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Coercive abuse

How to RecognizeCoercive Control

Coercive control is a form of ongoing bullying and terrorism used to instill fear/insecurity and to create confusion. The abuser will use tactics, such as limiting access to money or monitoring all communication, they will check your phone but stash their own phone where you cannot find it (it isn’t unusual for the narcissist to have two or three phones). They will frequently negate every opinion that you have, telling that you are “wrong” and will continue to “correct” you on things that are factual and you know them to be true. The way that they do this is by monitoring your activities. This can be done by popping by (because they happened to be in the area) when you are out with friends. They can phone you to see if the background noises are concurrent with the activity that you said you were going to attend they will want your social media passwords and demand to be able to see content (if you don’t have anything to hide why won’t you let me) but will not share theirs.

They will isolate you from you from your family and friends, they will do this by being so unpleasant around them that it becomes awkward for everyone except the narcissist – because they are working on a deliberate strategy to remove you from any support you might have and they definitely do not want their behaviour to be discussed. Coercive control happens very gradually and they are not highly controlling all of the time, so there is a push pull behaviour pattern and you never know who is going to turn up, which in itself creates tension because you can never relax.

Adult narcissists will try to control all the money coming into the household, they will use numerous ways to gain control: faux “I will take the arduous job of money management off your hands”, if they wat a joint bank account early on in the relationship, this is a warning sign, they have been known to completely empty a joint bank account for their own entertainment/purposes, without consultation and without any sense of guilt or remorse. They may insist on a receipt for absolutely everything you buy, ranging from cups of coffee to new items of clothing. This is an additional way to monitor your activities.

Narcissistic parents are very controlling with the money they give their children. For example, they will not give them pocket money so the child(ren) have to negotiate for everything with the parent, this gives the parent a feeling of power. They might refuse to bring their children to school or community sport events, the message is I tell you what you may and may not do. “If I don’t like it we are not doing it”. Some mothers will buy their children age inappropriate clothing to infantalise them and keep them in orbit around the parent. They may refuse to give them lunch money at school which isolates their children from their class mates.

They will gaslight, signs of which include:

