February 2018 – Page 4 – Narcissism and how to survive it

Where abuse by females is different

It is reckoned in that one in three abuse victims are males, this figure as quoted in HelpGuide.org strongly contradicts modern stereo types. It is generally acknowledged that women do abuse males, but the general perception is that the figures are tiny and therefore occurrences are rare and extreme. This is not the case.

Men are often afraid of being seen as weak and “unmanly” if they look for help for being abused by a woman. However, the reality is that women tend to abuse men emotionally rather than physically – so there is “nothing to show” for the abuse and is therefore much harder to prove or detect.

Very often, it is strong, kind and self-controlled men who get abused for the very fact that they know that they are physically stronger and could easily do a lot of harm in a very short period of time if they lose control.
Emotional abuse happens over time, slowly getting more and more intense and aggressive. So, at the beginning it is easy to make excuses for her such as having a bad day etc.

The most common ways that a narcissistic female will emotionally abuse are.

By being constantly disappointed with her partner (nothing is ever good enough) when her partner tries harder to please, she will just raise her “standards”.
She will have wild mood swings, so you never know which mood you are going to get when you walk in the door, as a result you will be living in a state of high alert.
She will sneer and humiliate you in front of others, especially your children – she does this to try to ridicule you and make your children feel “ashamed” for loving you, wanting to spend time with you and to alienate you.
Over spend money on items for herself
She will constantly compare you to other couples and will try to make you feel guilty for not having a big enough house, expensive enough car or for not going on enough lavish holidays (like the Smiths do).
Sex will be one of her favourite tools to gain control, this could be by not wanting it at all or by being over demanding and humiliating you “for not being a real man able to keep up”.
Constantly try to make you feel jealous by implying that there is someone else or that most men find her excessively attractive and she could have anyone she wanted
She will enjoy destroying your possessions, especially if she knows that they are of particular importance to you.
She will violate your personal space by walking right up to your face and call you names spitting venom as she does it.
She will throw things at you from across the room, up turn furniture and smash plates and glasses.
She will physically punch, kick and bite
She will check your phone, open your post/emails and stalk you if she feels any threat to her control.

None of these behaviours are in any way acceptable but they are not episodes when taken individually would require intervention. However, their persistence and intensity are very traumatic and can have long lasting effects.

Typically, a man who is being abused at home will look for comfort elsewhere. This can be:

Becoming a workaholic, staying at his work place long after everyone else has gone home.
Getting absorbed in some sports activity that will keep him out of the house for long periods of time.
Other compulsive behaviours such as computer games or substance abuse.

A man who has been emotionally abused will very often protect her behaviour for a long time after he realises that that is what it is. The reasons for this might be:

She is the mother of his children
She has explicitly or implicitly threatened him that if he ever, ever told anyone about the abuse that she would punish him in one way or another
He does not want to appear weak or out of control in his relationship to the outside world
He has been with her for a long time and does not want to admit that the entire relationship was a sham
He is not really sure how far she will push her punitive measures and who else might be hurt by them

Continuing on with an abusive relationship can manifest itself in both physical and mental illnesses. If you think that you are being (or have been) in an abusive relationship it is really important to talk to someone who you trust. It is important to get support from a professional if possible, and make sure that they know what narcissistic abuse is, don’t just ask a therapist if they do, because they will say that they do. Ask them specific tell-tale questions that will prove that they do. It is important that you like/trust your therapist and that you feel that they understand and know what you are talking about. If you choose a therapist and don’t feel comfortable with him/her you are absolutely not obliged to stay with them. If you cannot find a therapist that fits your needs as it is really important to get support and not to feel that you have to deal with the situation alone.

