If you come from a narcissistic family of origin or have had a narcissistic partner, suicidal feelings are “normal”. This is because you have been drip fed poison about yourself over a long period of time, interjected with acts of “kindness”. The acts of “kindness” were performed simply to keep you doubting yourself. In reality the narcissist wants to destroy you because it gives them sadistic pleasure and makes them feel strong. They invalidate everything that you do or take credit for it themselves. If you come from a narcissistic family of origin you will have been caught up in a system (more than one person), that has constantly devalued you. This only adds to the confusion that you will be experiencing, one person could be wrong – but all of them?
What the narcissist is out to achieve is to murder your soul. To attack your personality because they do not have one. They do it by choice not by accident, they know how to behave but they choose not to (all you have to do is notice the difference in how they behave publically vs privately). They get away with it in part because you project good intention on to them where there is none, even if we think that they are “up to something” it is our incredulity, politeness and our cultural mores that keep us stuck (such as you should respect everyone, being vulnerable and open is a “good” thing, don’t judge people and universally trust everyone until proven otherwise)
A narcissist might well speak of you in glowing terms in public and at the same time demean, humiliate and abuse you behind closed doors. This is an inverted smear campaign designed to discredit you if you say anything about their abuse. They are extremely paranoid and their fear of exposure makes them capable of anything, even murder. That sounds very melodramatic but when you are dealing with someone who has no conscience there are no limits to what they will do. They do not see you as a sentient human being, merely an object for them to feed off, provide drama and entertainment for and generally make them feel more alive inside their emptiness. Being offensive and crippling others self-esteem just makes them feel powerful. Another really unpleasant thing about narcissists is that the nastier you are to them the more respectful they will be to you. So if you are abrupt and uncooperative with them they will simply see you as a bad source of narcissistic supply and move away.
No matter how strong a person is, there is no way that they could stay strong under a constant vicious, vile and sadistic attack like that. It is no wonder that sometimes you feel filled with a sense of utter despair, unloved (and unlovable), and helpless. The reason for this is that you were looking for love where there is none, you were told that they love you, but a narcissist notion of love is to draft someone else into their service. The minute that doesn’t work for them, that person will be totally discarded like an empty wrapper, the only time you will hear from them again is when they want something from you. It is not your fault that a narcissist treated you the way that they did. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, it could have been anyone with a kind and trusting nature that they felt they could push around. Knowing that does not take away the pain or scars that they have inflicted but it is a good starting point to take back ownership of your life and to become the whole and beautiful loving person that you were always intended to be.
To do this you have to do a few things:
- Work on creating stronger boundaries
- Realise that no one has the right to tell you who you are, what you are thinking or the motives behind an action or decision that you took
- Realise that you are being lied to constantly with only a light dusting of truth to make their lies seem credible
- Know that they will say bad things about you behind your back, there is nothing you can do to prevent that (they can do it about anyone) authentic people will see through their smoke and mirrors
- It isn’t personal, it is an extension/function of their personality disorder
- Try to remember who you were when you were a young child, before people tried to mess with your head
- Keep a journal
- Show compassion to yourself
- Be careful (judge without being judgemental i.e. is this person a good fit for me, my strengths and my weaknesses) about who you let get close to you