They will look you straight in the eye and lie to you, even when they know you know that it is a barefaced lie.This is done to keep you guessing because all of their lie will have a modicum of truth in them and this creates confusion and instability. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly lies, once they have got away with a few small lies, they will raise the bar. They will lie even when the truth would serve them better.
They will recruit flying monkeys and set them against you, they will also lie about a fictional conversation they had with someone and they said you were crazy, depressed and addict etc.They will tell these lies about you pretending that they are worried about your well-being, when they are really stabbing you in the back.
They will deny that they said something, whether a promise or an insult. Denial is their go to place when they are called out on anything and you could be met with narcissistic rage. If their rage doesn’t shut you up they will start talking nonsense (word salad) and at that point you realise that the conversation is absolutely futile.
They will destroy thing that you value, that could be a physical thing “Oh I didn’t mean to it was an accident” or it could be your reputation, parental alienation or just stir stuff up by plotting friends and family against you.
They will constantly try to wear you down with insults, name calling, backhanded compliments, sneering at your family and friends. Their job will always be more important than yours, their family will be better than yours (even if they don’t talk to them) and you will only get invited to social occasion because of the narcissists amazing personality and charm.
The narcissist will tell you who they are and what people think of them, rather than just being. They narrative of who they tell you they are never comes near to the reality of their behaviour/capacities. They will promise the earth, moon and the stars and deliver on nothing, promises made of things to happen in the future never happen this is because they have no self-awareness and there is a massive disconnection between who they think they are, what their talents and skill are and their genuine strengths and weaknesses.
A narcissist is usually a street angel and a house devil, their behaviour in front of others will be completely different than it is behind closed doors. They are shape shifters, so their behaviour will change according to who is in front of them, they will do whatever they think will impress the person most. So, if it is being “sensitive” they will act sensitive, if it is being crude and vulgar they can become that too, they are great actors and know how to put on a show.
They project anything that they don’t like about themselves on to others. Narcissists are never wrong, if they get caught out in a lie or an act of deception they will turn it on its head and accuse you of the same, or they will bring up something that you did “wrong” months even years ago, so that you end up being defensive instead of dealing with the issue in hand. If you can stay on course with the argument, they will go into word salad mode (talking absolute nonsense) so that you realise that there is no point in continuing the argument. They narcissist will consider this as a “win” and will walk away feeling victorious where is you will end up feeling defeated and confused. You might even blame yourself in the beginning for not being clear enough, but be assured this is a strategy they use to wear you down.
They will employ flying monkeys (people who the seek out who will help them discredit you). They will say things like “You aren’t going to that party are you? John told me that you were only invited out of politeness, I wouldn’t go if I were you” This has a double effect of isolating you socially and making you feel less than. After a while you might realise that John definitely didn’t say anything of the sort and was disappointed not to see you at the party, however, at the time your reaction is to not go somewhere you are not welcome. After all who would say something so nasty? What could they possibly gain from it, but it is all part of the same strategy of trying to break you and make you feel unworthy, unwelcome and less than.
They will name call, but frequently dress it up as false concern for your well-being. They will say things like “you always over react to situations, I think you should see someone about that” (after they have been abusive to you). “I have some friends who know about your situation and they say that they can recommend a therapist for you”. This can mean that they have started a smear campaign against you or they can just be making it up exclusively to make you feel vulnerable and being talked about behind your back in a negative way.
To control you even more they might put CCTV inside and outside your house, put a tracking device on your car or put a touch sensitive pad beneath they keyboard of your computer so that they can see who and what you have written to other people/institutions, even if you think you have deleted all evidence of the communication. If you find any evidence of their surveillance they will tell you it is for security reason and they just want to make sure that you are safe. This is a gross violation of boundaries and privacy but they will defend it with ridiculous counter arguments like “it is only because I love you so much that I want to know that you are okay all of the time”.
They might try to alienate your children from you by telling a plethora of lies, trying to humiliate you in front of your children and then tell the children that you are useless/weak or get the children on their side by being excessively permissive either through money or by doing everything for the child. The narcissist has absolutely no problem with treating their children as pawns to hurt their partner and couldn’t care less about the long term effects that this can have on a child. Very often they will treat their child as their own personal therapist (aka dumping ground) and as such will rob their child of their childhood because they expect their child to take on adult responsibilities at an inappropriately young age.
The narcissist can often show high levels of jealousy. This is not “normal” jealousy as it can include your relationships with your family, friends, children and even pets. They will accuse you of preferring the others to them and will try to clip your wings. If they cannot isolate you they can sulk, give you the silent treatment or even threaten the more vulnerable in your family such as children and pets. They know no limits and do not care who they hurt to get control of you, wear you down and try to destroy you. It is important to note that a narcissist can push someone to their limit where they might commit suicide or they might physically harm them, at best by punching them or throwing things at them at worst they can kill their partner.
Sex is another area where narcissists like to control. Either by demanding sex irrespective of whether their partner wants it or not or withholding sex when the partner wants it. Sex is always superficial with a narcissist because they will always use their partner to make love to themselves. They only see their partner as a vehicle for their own gratification and will therefore objectify them and see love making as a performance. There is never any sense of communion when having sex with a narcissist.

Narcissistic parents

Traits of narcissistic parents

Completely self-absorbed
Emotionally unavailable
Extremely negative
Completely unable to celebrate the accomplishments of their children
Unable to celebrate birthdays, weddings and other occasions for their children (it has to be about them) and if they cannot grab the lime light they will proceed to sabotage the celebration.
Pathological liars
Extremely controlling (including the relationships of their off spring with siblings, family and friends)
Highly critical of other people (even when they don’t know them)
Know all’s (“I know everything that is worth knowing and if I don’t know it isn’t important”)
Pathologically secretive
Envious of their children and are constantly in competition
They are careless with their children’s feelings, emotions and possessions (other people’s emotions annoy them and they hate to see their children happy, to the extent that they will give away their pets, favourite toys and anything they love )
Are always right and if you don’t agree with them you are “wrong” and they will “correct” you
Exaggerate their own accomplishments and achievements
Do not listen to their children and will constantly push them away
Lack basic manners, are rude and sneering
Children can never do enough for their narcissistic parents and no matter how hard they try or how much they give their parent, that parent will never be grateful
Their sense of “humour” is sarcasm and sneering
They are manipulative and exploitative of the child in all ways
Cannot stand to see their children being happy or joyful
Will always sabotage it when their off spring are playing happily together. (They feel excluded and not the centre of attention)
Will hold their children back whenever they can (by not letting them learn to drive, refusing to let them participate in sports, school trips or other social activities)
Or they will push their children too much to make them look good (in their own eyes)
They have absolutely no boundaries and will do things like walk into the bathroom when the child is bathing, read diaries, volunteer the child’s time and express opinions on the child’s behalf (to name but a few)
They are stingy with money and time they are prepared to give their children (which makes getting attention from the parent(s) a competitive sort amongst their offspring
They will encourage rivalry and bullying amongst their offspring
They enjoy hurting their children and will get an evil smirk when they know that they have wounded their child
Pathologically lazy and will see their children as their own personal servants who are there to do their bidding
They will not allow the child to say “no”, if they child does say no they will just ignore them and force that child to do what they didn’t want to do
Will show favouritism at all times