Why narcissists are like young children

Like toddlers, narcissists tend to have very rapid mood swings, the most notable of these swings is when they fly into a rage over something that most of us would consider a minor issue. These rages can flare up in an instant and are very intense, however, these feelings tend to be quite short lived which is confusing because for most people if they felt that intensity of anger it could fester for hours or even days. Not so with a narcissist and the reason for this is that their rage is not genuine anger, it is a controlling mechanism that they employ to get the person that they are raging at to back down. Most of us when met with that level of anger will back down because you think “well if you feel that strongly about it …”. You might well be amazed by how the narcissist can go from bright red in the face with rage to quietly getting on with life once they get their way just a moment later. They will also expect you to behave as if nothing happened too.

Narcissists like toddlers can be very possessive and have difficulty sharing. A toddler might well have trouble sharing people as well as toys. So, for example, a toddler might freak out when they realise that they have to share a favourite aunt or uncle with their cousins or have to share their best friend at pre-school. It is the same for narcissists, they do not like sharing, either people or “stuff”. They will give stuff away sooner than share it – this is because they don’t like the give and take interaction. To give for them is a purchase, sharing on the other hand does not have the same leverage. They will however, take from others relentlessly, because as narcissists, that is their right (sense of entitlement), if they borrow something from someone they do not feel obliged to return the object but will become incensed with rage if someone did the same to them.

The motto of a narcissist it “It’s MINE!!!” just like a toddler. Learning how to share is a developmental stage that narcissists missed out on, this is very isolating for the narcissist child as they never learnt how to interact and play with other children and that is why they find it so hard to maintain friendships/relationships later on in life.

Emotional and social skills are essential for developing abilities such as paying attention to others, switching from one activity to the next and cooperating with others. The ability to show empathy, express feelings and share generously are not the hallmarks of the narcissistic personality.

Some people do not think that narcissism is genetic is because one of the key components to learning the above skills is to have a role model of appropriate behaviours. If a child sees a role model sharing, showing gratitude, co-operating and openly expressing feelings they will have a good understanding of how to interact with people outside the immediate family. Showing respect for children and other members of the family is essential. A child will observe what is done and take it on board much more than what is said.

This is where narcissistic parents become unstuck. They may well tell their child how they want them to behave (to make them “look good”), correcting them when they forget to say “please” or “thank you”, doing kind things for other people, but if they are disrespectful to their partner, their own children and or criticise others within earshot of their children, that is what the child will learn. Children mimic behaviours not words. Which isn’t to say that every child of a narcissistic parent will automatically become a narcissist themselves, that depends on the character of the child, the intensity of the narcissistic parenting and a multitude of external influences, such as supportive relations, teachers and neighbours etc. all contribute.

Healthy parents will reinforce positive social behaviour, this makes the child feel good about themselves and teaches the child the types of behaviour that are worthy of praise. Helping a child feel good about themselves helps them to develop a sense of empathy for others. This is because they feel secure enough in themselves to feel other people’s pain, without being over burdened by it. When a child is brought up in an environment where they are allowed to share their feelings the child will automatically become more generous and thoughtful. This was not the case with the narcissist, in general narcissists are “afraid” of their feelings and have a tendency to block most of them (with the exception of rage), because feelings for a narcissist are not “safe” and are a sign of weakness, which is why they cannot love, be empathetic, caring or even listen to the feelings of others. A narcissist will very often block the expression of feeling in others (no matter how mild) with comments such as “well at least”, “nobody died”, “you always” or some other disparaging remark.

Parents can stimulate empathy and emotional intelligence in their children by encouraging them to think about how other people feel, take the perspective of another. The expression “people will rarely understand what you are feeling unless they have experienced it themselves” is very true. If a child has been denied access to their own feelings, they will find it almost impossible to know what other people are going through – this carries through to narcissistic adults.

That laughed at therapist’s phrase of “how did that make you feel” is absolutely valid. Narcissists are so divorced from their feelings that they probably don’t actually know what the question means. As children we all grew up with things that we were or were not allowed to do. For example, eat sweets, stay up late or cross a busy road on your own. However, children of narcissistic parents were not “allowed” or were punished for the expression of their feelings. This is almost certainly a learnt reaction like those two famous English quotes “stiff upper lip” and “we don’t do feelings” as though that was a virtue. It is not, it is a denial of the very thing that makes us human.

