Category: Behaviours

Gratitude

 

When we genuinely say “Thank you” to someone for something what we are really saying is “I do not feel entitled to receive what you have given or have done for me, I see and sincerely appreciate the effort you made”.  Narcissists on the other hand say thank you merely as a social formality (if at all) because they feel entitled to get what was given without being appreciative or having to give anything in return (if only a “thank you”).  This sense of entitlement means that the narcissist takes what they want without bothering to see another person’s needs, their attention is exclusively focused on what they want and they usually want it now!

To say thank you we need step out of ourselves and embrace the generosity, kindness and existence of someone else.  It is a mutual exchange, they did something kind or generous for us because they saw that we needed, wanted or would appreciate something and we acknowledge the fact that they saw what we needed, wanted or would like something and appreciate it, which means that we can see them too.  If we cannot say thank you with any authenticity, it means that we cannot see the other person for who they are and what they have done for us.

Gratitude comes in many forms, it could be for something big like a present or a job promotion or it could be something as small as smiling and waving thanks to someone who stopped their car to let you into the traffic.  These expressions of gratitude create a sense of connectedness.  Narcissists are eternally ungrateful for all acts of kindness and generosity which creates a sense of disconnectedness, loneliness and isolation.  Insincere gratitude is as obvious as a false smile, their eyes don’t light up, there is no indication of their gratitude in their tone of voice and their body language is all wrong.

Gratitude is also very different from approval, narcissists will often substitute thank you for “I approve that you wanted to give me a present, execute an act of kindness for me”, which is completely in line with the narcissists sense of superiority to all those around them.  They feel entitled to whatever you gave or did for them and the only reason that they acknowledge the act at all serves only to encourage you to do something nice for them again (“keep it coming”).

Some narcissists think that if they say thank you and acknowledge that you did something nice for them, that they will be indebted to you.  The narcissist doesn’t feel that they owe anybody anything, so rather than say “thank you” they just ignore what you have done because they do not want to risk you thinking that you are equals or have entered into a give and take/sharing situation.

As always with narcissists there is a twist, they may well reject an act of kindness or a present with a hostile comment.  This is to let you know that they are not only ungrateful for your effort but you have also insulted them by implying that they couldn’t buy the present/do something for themselves.  The message they are giving is “I don’t need you, I am superior to you and I am not going to lower myself to your level by saying thank you and treating you like an equal”.

They might actively punish you if you buy them something/do something for them that they don’t like, such as a present they don’t like or throw them a surprise party.  Like a toddler they will be angry with you for getting it wrong and will make no attempt to hide it ruining the occasion for everyone.  They will not think that your intentions were good and that you thought that you were making a nice gesture.  On the contrary, they will think that you did it on purpose to insult or belittle them in some way.

Similarly, they might ask you to come and pick them up from somewhere because they don’t have transport.  It could be an hour’s drive each way for you each way, but they will be openly angry with you for being five minutes late.

The moral is do not ever expect gratitude from a narcissist unless it is a means to an end and even then it will be totally insincere

 

 

Food and drink

 

Many narcissists have bizarre behaviours around food, this manifests in a number of ways.  They can:

  • Serve themselves more than everyone else at a shared meal.
  • Track the size of everyone else’s portions if they are not doing the serving themselves.
  • Grab a tasty morsel of someone else’s plate if they feel like it, especially if the person is saving the best till last, they will swoop down at the last moment and say “Oh I thought you didn’t like it and were leaving it” if challenged, most people are too surprised to challenge them or say “I was doing you a favour, you are getting too fat, you should be grateful to me”
  • Outside of meal time they can hoard or hide food
  • They will expect visitors and their children to ask “permission” from them to have a glass of water, make a cup of tea or take a second biscuit. While they will help themselves liberally to anything they want.
  • They will often hog a bottle of wine by their side to ensure that they get the lion’s share and that anyone else who wants some has to ask them to pass it on, they consider this “permission” even if it is not in their own house
  • Stuff food quickly into their mouth so that no one else can see how much they have eaten (will sometimes use their hands so that they can shovel food into their mouth faster)
  • They can go to the fridge in someone else’s house and help themselves to any delicacy they might find without asking and will often take it home with them “for later”
  • They can use providing food as a means of purchase of supply and will be deeply offended if a guest doesn’t profusely compliment every dish provided (they have little or no time for guests with special dietary needs)
  • When buying food for their family, if the narcissist doesn’t like a specific food type it doesn’t get bought “We don’t like …”.
  • A narcissistic parent can cook the favourite dishes of their golden child and completely ignore the likes of the others
  • Insist that they have specific dietary needs (even when it is not true) such as being a vegan or celiac when invited out to make sure that more effort is made of them than other guests but can happily eat meat or grains when no one is around to see them
  • They can withhold food such as packed lunches or an evening meal if they want to express displeasure about the behaviour of a family member

