Infantalisation in narcissistic families happens deliberately and by default. It happens by default because the narcissistic parent(s) are emotionally very immature themselves, so they cannot provide a healthy emotional role model for their children to follow. They have little or no self-awareness or an awareness that their children are human beings rather than their possessions.
According to Wikipedia Infantalisation is
a term referring to the treatment of one who is not a biological child as though he or she is a child.[1] When used in reference to teenagers or adolescents, the term typically suggests that teenagers and their potential are underestimated in modern society, and/or that adolescents are often regarded as though they are younger than their actual age.[2]
People who are the subject of infantilisation by others are said to have been “infantilised.” Studies have shown that an individual, when infantilized, is overwhelmingly likely to feel disrespected. Such individuals may report a sense of transgression akin to dehumanisation.[3]
Infantilisation may also refer to a process when a child is being treated in a manner appropriate only for younger children.[4]
This is done to the children of narcissists to stop them from gaining independence and moving away from their parent(s). It is done exclusively to control the child and make them dependent on their parents and therefore an excellent and constant source of narcissistic supply. It is important to remember that children are hostages to their parents and they are forced to comply because narcissistic parents can get very aggressive and angry with their children if they feel like they are losing control. To the child, disobedience can feel life threatening.
It can come in the form of:
- Telling their children who they may and may not be friends with
- Faking fear for the safety of the child if they want to go off and do something on their own.
- Cossetting the child and “helping” them do things that they a capable of doing themselves
- Disallowing activities over which the parent(s) have no control, such as sporting activities or hobbies
- Demanding absolute obedience from their children
They can do this in a number of ways.
- They will interfere in all of their relationships, from friendships, boyfriends/girlfriends inter family relationships, teachers etc. They will tell them who they may or may not bring home, they will sneer at their friends that they don’t approve of and call in the flying monkeys in the family to support them. They can do this by creating false rumours or telling lies about what the child said or did to divide/split relationships.
- They will interfere in the child’s career/study choices if they perceive it to be a higher achievement than they attained (they do not like to be out-shined by their children) or if they think that having a child that is a doctor is far better for their self-image than a cabinet maker or a musician.
- Decisions that are made without their consent will be viciously attacked so that they force their way into the child’s decision making process and anything that is done will have to be run by them. They will also try to make the child believe, through constant negative feedback that they are incapable of making good decisions for and about themselves without their input.
- They will criticise everything that is done to deliberately to rob self-esteem, confidence and independence in their child, in other words keep them orbiting around their narcissistic parents and prioritizing their needs over their own.
- Ignoring or punishing every request the child makes to do something for themselves
- Refusing to buy age appropriate clothes
- Deny pocket money so that they control everything that the child possesses and can do without their permission
It is very important for to realise that an infantilised child has to set boundaries with their parents if they want to be a mature adult. Narcissistic parents will combat this at every level, but even a narcissist will have to step down if you do this in a firm but non aggressive way.
The first step is not to share everything that is happening in your life with them. The less they know, the less involved and critical they can be. Narcissists criticise for the sole purpose of controlling their children. They will say literally anything no matter how wild or stupid so long as it is in opposition to what you want/think/did/said.
There are a few phrases that you can use such as:
- If your parent offers to pay for a holiday because s/he wants to later invite themselves a long, you can say “no thanks it is fine, I have already paid for it”
- If they disagree with an opinion or value, you can say “that is an interesting point of view, but I do not see it that way”
- If they criticise your clothes or hair and tell you that you look ridiculous, you can say “I think it/they are fun and I don’t mind looking ridiculous”, they might reply “well I mind, you are an embarrassment to me” you can reply “perhaps, but you are not me” – they cannot argue with that, even though they might disagree. The point is that when they tell you what to do or try to get over involved, bring the conversation and calmly as possible to bring it back to you. Take the power out of their comments.
The minute that you have stood up to them either change the subject or walk away. If they try to draw you back in (which they probably will do) just tell them “I am not discussing that with you any more”, “You have already stated your opinion”, “you have told me what you think”.
Don’t:
- Justify your decisions
- Look for reason or rational thinking
- Harbour any of their negative criticism. It is not about you or what you do/think. It is about their wild desire to control you.
- Feel like you have to comfort them if they get upset or angry
- Try to justify yourself to any of their flying monkeys