Teaching and modelling cooperation is a lifelong skill that you will give to your child. It will make them much more socially adept and will provide them the ability to relate to others. This in turn will make it easier for them to develop healthy and happy relationships of their own. As a child learns to develop social problem solving skills they will learn how to deal with conflict or arguments with their peers and will also teach them the concepts of negotiation and compromise. These are skills that were never developed in a narcissist.

Description words for narcissists

NARCISSISTS ARE

Aggressive

Agitated

Angry

Antagonistic

Argumentative

Arrogant

Authoritative

Blames others

Bossy

Bully

Calculating

Callous

Capricious

Cold

Competitive

Compulsive

Conceited

Condemning

Condescending

Contemptuous

Contrary

Controlling

Corrupting

Cowardly

Critical

Cruel

Demanding

Destructive

Disrespectful

Disdainful

Dishonest

Disloyal

Distrustful

Divisive

Egotistical

Enraged

Entitled

Envious

Furious

Greedy

Harmful

Harsh

Holds grudges

Hyper Sensitive

Immature

Impressionable

Inconsistent

Infantile

Impatient

Immoral

Incompetent

Inconsiderate

Infuriated

Insecure

Insensitive

Irresponsible

Jealous

Judgemental

Lazy

Liar

Malicious

Manipulative

Materialistic

Mean

Moody

Needy

Obnoxious

Obsessive

Offensive

Offended easily

Over reacts

Parasitical

Poisonous

Presumptuous

Pretentious

Pushy

Quarrelsome

Quick tempered

Rash

Reckless

Resentful

Retaliating

Reprimanding

Revengeful

Rude

Ruthless

Sadistic

Sarcastic

Scornful

Secretive

Seething

Selfish

Scheming

Scornful

Shameful

Shocking

Sneaky

Spiteful

Spoiled

Suspicious

Tense

Thief

Thoughtless

Threatened

Uncaring

Unclear

Undependable

Unempathetic

Uninterested

Unkind

Unreliable

Unresponsive

Unsympathetic

Untrustworthy

Unyielding

Venomous

Violent

Vindictive

Wicked

Wrathful

TARGET MAY FEEL

Abused

Afraid

Alarmed

Alienated

Annoyed

Ambivalent

Angry

Anguished

Anxious

Attacked

Bewildered

Betrayed

Bitter

Cautious

Closed

Confused

Contempt

Crushed

Bored

Defeated

Defenceless

Depleted

Depressed

Disrespected

Desolate

Destroyed

Disappointed

Discouraged

Disenfranchised

Disgraced

Disgusted

Disheartened

Disillusioned

Disliked

Dismayed

Disoriented

Distrusting

Disturbed

Drained

Dreading

Embarrassed

Empty

Engulfed

Exasperated

Exhausted

Exposed

Fearful

Forlorn

Frustrated

Grief-stricken

Guilty

Heartbroken

Harassed

Hateful

Helpless

Hopeless

Horrified

Hostile

Humiliated

Hurt

Ignored

Impotent

Indifferent

Indignation

Inferior

Insecure

Isolated

Insulted

Jealous

Lonely

Melancholy

Miserable

Neglected

Nervous

Numb

Oppressed

Outraged

Overwhelmed

Paralysed

Panicked

Perplexed

Plagued

Powerless

Preoccupied

Punished

Rageful

Regretful

Rejected

Resentful

Revulsion

Sad

Scared

Self-conscious

Shamed

Shocked

Sorrow

Stunned

Suspicious

Terrified

Threatened

Tormented

Tortured

Uncertain

Uncomfortable

Unhappy

Unsafe

Used

Victimised

Vulnerable

Weary

Worried

Wounded

Wronged

THE OPPOSITE

Accepted

Acknowledged

Admired

Adorable

Alive

Amused

Appreciated

At ease

Attracted

Awe

Awake

Beaming

Beautiful

Beguiled

Blissful

Blithe

Buoyant

Brave

Bright

Calm

Carefree

Certain

Charming

Cheerful

Clever

Comfortable

Concerned

Confident

Considerate

Courageous

Content

Creative

Curious

Delighted

Desirable

Devoted

Dynamic

Eager

Ebullient

Ecstatic
Elated

Encouraged