The reason for these types of behaviour is because food is an excellent tool for control.  Food like “love”, money and attention is an essential resource and that is exactly why the narcissist wants to dominate who gets what.  It is also a good means of letting people know who is in favour and who is not by the size of portions or the effort put in to creating a meal.

In every culture people eat to celebrate “togetherness”, whether that is a family, a society, a club or a group of friends, it is what people do to nurture the bonding of the group and the more effort/celebration that is put into creating a meal the stronger the bond grows.  It is why people get very offended if they are not invited to participate in celebratory meals.  Instinctively we know it means “you are not considered an important person in our group”, which is why so many narcissists are determined to control who gets what food, it means that they can dominate the pecking order. The leader of any pack, pride or herd in the wild will always get to eat first and the others will have to vie for their position in the ranking order.  Bliss for any narcissist because it will feel like everyone else is fighting amongst themselves to get closer to him/her.

Narcissists do not like to share because it implies that they are on a par with everyone else and they firmly believe that they are superior.  So any food that you receive from a narcissist is, in their minds, a purchase.  Feeding their children is a purchase of ownership and feeding non family members is a purchase of attention or admiration.   If they are not purchasing with food they would prefer that it went rotten and threw it away instead of give it away.

They are infantile about food like they are about everything else and will frequently hurriedly shove food into their mouths at a buffet, or actually rage or complain if they see someone has been given more than they have.  This childish display is to ensure that they get preferential treatment the next time and this in their mind is a “win” and a display to them that they are indeed at the top of the pecking order.

Manipulation

 

 

Narcissists use constant manipulation to devalue their victims to the extent that a victim will feel worthless extremely anxious and sometimes suicidal.  The “point” of this manipulation is twofold, to push their victim down so low that they (the narcissist) feels better about themselves, and someone who has been chronically abused will have a damaged spirit and will be much easier to control.  They use threats to cultivate fear, anxiety and despair in their victims and their victims can be anyone who they feel that they can get away with bullying.  This can include their own children, family members, co-workers and friends, they usually do it where they have the “upper hand” such as a parent, an elder sibling a boss or someone like a church leader or person in position of authority.

Manipulation is very hard to understand because they will always imply that you have done something to deserve them being cruel to you but they won’t tell you what it is, that is because there is no reason, they just categorically refuse to take responsibility for their own nasty behaviour.  Their behaviour bares the same scars as physical abuse, except that they are invisible and resonate within a victim’s body in the same way except that in general this type of abuse is not recognised in the same way, not even by many mental health care workers.

A narcissist will manipulate in many different ways but the main ones are:

  • Unpredictable reactions, they keep changing their reaction to the same stimuli. One day something is no problem, the next day (or hour) they will react in a completely different way such as rage, sulking or the silent treatment leaving their victim constantly on edge, trying to second guess the narcissists reactions all of the time and can never relax
  • Unreasonable demands on their victim such as attention, sex or money. No matter how much is done for the narcissist they will always let the victim know that it is not enough and they need to try harder.   They start will constant trivial demands to “train” their victim to obey them.
  • Creating arguments amongst friends or family members, being rude to people to watch and feed off their emotional reaction.
  • Violating boundaries by telling the victim who and what they are. They do this in an inoffensive way to begin with but eventually they will name call, demean and tell they victim that they know what they are thinking, their motivation behind certain actions, or how they would behave in any given situation.  This they feel entitled to do without asking any questions of their victim about how they feel or what they want.  Narcissists are only in a relationship for what they can get out of it, they are not interested in the other person per se.
  • They speak in very vague and general terms to avoid responsibility but will want to have precise details of what their victim did, said or who they saw at all times. They may well check their victims phone or phone the person the victim said they were with, just to make sure.
  • The narcissist will not tell much about themselves, will know little on the details of their family life or be able to express any genuine feelings. They are pathologically secretive, they live in terror that someone will see them for what they really are, they are closed minded “it is my way or the high way”, they bristle with self-righteous indignation at all times.  Yet they will ask outrageously personal questions of others even when they have only recently met

Narcissistic abusers can attack at any time using sarcasm, name calling, sneering and blame shifting whenever they perceive a threat or are just simply bored and want a bit of “action”.

