Category: Behaviours

Passive aggressive behaviour

Passive aggressive behaviour is frequently misunderstood.  What it is, is indirect anger.  The person is unable to acknowledge to themselves that they are angry, so they push it away.  However, when a strong sentiment like anger is ignored/denied it has a way of surfacing as another behaviour.

If anger is seen in your family of origin as a “bad” thing or if a parent/sibling expresses inappropriate rage, we might try to stifle our feelings of anger at any cost due to the messages that we have been given as children.  The fear that if you express your valid feelings of anger that they will hurt someone else’s feelings or you will be punished for letting is show.

Passive aggression a covert way of “getting back at someone” without expressing or even in many cases recognising the anger they feel. It can be more damaging in relationships than genuine anger because it is always deniable and masked as something else which makes it very confusing and dysfunctional.

A narcissist could be “getting back at you” for something as mundane as asking for help to do some house work.  They will keep putting it off and if you push the request harder they will deliberately do the job badly so that you don’t ask them to help again.  Narcissists see people as objects to serve their needs, they don’t have to help or do mundane or unrewarded tasks.

Narcissists know that most people like to avoid confrontation, in fact they depend on it so they will go into a rage when asked to do something that they do not want to do.  With a rational person you can calmly discuss their passive aggressive behaviour in a meaningful and constructive way.  This is not the case with narcissists as they will see this approach as a criticism of them and will go into a rage to shut the conversation down and will then punish you at a later date for even suggesting that they might have “room for improvement”.

The best way to manage passive aggressive behaviour is to see it for what it is:

  • State in a neutral manner that you thought that that person might have done a job badly deliberately so that you don’t ask them to do it (or any other thing that they don’t like) again
  • Don’t get involved in an argument, it will be met with total denial
  • Don’t question their denial as they will only stick to their story with more determination
  • Repeat in a neutral manner what you think, if the same passive aggressive behaviour surfaces again

The narcissist may or may not change their behaviour, one thing that narcissists enjoy is the feeling that they are fooling someone, so they will not get such a “thrill” out of their passive aggressive behaviour if you can let them know that you can see it for exactly what it is, so they will not have “won” that point.

It is worth noting that if a narcissist cannot be passively aggressive with someone such as a boss or a figure of authority they will redirect that anger at someone else.

One other thing that will cause passive aggressive behaviour is to assume that a narcissist will pull their weight and behave like a team player.  They will see that as you trying to take them for granted and will be offended that you did not recognise their “superior status” and will want to punish you for that in some way.

 

Secrets

Narcissists are pathologically secretive, they will pass on information on a need to know basis only and will very often deliberately misinform and dodge direct personal questions.

Since they do not have a conscience they are quite happy to lie and prevaricate to keep their secrets.  They compartmentalise their lives so that they can keep family, friends, colleagues apart, thus preventing them from “comparing notes”.  The narcissist sees keeping secrets from friends and family as part of the game and it makes them feel in control because they think that they know a lot more about you than you do about them.

These secrets can range from having multiple affairs, “illegitimate” children, secret bank accounts or just telling someone that they are doing  one thing when they are doing something completely different.

Narcissists do not like to share, they can give, but they consider giving a “purchase”.  Sharing is too intimate whether is be information, money or responsibility.  They will be focused on getting as much out of other people as they can.  They can do this by lying, cheating or robbing.  Frequently charities are targeted by narcissists as it is the perfect “cover” for taking money from other people.  A divorce situation is another scenario where funds just disappear through dishonest means.  At the same time that they are cheating and lying they will project their nefarious activities on to others and maintain that they are the ones being duped.

Since narcissistic personalities are delusional and they manufacture their own little world and how they want it to be, they cannot afford to be open and honest because they have a fear of being exposed to other people’s reality and then their world would feel like it was under attack, which in turn leads to narcissistic rage.

