish you now for saying something negative about me, but I will punish you later”.  They can convey messages like that one in a fleeting glance, the slightest twitch in their face or by briefly clenching their fist.

Because this threat has been looming over the victims for a period of time they may appear to be incoherent, inconsistent and even openly lying.  The narcissist will throw their net as wide as possible so that the victim will find it almost impossible to get support and any allegations that they might make will be not taken seriously, not investigated thoroughly or simply ignored.  So, teachers, therapists, police, people in sports clubs, churches and charities will all be included. They do this to maintain their desire to have a glowing image, but also because if the victim cannot get support anywhere they are much easier to continue to abuse.  In addition, the narcissist sees this as a game and the more people that they can hoodwink or woo the bigger sense of personal “achievement” they have.

This type of institutional grooming increases the damage done to the victims because they have nowhere to turn.  Hence, they lose trust in their would-be support system and this further isolates them which means that the abuse can continue for longer.  They also lose trust in themselves.

The main core of the emotional abuse will be done when there is no one else around.  So it is the victim’s word against the abusers.  When the victim is exhausted, worn down and confused (abuse always creates confusion), the confident calm abuser might easily look like s/he is the one who is telling the truth.

A narcissist will deny, lie and twist the truth so artfully and confidently that the victim can often be numbed into silence.  They may have blocked out what was said to them on some level and be tone deaf to abuse because it happens so often and can be done in quite a subtle with some of their worst abuse buried in false concern, “I am really worried about you, you really over react to everything.  That cannot be good for your health, I think you need professional help”.  The reality is that we all want to think that our partners or family members have our best interests at heart and it is very painful to realise that they don’t, so we can often interpret their false concern as sincere even if their words contradict their actions and body language.

In a family context one parent can go to considerable lengths to discredit the non-abusive parent.  This type of grooming is always traumatic for the victim with long term consequences for both the abused parent and the child(ren).  It can also come in the form of physical abuse, sexual abuse, drive the victim to commit suicide or a narcissist can murder their victim (it is not common, but it certainly is not unheard of).  To the narcissist other people (including their own children) are just there for their game playing and “enjoyment”, so they do not care about the emotional or physical consequences of their actions and it is very difficult to prove in a court of law since more often than not it is one person’s word against another, courts demand “beyond reasonable doubt” and narcissists are such good actors, it can be very difficult to prove that they did anything wrong.  An added complication is that the abuser can accuse the victim of parental alienation, of turning their children against them.  This is a situation that does genuinely happen where usually a mother will play the victim and complain that she and her children are terrified of the husband, cry and wail about the injustice of it all, when in fact she is the abusive one.  It often boils down to who can put on the best “performance” in front of the professionals.

 

 

 

Grey Rock

Grey Rock is a technique that can be used to stay neutral and unemotional in the presence of a narcissist so that they do not try to extract narcissistic supply from you.  Narcissistic supply can come in either positive or negative form of emotion, either will usually do.  So to remain emotionless, polite but uninvolved and detached is of no “use” to the narcissist, so they will usually (perhaps after a few attempts to get an emotional reaction from you (hook you)) move on to look for a better source. Their attempts can happen on either end of the spectrum, either by being excessively nice, attentive or sycophantic or by being extremely rude, dismissive and critical.

It is a non-confrontational method that implies “It’s not you, it’s me” except that you act it out rather than saying it so that the narcissist can come to that conclusion on his or her own.

When dealing with narcissists it is important to avoid making them envious, if you use the grey rock approach you will fade into the background and therefore their attention will not be focused on you as a potential threat.  Let them know that you are a boring person and have a boring life if they do try to test you for narcissistic supply and do not tell them anything personal however benign as they will use it to draw you in and then use it against you.

If the narcissist gets even the slightest inclination that you might be a good source of supply they will try different tactics to see which one can provoke the best reaction.  Should this happen you can use a technique that is called Selective Grey Rock.  This is where you respond to the issues that matter least to you, it will focus the narcissist on that issue.  Selective grey rock acts as a decoy and prevents the narcissist from pulling you into their drama.

Grey rock works because a narcissist is easily bored and the need constant stimulation to keep their own demons at bay.  That is why they get over involved in other people’s lives and constantly try to create drama, to have an effective drama you need (real or imaginary) actors and an audience.  Feeling involved in this production invigorates them, they feel empowered by directing the play, any kind of response works for them so long as they are the cause of that reaction.