Energetic

Enjoyment

Entertained

Euphoric

Excited

Exhilarated

Exuberant

Fortunate

Free

Frisky

Giddy

Glad

Gleeful

Grateful

Happy

Hardy

Heard

Heeded

Hopeful

Inquisitive

Interested

Intrigued

Invigorated

Joyful

Jubilant

Keen

Kind

Light

Listened to

Lively

Loving

Lucky

Merry

Noticed

Open

Optimistic

Passionate

Peaceful

Perky

Playful

Pleased

Positive

Pride

Radiant

Raptured

Reassured

Receptive

Relaxed

Reliable

Safe

Satisfied

Secure

Seen

Serene

Sensitive

Significant

Sincere

Spirited

Sprightly

Supported

Sure

Surprised (good)

Sympathetic

Tender

Thrilled

Touched

Understood

Untroubled

Upbeat

Wanted

Warm

Welcome

Well

On making mistakes

Narcissists will expect their targets to apologise for the slightest trifle or indeed things that the narcissist did. The words “I am sorry” are constantly on the tip of the targets tongue.

The definition of “mistake” to a narcissist comes in a very different form to that which most of us consider a mistake.

Mistakes can be:

Getting sick
Sneezing or sniffing
Breaking or dropping something
Having a familial obligation that does not include them
Doing things without consulting them first
Talking about yourself (unless it is useful information that they can use against you later)
Buying them a present that they don’t like, they will not hide their distaste, won’t appreciate the effort or expense and will happily give back, give it to someone else or throw it to one side without saying thank you.
Making a mess of any sort. If visiting a narcissist any personal possessions left in “communal spaces” will be promptly returned to your room as an assertion of their territory.
Having fun
Playing and laughing
Singing and dancing for fun
Receiving compliments
Not obeying their orders
Knowing people who they do not know or know about

There are several things that happen when a narcissist perceives that you have made a mistake

They can punish you in some unrelated way
They can flip into a rage
If you are sick they will either try to force you out of bed to take care of them, or get into bed soon and say that they are sicker than you (even though they have no symptoms)
If you are having fun they will try to destroy the mood
If you are singing they will tell you that you have a horrible voice and are giving them a headache
If you are being creative they will laugh at your efforts and either insult what you have made or give a very obvious false compliment
If you forget something they will insult you
If you have a family obligation they will accuse you of not caring about them/always being away
If you receive a compliment they will try to dampen it by saying something like “don’t exaggerate” “it’s not that nice” or when the person who made the compliment is out of earshot they will say something like “they were only being polite” “they have really bad taste”
If you don’t do what they tell you to do they will rage, tell you that never listen, use emotional blackmail “if you loved me you would” or lie “I would do if for you” even though you know that they wouldn’t
If you do something that doesn’t have a perfect outcome they will say “I told you not to do that” even though they didn’t

The list is long, but as with all things with narcissists the rules that they provide for you can and will be broken by them all of the time and can change all of the time. A very common phrase from narcissists is “now look what you made me do” because narcissists don’t make mistakes and if they do it is your fault.