Quotations

Quotes about narcissism

“Narcissism has more in common with self-hatred than with self-admiration.”

— Christopher Lasch, author

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . . .They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”

— T.S. Elliott, writer

“Withhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.”

— Mason Cooley, essayist

“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.”

— Elizabeth Bowen, writer

“Underneath the so-called narcissistic personality is definitely shame and the paralyzing fear of being ordinary.”

— Brené Brown, researcher

“There is simply no winning with a narcissist.He will treat you so horribly that you will become withdrawn and depressed and then he will turn around and say, ‘You’re no fun anymore, you’re always so depressed. I need to be with someone more positive.’”

— Susan Williams, writer

“Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders . . . but by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.”

— Jeffrey Kluger, writer

“When people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.”

— Albert J. Bernstein, psychologist

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.”

— Amanda Torroni, writer

“Narcissism is voluntary blindness,an agreement not to look beneath the surface.”

— Sam Keen, author

“Because narcissistic parents are experts at making everything look good, the child of the narcissist may not know anything was wrong. A common response in therapy is ‘I had a great childhood with caring parents. I should be happy.’”

— Heather Sheafer, writer

“If you want to go from being adored to devalued in the blink of an eye, simply insult the narcissist.”

— Tigress Luv, blogger

“Parents are supposed to give the child back to herself with love. If they’ve got duct tape over their eyes because of narcissism, it doesn’t happen.”

— Jane Fonda, actor

“When narcissists behave in an exhibitionistic manner, they are seeking the same sort of admiration as toddlers, and for the same reasons. They want attention. Some examples include inappropriate dress, talking too loudly, or gesturing in expansive and space-intruding ways.”

— Mark Ettensohn, therapist

“Over and over again, I have learned how damaging, how unrelenting, the aftermath is from these pathological, quietly undermining relationships.”

— Sandra Brown, therapist

“You might as well bang your head into a brick wallif you expect the narcissist to be reasonable, empathetic or human in any way. If you sense or witness any of these traits, there is an ulterior motive. When the narcissist is being nice, it’s because they have something to gain.”

— Tina Swithin, writer

“I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse.”

— M. Scott Peck, writer

“No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he has a major attachment dysfunction. The extreme narcissist is frozen in childhood.”

— Samuel Lopez de Victoria, therapist

“I have a very simple question to people . . . who seem to suffer from excessive narcissism: Please name three other persons who are smarter and more capable than you, in the field you work in. In most cases they are utterly unable to answer that question honestly.”

— Ingo Molnar, computer hacker

“Narcissus does not fall in love with his reflection because it is beautiful, but because it is his. If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free in a few years by its fading.”

— W.H. Auden, poet

“The best way to upset a narcissist is by ignoring him.”

— J.B. Snow, writer

“Narcissists install a mental filter in ourheadsa little bit at a time. . . . ‘Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?’ Until we can uninstall the narcissist-filter, our actions are controlled by narcissists to some degree.”

— Sam Vaknin, writer

“There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one.”

— Jeffrey Kluger, writer

“He was like the cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.”

— George Eliot, writer

Sons of narcissistic fathers

Narcissistic fathers are as toxic to their sons as narcissistic mothers are to their daughters. Since narcissistic parents have absolutely no idea about parenting and age appropriate behaviour, they will tell their very young sons “to stop crying and be a man”, call them names like “cry baby”, “Mummy’s boy” or even “don’t be such a little girl”. This causes the son to try to suppress his emotion and put a brave face on everything, even physical injury. Suppressed emotions will always have a way of coming to the surface albeit in a distorted, perverted and unrecognizable form.