The narcissist is addicted to power and control, they will do anything to divert attention to themselves, they know how much they “need” control and will constantly check to see that you are still jumping through their loops and are not creating any type of side show that they might be excluded from.  The more often we respond to their dramatic behaviour the more reinforcement that we provide.  If we just stay neutral s/he will get upset and probably try harder, if we stand firm and do not react the narcissist well see that we aren’t much “fun” any more and move on.  They may sporadically come back to see if there is any “play” in you, but if you do not respond, the game is over.

Giving and receiving

 

Narcissists have three main currencies that they value and they are:

  • Control
  • Power
  • Money (and other resources)

 

Things like:

  • Empathy
  • Compassion
  • Loyalty
  • Kindness
  • Trustworthiness
  • Honesty
  • Honour
  • Integrity
  • Sincerity
  • Support
  • Conspicuousness
  • Friendship
  • Discretion
  • Unity

Are not traits that the narcissist values.  At least not with their dealings with other people, they will expect other people to exhibit these traits towards them.

Every act of generosity from a Narcissist is a purchase, either to bolster their public image, to buy credit in terms of favour from others or to buy access to someone (as in the love bombing stage in a potential new “relationship”) or to improve their public image, such as a charitable donation.

If you have grown up in a narcissistic family of origin, you can very often feel unworthy of receiving from others.  This is not just in a material but also in terms of accepting

  • Compliments
  • Help with things
  • Attention

The reason for this is that asking for things sends you into an emotional flash back of being refused things when you were a child, the flashback is not conscious but the feeling of fear resonates from when you asked and were refused by your cold and neglectful parents for the fundamental things in life such as a cuddle, to have friends over to play, bring you do the doctor when feeling sick, comfort you when you felt scared or pick you up when you fell over.   That is why so many children of narcissistic parents “know” that they need to over compensate to get a small amount of “love” or attention.  You feel like it is always up to you to do all the running in relationships and that if you don’t everyone will walk out of your life and you will be alone.

Narcissists are very attracted to people who have this programming and can select them in their usual predatory way.  A child of a narcissist will very often feel empty if they give to/take care of themselves because they will have been taught that if they are not constantly focused on their parents, siblings or the needs of others (to create a good impression for the parent(s), i.e. “such a good, kind generous child, so well brought up) that they are being selfish or “naughty” and will almost certainly be punished.

The narcissist parent(s) will also have programmed the child to know that since they have a roof over their head and food on the table that they child is indebted to the parent(s) in a way that they know they will never be able to repay, they are also taught that they are a guest in the house that they live in and they have no rights in that house (in short, they have no home).  This feels like entrapment, is very unhealthy and suffocating for the child because they have no escape, they are hostage to their parents/family.  It is made known that the parent(s) can call in their “credit” at any time, irrespective of the difficultly, fear or compromised position it puts the child in.

So if someone gives to someone who had been brought up in this way, that child will feel safer if they over compensate in their giving to avoid having their independence robbed and being put into a state of ownership by someone else.

The problem with this is that over giving makes it very easy for people to take advantage of the giver (not only narcissists).  Takers will never stop taking, that is what they do.  It is up to the giver to put down the boundaries on your time, attention and resources otherwise you will end up emotionally and financially impoverished.

At the beginning of a “romantic” liaison with a narcissist, they might tell you “you are too independent, it doesn’t feel like I can do anything for you”, what this really means is “I don’t feel like I can control you”.  It is a manipulation to get you to depend on them and once you do they will immediately reduce their abundance of giving and you will have to give much more as time goes on to get the same return.  This will leave you feeling completely deflated as you will never be able to do enough for the narcissist because they will keep pushing the bar up higher and higher until one day you will realise that you have nothing left to give.

The other thing about narcissists is that they are really bad at sharing things.  The do not get the concept of sharing or negotiation. This unfortunately can often include children and lead to the parental alienation of one parent.  A narcissist will give or not give, but compromise and negotiation do not sit well with the narcissist mantras of “Me, Myself, I”, “Mine, Mine, Mine” or “Win, Win, Win”.  If a narcissist gives they consider it a purchase, if they choose not to give it is because they cannot see that there is anything in it for them.  It doesn’t matter how desperate the other person could be, how closely related they are to the narcissist or how easily the narcissist could afford to give the other person what they want if they cannot see any personal gain in giving, then they simply will not do it.

If you meet a non-narcissist you may feel uncomfortable with a situation of equal give and take.  However, if you don’t let people give to us it feels to them that a barrier has been put up (and they are right) and so they will never really bond with you.  Giving and receiving makes most people feel connected and not purchased.  Giving for most people is not paying off a debt or buying credit to maintain independence and avoid “ownership” by the narcissist.