Boundaries

What does the word “boundary” mean to you? Are you like I was and saw boundaries as something that happened between nations. Heralded with flags, pomp and ceremony, something to fight for. In theory we know it is important to have personal boundaries, they are very much worth protecting, but do we actually know what they really are? The best way to set boundaries is to learn to say NO when people are trying to manipulate or force you into doing something that you don’t want to do and knowing that we are not obliged to take care of other adults just because they try to make you feel obliged to. We also know that some people have absolutely no regard for other people’s boundaries. It is relatively easy to erect a physical boundary it is much harder to set personal boundaries. This is an especially difficult task for people who have come from a narcissistic family of origin because all through their childhood they have been fed a message by one or both of their narcissistic parents that it “it doesn’t matter what you want, it is all about what I want and I will force you either physically or through bullying and terrorising you to put my needs and the needs of others (that I have chosen) before your own”. People who have endured a “relationship” or “relationships” with people with a narcissistic personality disorder don’t know or have lost sight of understanding what interpersonal boundaries are, because they have been so completely violated. There are a number of ways to erect boundaries and these include:

Learning to say NO
Deciding which behaviours you find acceptable and which you do not, draw the line and stick to it rigidly
Make up some phrases that will help you to get out of a situation when the narcissist is trying to force you to do something for them that you don’t want to do, such as “I have got to go”, “we will have to agree to disagree”, “I am not going to tolerate or continue any conversation where you call me names”, “there is no point in shouting at me, it is not going to make me change my mind”
Don’t be open with them, they will use that information against you at a later date
Don’t explain yourself, they will only tell you why you are wrong to think the way you do
Call them out when they are being abusive with comments like “I find it frustrating that you negate or invalidate everything that I say or feel” they will almost certainly deny that this is true but saying it is enough
Boundary making is a constant effort (as it is with a small child) so comments like the one above can be used in future conversations if necessary
Don’t let them change the subject if they do not like the direction the conversation is taking with comments like “that has absolutely nothing to do with what we are talking about right now”
Make a plan of what you want to get out of the conversation and concede certain issues if necessary

The erecting and maintaining those boundaries are vital for moving forward and to prevent you from falling into the same trap again and again. So many of us have done so because it feels familiar, and as children we were indoctrinated that this familiar feeling was “love”, but that was a lie.

If you come from a narcissistic family of origin you may well have been punished for saying “no” to your parents, or if you did say “no” they just ignored you and did what they wanted anyway and forced you to go along with their plan, you might also be willing to do too much for others as a result of being punished as a child for non-compliance, so bending over backwards for others could be your norm and you might be “willing” to do that because it is less harrowing than your memory of narcissistic rages in the past from when you didn’t set out to “please” mummy or daddy.

Children from narcissistic families are often ridiculed for having wants and desires and so they don’t even know what they want themselves, this makes it very easy to manipulate, even by a relatively low spectrum narcissist.

Here are some simple questions to ask yourself in any given situation:

How does it make me feel?
Do I want to do it or do I feel I ought to do it?
What is in it for me: good company, entertainment, something new to learn? Money?
Would the person who is making this demand on me do something equivalent for me sometime?
What is my relationship with this person like? Do I make all the effort or is it reciprocated?
If I go to some trouble and spend time and money for this person are they genuinely grateful or, do they just take it and me for granted?
Do they lavish fake praise on me in company but criticise me (or worse) when no one is around?
Do they value my time, money, effort, expertise etc?
Are they asking me to do something for them that they could easily do for themselves?
Do they volunteer your time to other people and wrap it up in a phrase like “I just knew you would want to help because you are such a nice person and so good with children and Mary will be there, you are always telling me how much you enjoy Mary’s company”

We all have our limits but some people’s boundaries are porous and need to be shored up and protected from narcissist who do not know when to stop taking. A taker never stops taking, it is the giver that has to set the limits on what is acceptable to them and what is not. This doesn’t have to be conflictual you can just say something like “Thursday doesn’t suit me”, “I don’t have time for that this week”. “I have made other arrangements for that day”. It takes practice but try to avoid saying “I am sorry” or “I am afraid” because that shows vulnerability and a narcissist will pick up on that and push harder to get their way.

