What narcissists what they say vs what they mean

  • “Think of the children” = Think of me
  • “You are so selfish” = You are not giving me enough attention, time, money or adoration
  • “You made a fool of yourself this evening” (after a social engagement) = You took the limelight away from me – how dare you
  • “I’d love to but…” = There is nothing in it for me/I can’t be bothered
  • “Stop showing off” = Stop trying to take the attention away from me.
  • “That person is an idiot” = This person is highly intelligent and I feel threatened by her/him
  • “This person is a complete attention seeker” = This person is in competition for attention with me and I do not like it at all.
  • “Such a person said that I am the best cook/singer/musician/actor/politician etc.” = Lie, this is something that a non-narcissist would ever say (even if they thought it)
  • “You said that you loved me” = You cannot stop taking excessive care of me and my needs.
  • “How could you do this to me” = I am the victim here and it is ALL your fault even though I was abusing you
  • “you are so selfish, think about the children” – Who is going to mind ME
  • “We had it so good why do you have to go and destroy it all” = you were such an easy person to manipulate and an excellent source of narcissistic supply, how can you possibly leave me
  • “You have gone mad? You need to go to therapy” = It is really upsetting me that you want to stop serving me in the way that I have become accustomed to
  • “You are completely crazy?” = you are beginning to see the real me
  • “I just want what is best for you” = I just want what is best for me/I demand that you put my needs before your own
  • “I know everything that is worth knowing” = I don’t know about the subject that you are referring to, so I will dismiss it as irrelevant
  • “I just want to help” = I just want to interfere in your life
  • “I love you” = I want you to love me and give me all your attention and resources
  • “I love you soooo much” = you are really easy to manipulate and are good at providing me with the attention and resources that I want, I am manipulating by giving you the “validation” you want
  • “I was just joking” = I was testing your boundaries, I realise I pushed too far, but that is your fault
  • “You are so sensitive” = You are not supposed to reply in a negative way when I abuse you.
  • “Stop acting the victim” = You are not supposed to notice that I am being abusive
  • “The sacrifices that I have made for you” = I might have done something for you that wasn’t absolutely in my own interest, it still upsets me.
  • “You are so ungrateful” = You are not being a good enough audience for me. Up the praise level.
  • If you suggest that you are going to do something nice for someone else to a narcissist, such as visit someone in hospital or buy them a wedding present their default reaction is to block you and they will say things like “they said that they didn’t want visitors” = I don’t want you to visit them because I have no intention of doing so and if you go it will make me look bad/ don’t buy them a present it will only embarrass them = I don’t want to buy them a present, I cannot be bothered and so I don’t want you to either.

Stock defence phrases from a narcissist in an argument

  • “You’re being irrational” = You’re “making” me look like I am in the wrong
  • “You should see a shrink” = Stop being rational
  • “You’ve got a very lively imagination” = I don’t like what you are saying so I will discard it as fantasy
  • “I don’t recall it happening that way” = I am not going to admit to any fault
  • “Why are you being so aggressive?” = stop defending yourself
  • “You always say that” = I didn’t take your argument on board the last time and I am not going to consider it this time either, it doesn’t suit me.
  • “Why do you always have to be so immature?” = Don’t try to draw me into a rational argument/this is a no go area
  • “I am not yelling I am just telling you” = I am yelling
  • “You need to communicate more effectively” = I do not like what you are saying
  • “Why do you always have to pick fights?” = It is really annoying when you pull me up on my bad behaviour
  • “I am just going to assume that you are premenstrual!” = I am going to discard anything you say
  • “I am just going to assume that you are over tired” = I am going to ignore you
  • “Yeah right”, “Oh sure” = I am not going to respond to you in a way that can further this discussion
  • “You are not in a stable state of mind at the moment” = I am not going to respect anything that you say
  • “You’re mad, crazy, depressed etc.” = I don’t have to listen to you
  • “I met so and so the other day and s/he said that you were acting in a really weird way” = I am drawing in invisible backup with lies
  • “You have no friends for a reason” = I have no friends
  • “Now look what you made me do!” = I know I did something bad but it is your fault
  • “You have changed a lot you are not the person that I married” = I have moved into the demeaning part of our “relationship”
  • “You are always so controlling” = don’t play my game with me
  • “We only get invited to these events because everyone loves me, you should be grateful” = I am more important than you

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