Jealousy and Envy

How narcissists redirect anger 

Narcissists are masters in the art of redirecting anger from themselves on to others.  They are especially proficient at this when dealing with their own children.  All children of narcissists are angry with their narcissistic parents because they were brought into this world with parents who absolutely were not prepared to do the job they signed up for and got angry and defensive with their children for making demands on them or pointing out their short comings.

A child knows instinctively that a parent is supposed to support and protect them, listen to their woes, ease their pain and above all make them feel safe and loved.  Our culture reinforces this all of the time.  Narcissistic parents don’t do this.  What they do is they make their children feel as insecure as possible so that they can control them through fear.  Fear of abandonment and fear of their visceral rages.

The narcissist parent knows that their children are angry with them and will select someone else to take the brunt of this rage.  If there if more than one child the parent will select one of their children to be the dumping ground for the collective pain and anger within the family system (aka the Scapegoat).  This is done by modelling to the other children that it is okay to bully their sibling by actively going on a relentless smear campaign against that child and by punishing their other children if they offer any support to that child.  This can be done verbally,  or simply by giving an irritated twitch or glance or by punishment (children of narcissistic parents are very reactive, they live in a state of danger management and are always on high alert for potential punitive measures.

The narcissist parent(s) will take everything away from that child that they can.  They will attack their self-esteem and confidence and they will isolate that child so that they have absolutely no support network within or outside the family that might validate that they are being treated unfairly and cruelly.  The treatment of the scapegoat child will be peppered with acts of “kindness” (always done publically) to keep that child in a state of confusion to the point that they do not trust themselves and to make sure that no one would believe the child if they told someone of their parent(s) behaviour.

These so called acts of kindness serve to make the other siblings angry with the scapegoat child because the parent is behaving out of character and that might mean that the parent could swap roles for one of the other siblings.  The parent(s) will sit back and enjoy the show as the other siblings attack the scapegoat (and or each other) and suspicion is fostered between them.

Amongst adults the narcissist will redirect anger by creating false rumours or attributing cruel things that they said to other people, through triangulation , they will lie about other people and sometimes in a group of friends will try to create animosity within a group so that they can control the dynamic and be the centre of attention.  If you get angry with a narcissist for something they did, they will either launch a counter “attack” by saying “well you…”, flatly deny that they took the action or blame someone else.  If they cannot get away with any of those ploys, they will become unreasonably upset about the criticism so that the other person feels obliged to at least back down.

Narcissists will often have a person in their lives who they treat like an idiot and who they can “blame” if anything goes against them.  This person will be ridiculed behind their back and the narcissist will openly say abusive things to this person.  Very often, because the things the narcissist says are so outrageous that the side kick thinks that they are joking.  They may be said in a light tone, but they are not joking.  The narcissist takes the avoidance of all responsibility and culpability very seriously.

 

It is common for example in detective programs for the “leader” of a team to have a side kick, for example detectives like Hercule Poirot and Hastings or Sherlock Holmes and Watson, they treat their side-kicks with total disregard, treat them like idiots, completely disregard common civil niceties, they bark orders, have no consideration for the fact that their side-kick might have a private/social life and get angry with them when the “leader” gets it wrong or misses something in their investigation.  It is a common pattern and it turns up again and again.

Common expressions are

  • “Why didn’t you …”
  • “You s/he should have..”
  • “why didn’t you tell me” (when the have said “not now” before hand)
  • “You said…” even when you didn’t

The other thing they do is to attribute something nasty that they said to someone else to try to split and create disharmony between people.

Jealousy refers to resentment against a rival/ another person enjoying success, advantage/privilege or their relationships with other people.

Envy refers to a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions and relationships

Narcissists take jealousy and envy to an extreme level, resulting in pathological jealousy and pathological envy. “Normal” jealousy looks like:

  • A jealous individual may resent that a colleague at work got promoted and they did not, or feel uncomfortable with their perceived relationships of others.
  • An envious individual may feel resentful because their partner feels good about themselves, has great friends or a satisfying job.