If the narcissist(s) in your life try /tries to push you into a corner, it is not “rude” as you may have been conditioned to think to stand your own ground. If they become abusive there is no reason that you should listen to the abuse, you might be used to it and be deaf to verbal abuse – but the more you check how someone is talking to you and the body language they use, the more aware you will become of when your boundaries are being violated, the more you do it the easier it becomes – it is like cooking.

Remember narcissists are like children and they will constantly test you to see how much they can get away with, they are also cowards, so if you present a solid but civil resistance they will pull in their horns a bit. You can always walk away from them and not answer or justify your lack of willingness to be coerced in situations when a person is being abusive, aggressive or sending provocative texts or emails you need to give them time to cool their heels. An abusive contact is just that and does not warrant a reply.

So, where do we draw the line? Ask yourself some questions:

How does this make me feel?
Am I being taken for granted?
Does this person see me as an individual – or just as being useful?
Do I trust this person?
Do I have a genuine and authentic relationship with this person?
Would I go to this person if I was in trouble?
Does this person talk to me or talk at me? (do I know the difference?)
Does this person ever show genuine gratitude for what I have done or is it “love what you did, keep it coming”?

The reality is that you teach people how you want to be treated in all aspects of life. You have to have boundaries because not everyone is coming from a kind and authentic place. Some people are predators and will go after whatever they can get, others are opportunists who will profit when they can and some are just working for the common good. The nasties in this world will project their “stuff” onto other people, so it is important that we have a defence against that.

If you do not let someone know that their behaviour is hurtful or inappropriate it will continue so it is important to let the person know there and then that what they said or did was not acceptable, if you don’t it is more than likely they will deny that it ever happened. If you have been a people pleaser, saying that you do not accept someone’s behaviour takes a bit of practice. In fact, you might not notice until after the fact and think of what you should have said later so it is important to write down what you would have liked to have said so that it comes to you more easily in future encounters.

To maintain strong boundaries, it is therefore important to stay on high alert with people that you know have a tendency to over step the mark. If they keep repeating their behaviour then take immediate action, like cutting or severely limiting all contact with that person. Standing up for yourself does not make you belligerent, it makes you someone who respects and loves yourself and it provides a model for others to follow.

Narcissists do not respect other people’s boundaries and they do not see this as a problem because they rarely get pulled up on it for fear of narcissistic rage. However, if you set boundaries and stick to them, they will finally get the message. They are not interested in how you feel or want to be treated, it needs to be on their terms or not at all. They will show you this, so it is important to observe the warning signs if they keep trying to violate your boundaries it is time to walk away.

Other ways that narcissists can violate your boundaries is by being rude, they think it is synonymous with humour and they do not pick up on the palpable discomfort in the room because they are busy thinking how funny they have just been, even though the company is not expressing genuine humour. They can also share inappropriate stories or anecdotes that makes others feel uncomfortable, such as very private details about a mutual friend (real or imaginary) or graphic details of a sexual encounter that no one wants to know about.

Parentification

Parentification is where one or both parents depend on their child(ren) to provide them with emotional and mental support. It is a complete reversal of roles and very damaging for the child because not only does the child not receive any parenting themselves, they are also expected to parent their parents too. The child never gets the nurturing, comforting and space they need for their own emotional development since they are constantly putting the needs and demands of one or both parents before their own. The parent may think on a conscious or an unconscious level that they have finally have someone to love them unconditionally and uses the child to fill the feeling of emptiness from not having had loving parents in their own childhood. Children cannot get away from their parents, so the parent might feel that it is safe for them to depend on their child for “love” possibly for the first time in their life so they will work very hard to keep the child in the role that they have allocated to them, in effect the parent makes the child responsible for their happiness and well-being. They expect the child to be an unwavering secure source of emotional support, the type of love and support that a narcissist who is parentifying their child expects is not one that two adults would expect from one another because it is too enmeshed, adults do not need unconditional love in partnerships or friendships, so it is completely inappropriate for an adult to expect that level of support from a small child who has not had a healthy or supportive environment to get their own needs met.