  • They will tell you that they “love” you even though they know that they don’t.
  • Say that they will do things, when they know that they have no intention of doing it.
  • Will get people to do jobs for them when they know that they have no intention of paying for them or that they could easily do for themselves
  • They will spin a web of endless little lies just to lead you astray to protect their real secret internal turmoil.
  • They will constantly contradict and counter contradict so that you do not know what to believe.
  • If you pull them up on some inconsistency in their story, they will flatly deny it or tell you that you misunderstood what they said.
  • They will often invent a personal history (before you met them) that is completely false, this could be about academic achievements, successful businesses (that some how went bust, usually due to a dishonest partner) or wonderful relationships (that some how ended).
  • They will try to keep their past and present lives separate, or at least minimal contact and will prime you about the people you are going to encounter before any direct contact has taken place.
  • Their electronic devices will be heavily protected with passwords and PINs but they will expect to be given those of their partner and friends and get very annoyed if they are refused access.
  • They physically lock things like doors, desk draws or car doors when there is no immediate threat to their privacy.
  • They usually have more than one hiding place for bank statements, love letters or receipts for activities they have been up to
  • They can lie about their position at work or even where they work
  • They can deny knowing someone or claim to know someone well when they have never met
  • They will assume intimate knowledge of someone that they might have only met once
  • They never let the truth get in the way of a good story
  • They will lie about having been places

NOTE:  Narcissists will share other people’s secrets with absolute reckless abandon, not stopping for a second to wonder if they would upset/embarrass the other person or not.  It is a very good idea to play your cards very close to your chest when dealing with a narcissist.

 

Respect for narcissists

 

We have all been told on a regular basis that we should respect everyone.  The things that these great purveyors of broad over generalised statements forgot to add are:

  • If someone behaves badly towards you, showing “respect” for that person only encourages them and gives them permission to do it again. In fact it is very unwise.
  • If you are dealing with a narcissist respect can only come in the form of not doing them harm. It is imperative that you protect yourself from them.  So, if you are insulted or verbally attacked by a narcissist, you do not need to get all introspective and wonder if “they have a point”.  A narcissist can say anything and may very well say two polar opposites with in a very short space of time.  Showing respect for yourself, and to what you know, means that you do not need to follow up all of the crazy notions of the narcissist.  Hold on to what you know about yourself and your own experiences, you do not need to listen to them, nor do you need to defend your position or attack them back.  That is as far as respect can go with a narcissist, otherwise they will hurt you.
  • When you are communicating with a narcissist their words, body language, tone and facial expressions may well all contradict each other. Some people have “bad” body language (inconsistent with what they are saying), so it is easier to follow what they say rather than to try to interpret confused physical signals.  This is not a good idea with narcissists.  There is absolutely no stability in what a narcissist says, and as such, should not be taken seriously.
  • Respect is earned when people take responsibility and are accountable for what they say and do, narcissists do not. The highest and safest form of respect that you can offer them is to resist the temptation to harm them back.  If a toddler was rude to you, you would not try to punish him/her, and so it is with narcissists.  It is confusing because they are in an adult body, but that is where they are emotionally and developmentally.
  • A narcissist will defend their rudeness and abuse by saying that “YOU earn respect you cannot demand it”, it is just their pathetic excuse for defending their abhorrent behaviour.

Narcissists Friendship & Loyalty

Did you ever question whether or not a “friend” was actually a friend or did you have a niggling feeling that they were stabbing you behind your back, only called when they wanted something?  That they act in a friendly way to you but this only a means to an end.  They will flirt, charm and be completely engaged at the beginning and seem like they have to potential to be a great friend.  Once they have harvested the information that they want about you/from you they will disengage if they do not deem you to be useful to them anymore.

Narcissists do not make good friends because they are only showing up for what they can get out of the “relationship”.  They have absolutely no sense of loyalty and will drop the friendship in an instant if someone “better” turns up.  In other words, someone/ or something that they perceive can give them more.   Make them look “better”, offer them social standing/network, be better dressed/looking or indeed make them look virtuous in some way such as church or charities.

At the beginning they can seem absolutely charming, have many shared interests and values and look like a potentially good friend.  However, this is all completely insincere and done to “groom” you, make you like them.  If you are not famous, rich or powerful they will lose interest over time and will expect you to come and visit them, do all of the running in the relationship and make all of the effort.  They will be indifferent about anything going on in your life, interrupt you if you talk about anything that interests you and expect you to listen endlessly to them and be tolerant of their latest obsession.  They are not looking for a friendship like most of us see them, they are looking for your attention and any resources that they might be able to extract from you, by lies and deceit if they think that it would serve them better.