Sons of narcissistic fathers are stripped of their self-confidence from a very early age. The narcissistic father (like the narcissistic mother) will constantly be in competition with his son, he will be condescending, arrogant, pompus and nothing his son does will ever be good enough. He will always flip any achievement by his son into something that was “thanks” to the father’s influence or he will dismiss it as irrelevant he will knock everything that his son does on the most pathetic level, it could be as benign as learning to tie shoe laces or riding a bike. He will always have learnt it earlier and done it better. He will be very sneering towards his son, for example his son will show him a painting he just did and the father will say “that isn’t very good is it, it doesn’t look like a horse to me. You know what a horse looks like why can’t you do better?”

A narcissistic father will compete relentlessly with his sons, even if he is teaching his son the rules of a game, he will not let his son win one point. It doesn’t matter what the game is, it could be chess or rugby, if it is rugby the narcissist father will not give a second thought to physically hurting his son to gain a point (even though he is twice the size of his son).

The narcissistic father will demandrespect from his children, even though he has no respect for anyone else. He will have a tendency to assume a very authoritarian approach to parenting (almost Victorian, children should be seen and not heard). The narcissistic father will use shame to control his son and will lash out with the most damning of comments without any concern for the hurt and pain he causes. Like all narcissists he is totally without remorse or empathy he can see his son writhe in pain or embarrassment and be totally unmoved, if it isn’t about him then it just doesn’t matter. The narcissist father knows that his son is his captive and he uses this advantage to its absolute maximum. He will treat him as his servant, there to do his bidding, he will bark orders and never show any gratitude or appreciation for that which was done for him. He can leave his son hanging around while he indulges in his favourite hobby without giving any thought about his well-being. If his son asks him for something he will shame him again for being a nuisance and his son will internalize a sense of guilt for being a burden.

Pompous, arrogant and over confident he will have opinions about all issues (even topics that he knows absolutely nothing about). He will deliver his opinions with such certainty that his son will find it very difficult to express himself let alone have a counter argument. The narcissist father does not have conversations with his son, he delivers lectures. He will criticise everyone (especially other men) and will consider them all to be stupid, even when he has never spoken to them.

If his son has a hobby or a sport, the father will tend to become over involved and micromanage the activity making his son almost irrelevant, the message being that his son will not be able to do it as well as he does. The actual ability of the father is irrelevant to the narcissist, he will automatically assume superiority.

When out walking the father will always walk in front of his son to show his superior status, never beside him. The father might also put his son in physical danger without giving it a second thought. These fathers are always emotionally aloof and will become irrationally irritated if any emotional demands are placed on them. They will be very emotionally abusive and will sneer and deride any signs of weakness in their son, even from as young as 2 years. The narcissist father will “forget” that his son is a child and will place adult expectations on him. This type of father will constantly play power games with his son to show his control, without thinking (or probably even aware) about the consequences. A narcissist father will always give his son age inappropriate tasks to perform. This will make the child feel helpless, frustrated, humiliated and he will resent his father for putting him in that situation. He might despise his father in childhood but will be unable to express himself. Later in life he could have outbursts of uncontrollable rage and direct them at someone else, when he is really feeling his own sense of shame. The feelings of resentment towards his father do not go away in adulthood because the narcissist father will continue to treat his son like a child when he is an adult and continue to bully and sneer at him.

It is very common for sons of narcissists to become narcissistic themselves. This is because their emotional development gets arrested when they are very young, because their needs are not met. A child will get his sense of self from their same sex parent, having a narcissistic father will inevitably create huge issues about being good-enough, worthy of love and acceptance. No matter how loving his mother is this son will spend his life trying to gain his father’s approval, which of course he will never get. Any sort of acknowledgement by the narcissistic father will be met with a disproportional amount of gratitude from his son and in turn will make him try harder to please him.

A narcissistic father will set his son up to fail. Nothing would threaten him more than if his son was more successful that he was. The attitudes and behaviour of a narcissistic father can leave his son with intimacy issues and they will feel it very difficult to build significant relationships with others (friendships as well as partners), they may also partner with someone who is abusive towards them because that is what their definition of “love” feels like: cold, hyper critical and emotionally unavailable.