When these emotional states become pathological, delusion an incoherent behaviour emerges.

Pathological Jealousy

Pathological jealousy is where a narcissist thinks that s/he has exclusive ownership of another person.  Like when a toddler realises that he has to share his parents with a second child or his aunts and uncles with his cousins.  It is at this stage of emotional development that the narcissist gets “stuck”.  S/he does not understand the concept that people have different relationships with different people, or that if a person has a relationship with another, it does not automatically diminish the quality of one that the narcissist has with that person.

Pathological jealousy can lead to abuse, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  Pathological jealousy is not rational so a narcissist who show signs of this level of jealousy is beyond any rational reassurance or mollification.

Signs of Pathological Jealousy

  • Checking up on you all of the time through constant questioning and cross questioning about what you have been doing or who you have been talking to.
  • Going through your things, phones, email, post, bags and pockets of clothing.
  • Accusations of spending more time with friends, family, hobbies than you do with them.
  • Constantly on the alert for possible flirtations/affairs with others.
  • Putting down anyone who you may admire or have a good relationship with.
  • Always wanting to know what you did on trips away from them in minute detail and will get angry if they think that you are holding something back.
  • Trying to isolate you so that you only socialise together.
  • Might stalk you if they suspect that you are “up to something”, or just to see where you go after work
  • Incomprehensible verbal and emotional abuse.
  • Not letting the facts testify against their jealousy.
  • Blaming you for their jealousy
  • Denial that their jealous behaviour is inappropriate
  • Denial that they are jealous at all, they will sneer and say “who would be jealous of you?” after they call you at 4 AM “to see how you are”
  • Get angry if you won’t tell them your passwords/PINs

Pathological Envy

Pathological envy appears in a narcissist when they feel that they are lacking something in comparison to someone else.  This inevitably causes problems for the narcissist because it “shows them up” for not being the best at absolutely everything.  Not that they would admit to that, but it does cause a reaction.  The reaction (albeit a distorted one) will be as a consequence of the narcissist feeling an assault on his/her grandiosity or an attack on their sense of entitlement to have everything that they want.  Frequently the narcissist will attack a person who they feel “makes them look less than”.  The target of this attack will have no idea where this venom is coming from because they will have done nothing to provoke such a reaction, (other than be themselves) and will be left in a state of confusion and bewilderment.  The attack in reality comes from the narcissist’s low self-esteem, self-worth and insecurity but it is hard for most people to make the connection.  If someone is complimented in the presence of a narcissist, the narcissist can interpret the compliment paid to someone else as an indication that the person who paid the compliment sees them as “less than” and the person who was complimented as a thief, deliberately stealing the limelight from them.  The narcissist will then endeavour to punish both.

  Signs of Pathological Envy

  • Discredits other people
  • Gets uncomfortable when another person is given praise or attention.
  • Will walk away if they cannot swing attention on to themselves
  • Sneers at the ideas, interests, talents and relationships of others.
  • Get upset if a person is happy and enthusiastic about something
  • Depressed if a person who they are comparing themselves to is successful
  • Offering unsolicited advice which is usually counter intuitive.
  • Get annoyed when they are not consulted
  • Devalue reputations
  • Devalue the interests of others
  • Undermine the work of others
  • Undermine friendships
  • Destroys the celebrations/achievements of others

For a narcissist to admit to any of the above would be to acknowledge a weakness which they would never do.  However, they will go on the offensive if they feel threatened and that attack can be vicious and cruel but it is not about the person they are attacking, it is all about them protecting their precious ego.  It can feel very personal, but it is not – as always it is just all about them.

 

Lying

Narcissists are pathological liars.  It is their default position, even when the truth would serve them better.  They have no principles or values.  They only want to be seen as doing good, but don’t actually want to be kind or good to others.  Since they do not want to work too hard at this false illusion lying acts as a very effective short cut.  So long as people believe them and their attitude is that if they keep repeating the same lie to the same person, they will eventually believe them.  Most of the things that they lie about are things that others would not have even thought was worthy of lie, but to a narcissist, perception is everything and so they spin a tangled web of lies to create an image.  A narcissist does not take any responsibility for their actions so it doesn’t really matter what they say.  In fact, a narcissist will see it as point scoring (and a win) if s/he can get you to believe their lies (any lie), while they are creating their false persona.

