Category: Behaviours

Gossip

Narcissists love to gossip, the reasons for this are as follows:

  • It reinforces their notion of their own superiority
  • It provides a semblance of intimacy, they “share” other people’s secrets, not their own, so it creates a mask of trust, without exposing themselves in any way.
  • It creates drama and often division of friends and family, which in turn gives them more excitement.
  • Attacking/ruining the reputation of others diminishes that person in their eyes “buoys” up their own ego.
  • Any consequences of the gossip that they spread makes them feel “powerful”/important
  • They will pepper their gossip about other people with half-truths that will render their lies plausible
  • They will hint at things without actually saying something outright, hoping that you will take the bait. They will feel that they have a safety net in place and will be in a position to deny everything if it backfires

Bullying

The core essence of being a narcissist is contingent on the fact that they are bullies.  Bullying comes in many different guises, they are:

  • Verbal bullying
  • Physical bullying
  • Emotional bullying
  • Isolation bullying
  • Extortion bullying
  • Cyber bullying
  • Stalking

The reason that people bully is because they are carrying a lot of shame and anger which in turn makes them feel powerless and fearful, in the distorted thinking of a narcissist’s mind, hurting someone else makes them feel powerful and in control.  Bullying however, is in no way a show of strength it is a sign of an underlying deep seated sense weakness.  A strong well balanced person does not need to hurt or demean someone else to feel okay about themselves, they are sufficiently grounded in themselves to not lash out at or abuse someone else to feel “better than”.

So how does it happen, that someone who is weak can bully a stronger individual.  There are a number of techniques that are used

  • A bully will attack when they perceive that another person is “down” for some reason, they might be new in the job and unsure of their role, they may have had a divorce or just moved into a new area. In school a child might be physically smaller for her age group or over weight.  A bully zones in on the weak point and relentlessly repeats the same message over and over again to enforce an insecurity and create disharmony.  It is not clever or sophisticated it is just repetition of a mean judgemental sentiment.  It is important to note that narcissists are cowards and do not bully people who are on a level standing with them whether that is financial, physical or well supported by their family and community.
  • They will recruit an army of supporters of their own so that the target of the bully has nowhere to turn to. This is done by gossip, providing false information, performing practical “jokes” to humiliate and isolate their target.  The recruited very possibly have no idea that they are being manipulated and will fully support the narcissist for what they think are the right reasons.
  • They can launch a verbal attack on you out of the blue, so you never know what it is that they are accusing you of. This sort of attack is projection, they might have had a massive fight with their partner who accused them of things, but since a narcissist is never wrong, suddenly it is your fault that their partner (who you might have never met) is angry with them.  You will never know the background story, they will just hit out in anger.
  • We have all seen videos where a kitten will bully a Great Dane, it is not because the kitten is stronger than the dog, it is because they repeat the same action over and over again. The Great Dane knows that it could kill the kitten with one shake of its head, but it doesn’t because it is only a tiny kitten.  It works the same way with bullies, the minute that the meet resistance they hold up the feeble, weak victim flag and suddenly the bullied person is supposed to back down.  Bullies trade on the fact that other people will be much better behaved, more polite and sensitive to others than they are.
  • Physical bullying is also a weakness and comes in many forms such as when an adult tickles a child until he cries, that is not playing that is a show of physical domination, there is a lot of rough housing among children that it is healthy, however there is a turning point when it becomes abuse. Physical bullying frequently happens amongst adults too.  It is not always in the form of hitting or pushing, it also happens when someone violates your private space and shouts into your face.
  • All bullying is confusing to the target because it is usually illogical and always abusive. For example, a girl could be bullied in a group of friends because she is very beautiful or always gets good grades, what is wrong with that?  Absolutely nothing unless you are around narcissists who can only see things from their own perspective and so the beautiful, intelligent girl will “make” them feel ugly and stupid.  It is important to note that a narcissist will very often think that another person did something (like being born beautiful) deliberately just to make them look/feel bad about themselves.