Boundaries

How to create and maintain boundaries

Abuse is all about gaining control and power of a victim. It is important to remember that if you have been abused it is not your fault. The pathological need to control someone else is all about the abuser and not the victim.

There are several different types of abuse, most of us think of sexual or physical abuse but there is also emotional abuse (a form of abuse that is gaining more recognition) financial abuse and social abuse. Sexual abuse includes unwanted sexual advances or forced participation in a sexual activity. Physical abuse includes violence, intimidation, but it also includes neglect especially in the vulnerable such as withholding food or not taking proper care of a child or the elderly. Emotional abuse is when someone attacks the self-esteem and confidence of another. It can be verbal abuse such as name calling, shouting and nasty little comments but it can also come in the form of threats and intimidation. Financial abuse includes theft or controlling someone else’s money determining what they may or may not spend. Social abuse includes isolating someone from their family and friends so that the abuser has more control and the victim has no support system.

If you have been subjected to abuse it is important not to make excuses for someone else’s bad behaviour (like a tough childhood/stress at work) abuse is abuse and the reason that someone is abusive is irrelevant. Abusers will treat you as badly as you let them, usually with abusive people they will see what they can get away with. If you take one level of abuse they will push to see if you will accept more. Abusers may or may not be aware that their behaviour is abusive but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it. You are not obliged to take abuse from someone because they have problems and nor are you obliged to teach them how to behave. Trying to teach an adult how to behave is a complete waste of time and can lead to more abuse. Most abusers have little or no self-awareness or an ability to introspect so focus on yourself and not the abuser, if it doesn’t feel right or okay with you, then it isn’t.

Many of us who have grown up in narcissistic families of origin have very poor boundaries, or at the very least porous ones. Some of us are not comfortable for example with the word “no”, because we were not allowed to use it as children, or if we did it was ignored. If you have been involved with an abuser as an adult, getting involved with someone new might make you feel nervous. There is no way of knowing if someone is abusive or not at the beginning, everyone is on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship. The only way that you will be able to tell if someone is abusive or not is to take it slowly and see how they behave in various situations. Take note for example how they treat people who are serving them in one form or another.

It is important to have boundaries for your integrity and safety. Many of us were brought up to be excessively polite but that brings with it a certain amount of danger. Always keep the word “no” in mind for when you feel someone is crossing a line. Another thing to remember is just because someone asks you an intimate question about yourself, you are not obliged to answer, especially if the question exceeds the intimacy of your relationship. The more you practice upholding boundaries the more respect, love and support you will get. Boundaries are a form of protection both emotional and physical they also protect you from taking on other people’s “stuff” by being too open and accepting. Boundaries are there so that you can be true to yourself and not always looking for validation outside of yourself.

Boundaries are really important, but being educated about narcissism and its manifestations is also very important. Being able to pick up subtle hints on how the mind of an abuser works is also important, for example, if someone says something negative in a joking manner, they are probably not joking and it should be taken into consideration. If at the beginning of a relationship it feels “too good to be true”, it probably is. Everyone can put on an act for a while, it is only over time that you will see the mask slip. It is also important to know what you want from a relationship. Don’t let someone “choose” you, that is a recipe for disaster, the “choosing” must be mutual. Never enter a relationship because you think that it would be rude to say “no”. You are not for sale, so if someone showers you with presents and dinners it doesn’t mean that you owe them anything.

Boundaries will help you to build up your confidence, they won’t get rid of the limiting beliefs that caused you to have poor boundaries in the first place but they will protect you.

Boundaries will help you to tell who is trustworthy, who is respectful and who is showing up as their authentic self and not someone who is trying to create a persona of who they think that they should be (or think that you want them to be).

Boundaries mean that you will stop putting the needs of others before your own. Many of us who grew up in narcissistic families have been taught not to take up space, to be as small as possible so that are narcissistic parents can “shine”, this causes inner conflict because we are taught that being assertive is pushy, setting limits deprives the other person and asking for our needs to be met is selfish. Acting in your own best interest can feel self-indulgent rather than self-care.