They do it effortlessly and absolutely without shame or remorse.  The narrative is usually peppered with some truths, but this is just to make their story more credible.  What is the most confusing for non narcissists is they are left wondering why someone would behave like that, what is the point?  The point is that there is no point, the are just playing out a drama in their head, where they are the protagonist and everyone else is playing a supporting role.

The other problem is that a more honest person does not expect people to lie, especially those close to them and certainly not to that extent.  So it can take a long time to work out what dynamic is in action.  It creates confusion in the other person as they will be questioning their own ability to fully understand what is being communicated to them rather than question the motives of the narcissist.

Once you do work it out and point out a lie to a narcissist, you can either expect absolute denial (said with such conviction that it is easy to think that you made a mistake) or you will meet with rage “what you are calling me a liar?”  i.e. I am allowed to lie to you but you are not allowed to notice or call me out on it.

Things that narcissists will lie about:

  • Their academic and career achievements.
  • Awards and medals that they might have one in sporting events or other activities
  • Previous “romantic” relationships
  • The amount of money they have
  • Deep involvement in some sort of spiritual “organisation”
  • Sexual exploits
  • Stories where s/he his hero or victim
  • A complete exaggeration of skills set. I speak fluent French = I can ask for a glass of water in French.  I am psychic = I know how to manipulate people, I am a fantastic businessperson = I have never started a business of my own.
  • Your personality traits
  • The intimacy of the relationships they have with others
  • Glowing compliments that other people paid them
  • Negative things that other people said about you
  • Where they were and what they were doing

The list is endless and the extent to which they lie is difficult to comprehend because most of their lies are pointless.

 

 

Non Love

It is amazing that we have so many words for different types of rain such as pouring down, bucketing, deluge, lashing, shower, drizzle, spitting,  soft rain etc.  Yet we only have one word for love, there is no spectrum or a love scale and love is a very simple word for a very complex weave of emotions in most cases but not with narcissists.

Narcissists by definition, cannot love other people but that does not stop them from using the word liberally and inappropriately, it is used as a hook rather than from any genuine sentiment, to make you feel obliged to take care of their feelings simply because they said “I love you”, not because they have behaved in a loving or intimate way.  Everyone wants to be loved, so it can seem flattering when someone endlessly tells you they love you,  but it is a trap that they use to ensnare you into not rejecting them and treading softly around them.  If there were a love spectrum, narcissists would register on a below zero value because they do not respect other human beings and are so cut off from their own feelings that they do not recognise or feel empathy for them when they see them in others, in general they find emotionality in others annoying and they may well get angry or rage at someone for showing emotion and try to “correct” their behaviour by telling that person “why you shouldn’t feel that way” they also do not consider it inappropriate to tell people “how they are allowed to feel”.

If you come from a narcissist family of origin you will probably be asked by your narcissist parent if you love them on a regular basis, very few children would dare to say they do not for fear of the punitive consequences.  They will also use the love word as a leverage “if you really loved me you wouldn’t do/not do that” or “if you really loved me you wouldn’t ask me to do that”.

Often the literature on narcissism refers to their “love”, but love doesn’t hurt or enjoy seeing someone in pain, afraid or in difficulty.  Love doesn’t try to destroy the reputation of others, tell lies, cheat and steal.  Love doesn’t make someone feel constantly anxious and unsafe and have them retreat further and further inside themselves so that the grandiosity of the narcissist can sparkle.

What a narcissist feels towards the feels about others is the opposite to love, it is indifference.  Most  people think that the opposite to love is hate, this is not so because if you hate someone you are very invested in that person (albeit negatively), a narcissist couldn’t care less about the other person as an individual and are only and exclusively interested in what that person can do for them.

If a narcissistic parent tells their opposite sex golden child that they love them what they really mean is that they want the child who they have put on a pedestal to admire them back.  To get the admiration of this favourite child they will flirt and enter into a bizarre psychosexual “dance”, for example they might let their 18 year old sit on their knee and or touch them inappropriately for their age such as kissing their teenager on the lips or patting their backside, a father may grope his pubescent daughters tits “to see how much they have grown”.  All of the above behaviour is said to be done out of love but it is only about control, dominance and their perpetual desire to seek attention.