Loyalty doesn’t exist for them as they do not see other people as anything other than objects to be manipulated and mined for resources.  They can easily say vicious things about you behind your back.  However, narcissists do understand the concept of loyalty as they will expect is from you.

If you suspect that your “friend” is a narcissist ask yourself:

  • Do I feel better for having spent time in their presence?
  • What is my energy level like after being with them?
  • Did I just drive for an hour to see them and all they did was talk about themselves?
  • Did they ask about me?
  • If they did, did they wait for you to answer or get bored with what you were saying very quickly?
  • Narcissists see their friends as accessories to prop up their image, are you welcome to some events and not invited to others because you don’t have the right clothes or contacts?
  • Narcissists feel superior to other people and to maintain this feeling of superiority will devalue others (including you).
  • They will not be able to enjoy/sincerely celebrate any of your achievements and if someone else congratulates you, they will behave like you have stolen something from them.
  • Narcissists are cold and manipulative, even if they hide behind a mask. You will feel that you have been walked up a blind alley a lot of the time.  They are incapable of genuine warmth or even considering your needs.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.”

― Cornel West, Breaking Bread: Insurgent Black Intellectual Life

Narcissists and the outside world

Narcissists do not really relate to the outside world.  They look for supply from the outside but filter all data that comes their way to fit in with their own model of how the world is.  In this way they are introverted.  The narcissist only presents their public image to the outside world and never their authentic self.  The only people who will see the true character of the narcissist are family members, partners and work colleagues.  This true character will flash on and off like a light depending on what they narcissist wants from the other person and how well they are serving them.

Due to the lack of access to their inner landscape a narcissist will be very quick to jump to conclusions about other people and situations with little or no information.   All data they receive is filtered by how they want it to be.  This can give them an “excuse” to feel wounded, neglected, self-righteous, entitled but most importantly superior.  However, this like all things with a narcissist is like quick sand and can change at any given moment.  Their judgemental nature is very strongly ingrained and they will frequently project their own negative attributes onto an innocent bystander.

The narcissist is never really sure of what is going on around them, they have a “feeling” that they are missing out on something but they are not sure what it is, they look at the way that other people relate to each other and it confuses them and can make them feel paranoid, as though other people are using a secret language that they don’t understand.  It is not a secret language, it is just one that they do not understand and it is composed of empathy, compassion, emotion and love.   They assume that everyone thinks like they do and will project negative intentions on to others where there are none.  If you are kind and generous to a narcissist for no apparent reason, they will get suspicious and think that you are trying to manipulate them or have slighted them in some way behind their back.  This is because behind all of their guff they have very low self-esteem and they tell people who they are rather than just being in the presence of others.  Their radar is constantly on high alert to make sure that they are projecting what they consider to be a “good” public image.  Their true and authentic self has been shut down since they were infants and they will be disconnected from themselves and others.  It is only when they feel under attack that their authentic infant self comes out.

A narcissist will decide what someone is and will try to force or coerce them into the role they have designated to them.  This can be all sorts of roles and is usually projection.  They can say to someone’s face “you are always criticising me”, you know that you are not always criticising them, it is the other way around, when you point this out they will say “see there you go again”.  If they want to “give” you a public image they will say something really nasty and hurtful to you in private and then say something to someone else like “s/he is always so angry, I don’t know what their problem is” when you bristle around them in the presence of others, of course this is the set up they were looking for and they will consider it a “win”.  If they see people laughing and joking together they will assume that they are being laughed at, even though they have not been privy to the conversation.  If they see people being affectionate towards one another they will assume that they are doing it to make the narcissist feel excluded.  If they see people having fun, they will assume that they are doing it to annoy them.  They assume that everything that they see or experienced has happened with them in mind.  This can include the weather, traffic jams, bad service in a restaurant and other peoples inter personal relationships.