Many of us who grew up in narcissistic families don’t even know what are emotional needs are because they were always ignored or met with anger. Here are a few basic ones:

I need to be acknowledged for myself and not as an extension of someone else
I need to be accepted
I need to be listened to (have a voice)
I need to be understood (as far as possible)
I need to be loved
I need to be appreciated
I need to be respected
I need to be valued
I need to feel worthy
I need to be trusted
I need to feel competent
I need to feel clear and not confused
I need to be supported
I need to be safe both physically and emotionally

It is really important to embrace your emotional needs, especially if you were never allowed to have any as a child. They will determine how you allow yourself to be treated by others and take control of your life.

You will know that you are being manipulated and in an unhealthy relationship if:

Your mood is determined by the state of your relationship
You live in fear of losing the relationship
You have massive mood swings from euphoria to desperation
Your relationship has the same mood swings that you have
You don’t feel like there is a piece of your partner that is “hidden”
Your relationship doesn’t feel straight forward
There are issues in your relationship and you don’t know why you cannot sort them out
Your never sure where you stand with your partner and you are not sure really how committed s/he is
Your gut tells you that there is something that isn’t quite right
You have developed trust issues and are constantly trying to catch your partner out to see if what they told you was really true
You feel a lot of anger and resentment
You feel like you cannot openly express yourself without being interrupted or “shut down” or “corrected”
You are losing confidence
You don’t feel that you would be accepted if you were just you and not constantly controlling what you say and your expression of emotions
You do things that aren’t really “your thing”, but they are your partners
You wonder is this really as good as it gets?

You stay in the relationship because things aren’t always bad. There are highs and lows, you think that all relationships have highs and lows but this is not the normal high and lows it is manipulation. In a healthy relationship you can talk and solve differences. In an abusive relationship the abuser will let victim think that all of their relationship problems are their fault. They will let them know by either saying it directly or by inference. A healthy relationship doesn’t have extreme highs and lows. Boundaries keep you intact, in touch with your emotions, needs and wants and who you want to spend time with and who is toxic for you.

Boundaries protect your self-esteem, your self-worth they provide you with a sense of self, security and a place in this world.

When we don’t have boundaries we:

Don’t realise our own self-worth
We don’t know who to trust
We believe that others have our best interests at heart (especially if they are family or “friends”)
We place more importance on the needs of others than on our own
We sacrifice stuff we need, to give to others

If we don’t have good boundaries we constantly look to others for a sense of self. This is particularly dangerous if the person to whom we are looking for reassurance from is destructive and needs to strip you down so that they can feel good about themselves.

Setting boundaries can feel seriously uncomfortable at first because if people are used to you not having boundaries they won’t like it at all when you put them in place. Many of us will shy away from confrontation or we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Often people will say “what is wrongwith you, you have changed!”, but that is only because they preferred it when they could use your lack of boundaries for their own benefit. There is a huge difference between having healthy boundaries and mistreating people the people who do not like you having boundaries will imply that you are mistreating them by being less available for them to use.

We are all entitled to basic human rights, those of us who come from a narcissistic family of origin will have had our human rights badly eroded to the extent that we are not even sure what they are. If we enter into abusive relationships later on in life they will only confirm to us what we are not entitled to because the abuser will see that they can “get away” with a lot of abusive behaviour without being called out on it. Here are what some basic human rights look like:

My needs and feelings are as important as anyone else’s
I have the right to own my feelings and express them if I want to
I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or happiness
I have the right to express my opinions
I have the right to be independent if I want to be
I have the right to decide how I spend my time
I have the right to decide how I live my life
I have the right to change myself, my behaviours, my values and my life
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to make mistakes
I have the right to develop and express my talents and interests
I have the right to choose who I spend time with
I have the right to choose who I share my body with
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect
I have the right to be listened to respectfully
I have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to say “no”
I have the right to say “yes”
I have the right to set limits and boundaries
I have the right to walk away from relationships that are not good for me
I have the right to have my boundaries respected

Asserting boundaries includes recognition of these basic rights and defending them. Defending boundaries takes daily practice and being on constant alert so that you do not tolerate violation of your boundaries like you did in the past. People will treat you as badly as you allow them to, so the thing is not to let them treat you badly. Standing firm on your boundaries increases your respect for yourself and the respect that others have for you.