When a person is unable to share their feelings with someone else and they get the usual feedback of “oh I am sure that they didn’t mean it that way”, “you are being too sensitive”, “it was probably just a misunderstanding” it can leave them emotionally exhausted and scarred.  Research has shown that people who are persistently subjected to abusive behaviour are much more at risk of stress related illness.  Most of the research has taken place in childhood bullying and has shown that children/adults who score highly on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) or CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) are significantly more likely to get serious illnesses later on in life such as cancer, diabetes and heart disease.  If one child has been singled out to be bullied is in a family of origin, it causes anxiety for all of the children in that family just being a witness to the abuse of their sibling, for fear that the bullying behaviour might be turned on them, but also from the guilt and shame that they did nothing to intervene and stop the bullying of their brother/sister.

Bullying has no boundaries and can be redirected at any time to anyone, it can come in the form of constant erosion of someone’s self-esteem through snide comments, put downs and name calling to physical contact with a victim, it can be short term or go on for years as in a family/partner situation.

 

The effects of bullying are:

  • Low self-esteem/confidence
  • Constantly anxious and on high alert
  • Depression
  • Confusion, lack of motivation
  • Self-doubt
  • Difficulty focusing/concentrating
  • Lack of appetite or comfort eating
  • Disrupted sleep patterns
  • Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol
  • Mood swings
  • Vomiting
  • Panic attacks
  • Social anxiety
  • Suicidal ideation

Authentic Vs False self

 

There are several ways that you can distinguish between someone who is being sincere and authentic and some who is presenting you with a mask or false self.  Below is a list of some tell-tale signs that someone is presenting with an image rather than an authentic personality.

Authentic self traits: 

  • Are energised, awake and aware of who they are and the effect that they have on others
  • Have good clear communication techniques where their language, body language and intonation all relay the same message
  • Are empathetic, kind and co-operative
  • Are aware and respectful of the needs, dreams and can see perspectives other than their own
  • Are honest, open and have integrity
  • Expect equality in all relationships that they enter into
  • Have a strong sense of justice and decency (will always try to do the right thing)
  • Can spontaneously express their emotions in a balanced way
  • Can genuinely relate and form bonds with others
  • Are able to judge without being judgemental or critical
  • Can forward plan and postpone immediate gratification if they perceive it as unfitting for the moment
  • Spiritually in tune and aware
  • Consistent in their values and ethics (they apply the same values to themselves as they do to others)
  • Constantly curious and are growing through learning and experience
  • Genuinely enjoy other people’s happiness and success
  • Are not interested in gossiping about others

Unauthentic or false self 

  • Have low energy levels, walk around as if they are in a dream and have virtually no self-awareness or the effect that they have on others
  • Are very poor at communicating, can completely contradict themselves in a very short period of time, leaving their listener feeling confused.
  • Their language, body language and intonation all contradict each other
  • Are completely lacking in empathy, very reluctant to meet the needs of others unless they stand to gain something
  • Usually unaware of the needs, dreams and perspectives other than their own and they are strongly disinclined to learn what they might be
  • Are pathological liars, are very secretive/closed  and are open and are corrupt in their thoughts and actions
  • Expect to be treated as a superior in all of their relationships
  • Their sense of morality is for how they think others should treat them. The same rules do not apply to them and will always do what they think serves their own needs best at the time.  Will have absolutely no qualms about doing something that hurts someone else
  • Will constantly be looking for cues from other people when it comes to “expressing emotion” so that they can decide how to “play it”
  • Have absolutely no capacity to relate to others and find it impossible to form genuine bonds and relationships
  • Are hyper judgemental and critical of others
  • Cannot forward plan and are only interested in immediate gratification no matter what the consequences
  • Are spiritually dead although they can use religion as a leverage for feeling superior
  • Highly inconsistent in their values and ethics (they do not apply “rules” to themselves as they do to others) and these can vary hugely depending on the company that they are in
  • Have no curiosity and do not feel that they have to make the effort of developing and improving themselves (they think that they are already perfect)
  • Genuinely enjoy other people’s defeats and failures
  • Love to gossip about others, especially when it is malicious

 