Trying to play nice

  • They are completely disinterested in what is going on in your life, they don’t ask questions about you (or your opinion), if they do, it is only a formality, they do not listen to your reply. They will swing the conversation back to them or general gossip as soon as they can.
  • You will only hear from this type of person when they want something from you. The will constantly make demands on you, gradually wearing you down.   They will not ask you to do something outright as that would be a favour, but will repeat time and again the action that they want you to take through oblique comments and manipulation in general.  It is important to stand your ground when they do this, otherwise you will find yourself over facilitating them (if only for a quiet life), once you do this, they will feel superior and like they have “won” and will almost certainly try to push you into doing something else for them a short while after.  The quickest and most effective way to avoid being coerced in this way is to say “no’ I do not want to do that”.  They will try to force you to do what they want by applying pressure, this can be done with aggression, but weakness and vulnerability are other powerful weapons in their arsenal.  They can also use persuasion, “explaining” how it would benefit you by doing what they told you to do.
  • They can also try to physically intimidate you. This can be done by invading your personal space, threatening facial expression “you will be sorry if you do not do as I say”, staring/glaring at you with a false smile or avoiding eye contact altogether but using a low and menacing tone of voice.
  • They do not let you express yourself in any way. They will tell you that your feelings are all “wrong”, as well as your taste – both decorative and gastronomic disguising it as “advice”, they will lie to you and assume an air of authority on subjects that they know nothing about.  They will flatly contradict what you say and a conversation can quickly turn into an infantile “did”, “didn’t” argument, which most adults will quickly back out of.  That is where the phrase “we will have to agree to disagree” comes in handy.
  • The supposedly “nice” person can leave you feeling horrible after you have tried to communicate with them. They do not want you to express yourself, they want to control you and make you see things exclusively from their point of view.
  • No matter how much they say that they are on your side, they are never, never an ally.

The look and feel of abuse

Questions to ask yourself:

  • How do you feel when you are around the other person?
  • Do you feel uncomfortable around this person, restless, edgy, muted?
  • After you have been open and sincere with a narcissist do you feel better or worse – do you feel vulnerable in some way and/or wish you hadn’t told them how you feel? Do you feel vulnerable because you were frank with them?
  • Are you the person you once were and knew? (If you are in an adult relationship with a narcissist). If you live with a narcissist do you have negative feelings around fear of explosive rage and a negative image of yourself.?
  • Is your dominant feeling in the relationship one of fear? Fear of doing things wrong, fear of rage, fear of being punished in some way, fear of being humiliated or sneered at?
  • Try to define how you feel around them to yourself.
  • Do they “dump” on you – make their problems your problems?
  • Do they try to provoke you in some way? Such as trying to make you feel excluded, jealous or zone in on your vulnerabilities?
  • Do you feel better or worse after you have spent time with them?
  • Do they talk about winning or losing where the narcissist is playing the role of both the hero and the victim?
  • Do they apologise if they have upset you in any way?
  • Does the apology sound sincere?
  • Do they put you down and simultaneously build themselves up?
  • Is it all about the other person?
  • Are your needs, wants and desires met (both emotional and physical)?
  • When you admit to yourself that there is a problem and that it needs to be dealt with, are they willing to listen or co-operate?
  • Do you feel physically or psychologically drained when you are around this person?
  • Does this person let you express your feelings, thoughts, dreams and emotions without trying to block your conversation with negative feedback?
  • Do you ever try to have conversations with this person and think “what is the point, this conversation isn’t going anywhere or making sense”, it feels like they are deliberately misunderstanding you or changing the subject to suit them?
  • Does this person tell you things like their job is better than yours, their family is better than yours, they have better friendships than you do? Or start a conversation with “the problem with you is…”
  • Do you find yourself playing the role of parent or guardian, even if it is with your own parents.
  • Do you feel compromised by the needs and demands of the other person and give in to them just for a quiet life?
  • How do you feel about having friends and family over to your house?
  • Do you trust this person?
  • If this person is your partner, do they participate in household jobs?
  • If something bad or unpleasant happens to the other person, do they take it out on you?
  • Do they listen to you if you are emotionally upset or are feeling physically unwell?
  • Does the other person constantly say unpleasant things about other people and always assume that they are jealous or envious of them?
  • Does the other person have fantasies about success, power, genius or beauty that doesn’t manifest itself in anything that they do or have achieved?
  • Do they tell you that they are fantastic a doing certain things, but there is little or no evidence to support their claim?
  • Do they constantly exaggerate their potential, without making any effort to realise it?
  • Does your relationship feel stable, or are you never quite sure “who is going to turn up”?