Signs of weak boundaries include:

Low self-worth and self-esteem
Apologising all of the time
Blushing easily
Doing things that make you feel uncomfortable
Doing things that you really don’t want to do
Going against you values, rights or needs to fit in with others
Putting other’s needs ahead of your own
Letting someone touch you when it makes you feel uncomfortable
Not being able to notice when someone’s behaviour is inappropriate
Staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy
Letting others direct your life and define who you are
Over giving without getting much or anything in return
Accepting food, drinks or presents that you don’t want
Letting others describe your reality
Not being able to ask for what you want
Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, constantly trying not to hurt them at your own expense
Complaining to others instead of talking directly to the person who you have an issue with
Seeking the approval of others
Self-consciousness and social anxiety
Saying yes when you want to say no
Feeling guilty for saying no
Saying no when you want to say yes
Not speaking up when you have something to say
Not calling someone out when they mistreat you
Avoiding conflict and difficult conversations
Spending time with people who drain you and who you don’t really like
Feeling that you do a lot for people but they don’t really appreciate it
Ignoring problems “to keep the peace”
Expecting others to know what you want without telling them

Self-worth comes from honouring who you are and what you want, you need to have your own best interest at heart and live an authentic life. When you have healthy boundaries you will expect honest, respect, loyalty and emotional and physical safety. You will not tolerate people destroying the things that you value ranging from dreams, beliefs to physical possessions. It is important to have these expectations, otherwise it is very easy to bully you and make you conform to what the abuser wants.

If you come from a narcissistic family of origin you will have been taught that putting other people’s (and in particular your parents) needs before your own is a virtue and what “nice” children do. There are people who will suck the life blood out of you and leave you gasping for air without a backward glance, you are not a child anymore and being “nice” isn’t necessarily going to serve you well when you are dealing with toxic people.

Highly empathic people have a tendency to think that they have more than enough love and emotion to share liberally. This is not so because people who are takers have no limit on their ability to take, they are bottomless pits that cannot be satiated. They will give the impression that if you just gave a little bit more all would be well, but the truth is they are never satisfied. Their inner landscape is completely blank and they need to feed off others in order to feel alive (narcissists have frequently been referred to as emotional vampires). The reality is that they think that empaths are “stupid” to try so hard because somewhere deep down in the psyche of a narcissist they know that they are not worth the effort. Gratitude is not part of the make-up of narcissists, they just take what they can get where ever they can get it. As such they have no sense of loyalty, integrity or honour.

It is important to have a very clear idea of what our boundaries are and what we are prepared to tolerate. People make mistakes but if they appologise and then repeat a behaviour that was not acceptable to you, then that apology is insincere and only uttered to make you back down. We also need to have deal breakers/one strike too many/a step too far. Minor discrepancies can be overlooked to some extent but there are some behaviours that are just too big to be ignored and it is important that you do not make excuses for the abuser’s bad behaviour. In short some traits and behaviours are simply non-negotiable.

When a narcissist meets a potential partner who s/he believes will “serve” them well, they will try to fast track the relationship and might well talk about marriage or cohabitation after the second date. This is a red flag as no one can know someone else in such a short time. You will know that you are being preyed upon. They will love bomb you and tell you that no one has ever understood them like you do and that they have finally found their soul mate. They do this for two reasons they want to control you and also because they can see your good qualities and they are afraid that you might meet someone else.

Never feel obliged to say “I love you too” if you do not feel it. The narcissist will try to force proclamations of love from you so that they say “but you said you love me” and hence will try to back you into a corner. You decide on the pace of the relationship, what feels comfortable and how much you want to see of this person from the beginning. Never feel guilt tripped into giving more of yourself than you want to. If you lose a person because you have put up boundaries, then you know that that person would not have made a good partner/friend.

To protect yourself in a new relationship it is really important to maintain your other relationships and interests. This helps to maintain a sense of perspective and how the person in a new relationship reacts to you doing things without them will be very telling. They might say that the don’t mind you doing stuff without them but call you twice in an evening that you are out with friends or “accidentally” go to the same restaurant, which of course means that they are lying about being “okay” with it.

Narcissists will expect you to trust them from day one. In fact, they depend on it and will bristle with self-righteous indignation if you withhold your trust until they have proven that they are worthy of it. Trust is something that is built up over time and in many different situations if someone tries to extract trust from you – this is another red flag. In a healthy relationship both parties know that trust is built not extracted from others.