The tools that the parent uses to keep their child in the parentified role are fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear that if they do not take care of the emotional needs of their parent they, the parent will break-down or fall apart. The parent will repeatedly tell the child that it is their duty to take care of the parent, that is what children do, so the child responds to this situation by being extremely reactive to their parent’s needs and expectations, frequently trying to anticipate them before the parent does.

The parentified child respond to this dysfunctional system by:

Extreme obedience out of fear and obligation.
Never showing any needs or vulnerability to the extent that they will never feel comfortable seeking parental support of they are sick, sad or distressed.
Giving their parents everything that they want so that they don’t abuse the child. What the parent wants is always more than the child wants to give, taking more from the child than they want to give is a “win” for the narcissistic parent.
Keeping a very low profile to not to be a nuisance or take any attention away from the parent.

The parentifying model will not exist outside the home, the parent will seem like they are assuming to parental role and will get annoyed with their child if they parent them in public. Parentified children are not allowed to have a childhood and the parent can get angry with their off spring if they play and act like a child. The child will not get any validation from their parent because the parent thinks that it is the child’s role to provide them with affirmations, so they will say things like

“Do you love me?” and rarely say “I love you” and never with sincerity, possibly only after the child has done the parent a favour.
“We are best friends”
If a parentified child asks the parent for guidance the parent will reply “Do what you want” or “I don’t care what you do”
Alternatively a child can be expected to fulfil the unachieved ambitions of a parent or go into the same line of work that their parent chose
If the child wants to do something without the parent such as singing lessons, sport or getting a job the parent will say “Oh no, you don’t want to do that you’d hate it”, “We can’t afford that” even when they can, “I don’t have time for that” even when they do

They will hold their child back whenever and where ever they can (without exposure), so that they child stays focused on the parent(s). The message that the child gets is that their needs are always too much. They might put a roof over the child’s head and food on the table, but any more than that is excessive and to show gratitude for the basics that they have been given means that they must dedicate all of their energy to tend to the endless emotional needs of the parent.

Any expression of their needs can be met with abuse, ridicule (for having needs) or outright rejection “just go away!”.

As they grow up they are petrified of doing something that might annihilate their parent, because their parent presents themselves as being extremely fragile and weak. So that even pointing out the abusive behaviour of the parent will feel like they are being excessively aggressive or unreasonable so they hide their own feelings to protect the parent.

The parent plays the victim causing their child to see themselves as being mean and nasty if they express their own independence. The parent will also resent the fact that their child wants independence from them and will convey the message that the child has to stay small and quiet in order to survive, not to act like an individual and to always think of the needs of the parent before taking any action.

When the child is ready to separate from the parent, the parent might see this as a replication of their own childhood wounds and act out in anger/rage, name calling and various other methods in an attempt to eviscerate the child into feeling so bad about themselves that they find it very hard to make a clean break. The parent will continue to look for emotional support from the child even when they do move a way and if anything upsets the parent they will expect their child to drop everything and run to their aid. This reassurance that they look for can be as a result something real or just a test to see if they can still wield power over their child.

The parentified child must learn that they have been cast in a highly inappropriate role by their parents and to heal from these wounds they have to acknowledge the pain, the lack of parental love and realise that they do not need to sabotage themselves and their ability to thrive to satisfy their parent’s needs. A child will never be able to satisfy the needs of their parents as a child cannot take the pain away from their parents by bearing it themselves. The parent has an insatiable appetite for validation, love and approval and unless they do the work for themselves any comfort they receive from their child will be very short lived and they will almost immediately start to look for more. Parentified children must learn to hand back their parent’s pain as it is not theirs to deal with.