The most common characteristics of abusers

  • Abusers abuse sporadically because they know that if they were abusive all of the time, people would distance themselves from the abuser and the narcissist cannot bear to be alone.
  • They might only abuse very few people. Those people tend to be kind, generous and sensitive to the needs of others and give too much.  They can also be people who are in a vulnerable position such as those with no family support, in poverty or a foreign national trying to fit in an unfamiliar country.
  • Abusers will go out of their way to appear normal and will probably go to a lot of trouble to self-promote, this self-promotion will generally be vocal but it can be in the form of making gestures such as turning up to help with the school fund raising event, but usually their contribution will be minimal.
  • The push relationships too far. They always want more than the abused person wants to give, but they also want the abused person to take more than they want to take.  This comes in three forms 1) they tell the abused person who they are (according to what the narcissist wants them to be), this changes depending on the circumstances of the abuser, 2) they are too intimate too quickly and assume a more intense relationship than the other person is ready to have, 3) they will bestow presents/money etc. whether the other person wants it or not and will then expect that they have purchased favour/multiple favours.
  • They use their voice to control. Most narcissists are very loud or very quiet.  Loud voiced narcissists use their voice to dominate any conversation, quiet voiced narcissists use their voice so that the person that they are talking to has to lean into them and block out any background noise.  They also use it to express rage so that they can intimidate or embarrass, in particular, but not exclusively in public places.  They also use the “silent treatment” (lack of voice) to manipulate another person (make them feel invisible).
  • They use body language as a weapon, They can bristle with hostility, twitch with anger, ignore eye contact or look bored and annoyed when another person is talking, they can roll their eyes or simply get up and walk away from someone without reason.  They can also physically push in front of another person, physically touch them in an inappropriate sexual way or simply to claim dominance such as pushing them forward into a space/room.  This is to claim ownership and to let the other person know that they feel they can touch them where ever they like and ignore personal boundaries completely.
  • If the victim is unaware of narcissistic abuse, they can project good intention and can remain unaware of the abuse because they will see it as “having a bad day” or an isolated incident from a grumpy person.  They can fail to see the pattern and make excuses for the abuser and take inappropriate responsibility the abusers actions.  The victim is unaware that although the abuse can cease for sometimes long periods of time, the abuse is relentless and will never stop.
  • The abuser may apologise, but it is never sincere, just a means to an end, to stop the victim from shutting them out. Narcissists are master thespians, so the apology might appear to be authentic, but it never is.
  • The abuser will also make a lot of false promises such as “I am so sorry, I will never do that again (hit you, cheat on you, be verbally abusive to you, embarrass and humiliate you in public)”.  It is not true, they will they get a bit high on the pain/embarrassment/humiliation they cause, it makes them feel “big”.

Traits that narcissists look for in their “chosen ones”

  • Empathy a narcissist will always be looking for an empathic person. This is because they are easier to manipulate.  It will not even occur to an empath that a person would lie and deceive them (unless they have been hurt by someone before) at the same time as professing their love.
  • Trust they will be looking for someone who cannot operate in a relationship if there is not trust. They will test the trust levels of their victim to see how far they can push their agenda, frequently asking them to prove their trust.  Once they know that they have the trust of the other person, they will start to betray them.  Little by little at first but then on absolutely everything
  • Openness and honesty when someone is open and honest it is very easy for a narcissist to harvest information about the insecurities of that person. It doesn’t occur to most people that sharing information in this way is anything other than a way of getting to know each other better.  However, this information will be taken and used against a victim in the future so that a narcissist can diminish and demean their “chosen one”
  • Politeness and behaving correctly narcissists depend on the fact that their victims will be polite and determined not to “hurt other people’s feelings” or have the ability to say “no”. Above all they look for people whose intention will be to be civil and decent.To the narcissist, this level of politeness is sheer a delight, it means that boundaries are easily violated and that is just what they are looking for. They will count on the fact that you will try to be fair and just, while they will be dishonest, scheming and conniving.
  • Self-doubt delights the narcissist because they can easily erode their victims confidence and replace their confidence with the narcissists narrative, they do this little by little chipping away at their self-esteem all of the time.
  • Vulnerability is seen as a weakness in the predatorynarcissist. When they sense that someone is having a difficult time in their life is the exact moment they will pounce, they will first appear that they are filled with concern and willing to help when and where they can.  When they have their victim lulled into a false sense of security they will change and gradually (but persistently) try to destroy them