Another good way to view a potential partner is to see how they treat other people and animals. In particular, how they treat people who are not “useful” to them. Listen how they talk about their exes and other people, it will be indicative of how much respect and space they can or are willing to hold for other people and you. Trying to teach another person how to behave is a complete waste of time. One cannot make another change, that has to come from within them, if they do not treat you with care, love and respect then that person has their own issues and you (or anyone else) cannot iron them out for them. You cannot show them that there is a problem, because if they cannot see it, then it probably isn’t somewhere that they want to go or are not sufficiently emotionally developed to be able to go there.

If they do not respect your boundaries they do not respect you. Most boundaries violations start off small and then they grow according to what they have been let get away with. It is important therefore, that you address the small stuff so that you can determine if they respect you enough to correct their behaviour or not. It is important that you state clearly what the boundary is that you feel that they have violated, don’t expect the other person to second guess why you feel disrespected. Different people have different boundaries, what you consider to be a boundary violation might have been perfectly accepted in their family of origin or by their ex. You can use the classic “when you do that I feel” opener (not “you make me feel”).

There are some boundary violations which are just unacceptable from the word go, such as if a person treats you with contempt, distain or treats you differently in front of other people than they do in private. Someone who treats you differently depending who else is around does not respect you as a human, they are objectifying you and treating you as a prop or possession.

You do not have to explain your boundaries to anyone. They are your boundaries in the same way that you do not have to defend your core beliefs. They are your set of “rules” for you. It is impossible to justify boundaries to someone who refuses to acknowledge them, the only thing that you can do is to put distance between yourself and that person. They are violating boundaries to get what they want at your expense, so it is important not to be too easy going about boundary violation. On the other-hand it is important that your boundaries do not define you a bit of flexibility in a safe environment is not a “bad” thing so long as it does not compromise you and your dignity.

It takes time to see the true nature of a person and it is easy to project good intention where there is none (because that is who we want them to be), don’t fall for a person’s potential, if they seem problematic it is probably because they are. Walking away from someone who is problematic is not an insult to them (although they might not see it that way – but that is part of the problem) it is self-care, when you take care of yourself you can make a much greater contribution to society at large.

Narcissistic parents and their children’s relationships

Narcissistic parents will interfere with all of their children’s relationships. Those will include:

Relationships between siblings (triangulation) and setting one off spring against another.
Friendships must be with people that the narcissist does not feel threatened by in any way, so they will disallow friendships that they do not feel that they can completely control. With young children, they will simply refuse to let certain friends of their children over to play. This could be because the friend of their child is too confident and “sets a bad example” for their own child. Or because the narcissistic parent is threatened by the parents of the other child. They could be too rich, too popular, too poor, too intellectual or accomplished in some field.
As the child gets older they will control friendships by making their own child feel like they make “bad” friendship choices if they do not feel completely in control of the relationship. They will do this by sneering, belittling and overtly mocking their friendship choices. They will also make that friend feel unwelcome in the family home by ignoring the friend or by being overtly rude to that person.
When their teenage children start to have romantic interests they will go into over drive. A narcissistic mother will be overly invested in the sex life of her daughter (especially the scapegoat), repeatedly yelling at them about the perils of getting pregnant and the dire consequences for them if they do, or they can like the drama of teenage romance and want to know every single detail, demanding that their daughter or son over share with them.
Children (even adult children) are hard wired to want to belong to their family of origin, so usually they will try to select friends, lovers or partners that will be accepted into their family, as they know that this is the only way that they themselves will be accepted. So, in a way children of narcissistic parents do not choose their own friends/partners it often becomes “a family decision” which leaves that “child” wide open to abusive relationships because the narcissistic parent is not thinking about how that person will behave towards their child, they are only thinking about what that person can offer the narcissist. Even if they see that the person is being abusive to their child it will not matter to the narcissist so long as that person is charming to them, brings status, celebrity or money or anything that they perceive will make the “look good”. The narcissistic parent will very often try to be more “important” in their children’s relationships than the child itself. Or in the case of opposite sex parents will try to be more important to their child than their husband or wife, marginalising the influence that the wife or husband has on their own family decisions. This can be done by bullying, ignoring the needs and wants of the spouse or by threatening to withhold financial support. Frequently favouritising more compliant siblings to show how beneficial it is to do the parent’s bidding.