- Constant weird lies, a narcissist will lie even when the truth would serve them better
- Narcissistic rage, they will get into a red faced fury over the slightest little thing. This is a trick they learnt when they were toddlers to try and push their boundaries with their care takers. They are still testing to see how much they can get away with even as adults
- Any attention is better than no attention, even negative attention is “good” for them.
- No one’s ideas, achievements or successes are ever as good as theirs even though there is no physical evidence to support their claims.
- They are constantly “saving the day”, even if they were not there.
- They don’t mind their own business, interfering in other people’s dramas makes them feel alive
- They minimise or make a mountain out of a mole hill depending on whether it is something inappropriate that they have done (minimise or don’t acknowledge in any way) or something that someone else has done “to them”.
- Will betray anyone or anything at any time, they have absolutely no sense of loyalty or integrity.
- They backstab, go on smear campaigns and maliciously gossip about others for their own personal gain, or for entertainment.
- The main motivation of a narcissist is to gain power by controlling people they will do this through lies, splitting up relationships, manipulation, money, charm – the list is very long.
- They can be charming one minute and turn into a bullying thug the next. This flipping in a matter of moments is a controlling mechanism they use. This type of behaviour is abusive and aimed at causing confusion and instability because you are never really sure who is going to turn up
- Once they get a better offer they will discard you without a backward glance.
- The narcissist violates boundaries: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and financial.
- At work narcissists are very difficult to work for (narcissists don’t do work with), They are bullies and liars in the work place as in their private lives.
- They can completely contradict themselves in a very short space of time and not seem to notice
- They will constantly break their promises and make it sound like you “made” them do it
- Completely in appropriate reactions to other people’s pain or problems but also their success and happiness (it annoys them)
- Will try to come between you and other people and try to be “more important” than you in your relationships, even intimate ones
- They will try to extract any material resources you might have (even by criminal means) with absolute ruthlessness and show absolutely no remorse.
- Exhibit absolutely no shame when they have been caught doing wrong.
- They do not listen and try to stop you talking about yourself (unless they are trying to harvest information about you, to use against you)
- They will hunt through your private stuff opening letters, reading texts and email.
- They might stalk you to see where you are going and who you are with if you are in a “relationship” with them, even a friendship
- They think that everyone is profoundly interested in their opinion about just about anything, irrespective of content.
- Will constantly offer unsolicited advice (and will get angry if you politely reject or ignore it)
- They are very judgemental of you and everyone else, will make wild suppositions on little or no evidence
- They will deem that most people are less intelligent, beautiful, popular and talented than they are (on absolutely no evidence)
- They will suck up to the rich and powerful people they know in a totally shameless and sycophantic way
- They just love to name drop
- They will tell you why you shouldn’t feel or think in a certain way
- They project their motives and intentions on to others
- They feel like they are above the law as they are special people
- They do not argue logically so you never get anywhere with them and they can easily change their mind mid argument
- They inappropriately assume knowledge or intimacy with others far too quickly or take a haughty superior attitude without anything to back it up
- They can be late for meetings or not show up at all if it doesn’t suit them, but would get into a red hot rage if someone did the same to them.
- They will lie about their accomplishments or compliments that they claim others have given them.
- They will very often be dismissive or very rude to serving staff or people he/she does not deem important.
- They think that everyone else is weak and inferior, that they are always superior and that must always be acknowledged that must never be forgotten
- They thing that you have no freedom to think independently, I am the only one who knows what is what
- They think it is everyone else’s job to take care of their needs and feelings. Others are not allowed to have needs or feelings.
Here is how they operate:
- “No one is allowed to have an opinion that differs from mine”
- “You must agree with everything that I say, but I can criticise, degrade, mock and sneer at the things that you say”
- “I can stop speaking to you on a whim but it will turn nasty if you decide to stop speaking to me.”
- “I can disown you and say vile things about you behind your back but you must always be loyal and faithful to me”
- “If our rift ends (when I am ready) you have to take me back is though nothing had happened and it must never be mentioned again”
- “I can vent to other people about you but you must never criticise me to anyone or I will turn nasty”
- “Your friends are my friends, but my friends are my own and I will do my best to keep you from getting too close to them (they might prefer you).”
- “I can falsely accuse you of doing thing that you never did and you are not allowed to make me a liar by defending yourself”
- “You are not allowed to tell the mean things that I really did do to you, you must cover it up and keep it secret.”
- “You are never allowed to complain (it is boring) that is my job
- “You are never allowed to confront me about anything, I am the only one allowed to be confrontational.”
- “I can offend you deeply but you are not allowed to get upset, if you make the slightest criticism of me I will be deeply offended and insulted (and will probably react with rage).”
- “I am the only one allowed to have feelings (even if they are very limited in scope).”
- “I am the only one allowed to get angry, you must pretend to be content (not happy because happy is annoying) all of the time.”
- “I can lie about you to make you look bad, you must lie about me to make me look good.”
- “I can say anything that I like, you are only allowed to say things that you are sure will not offend me.”
- “I can do what I want you can only do what I want/would like you to do.”
- “You must always, always put my needs and wants before your own.”
- “You must call me regularly to see how I am, I will only call you when I want something or I am bored.”
- “You have to respect me, I don’t have to respect you and I don’t.”
- “I never have to apologise to you, you have to apologise to me for everything even things that you did not do”
- “You must never out shine me”, if you do something kind that they think they should take credit for, they will claim it if they can (without making any effort), if they realise that they are going to have to take some action they will muscle in and try to push you away.”
- They will ridicule your relationships with other people, even if they have never met that person and have no idea of what they are like “I am the most important person in your life” (even if you do not see them very often)
- They will accuse you of exaggerating their abuse and completely deny that it “was that bad”, completely devaluing your response to their abusive behaviour
- They will heap lavish compliments in public and attack you at home for the very thing that they were complimenting you about in public
- They will say “I only want what is best for you” (narcissistic parents do this as well as partners), but will destroy any thing that you try to create or build. They will clip your wings where ever and whenever they can. If they cannot sabotage your efforts they will take credit for them for themselves “I always told her/him that s/he should do that”, “I introduced them”.
- They will assume superior knowledge of your friends and relatives even if they have never met them. They will say things like “well of course Lucy was always very neurotic” !! They don’t know anything about this person, but they will pass comments that are said with such certainty and confidence that you start to believe that they might know what they are talking about.
- When you are exhausted from all of their abuse they will call you lazy and unreliable because you cannot function in a healthy way around these toxic people
- If they are trying to contact you and they cannot get in touch, they will call relentlessly, text message (feigning that they are concerned about your wellbeing), email and even call into your place of work. They can make up to 200 attempts to call you without thinking that they may be a little invasive. Even though you may not have heard from them in months, they will be furious that you are not available to take their call
- If you go out with friends alone, they will call you on a false pretence to listen to background noise to make sure that you are where you said you were going to be.
- They threaten to leave to make you unsure of the relationship (i.e. try harder), but also to try to make you beg them to stay.
- They will constantly let you know that they are superior to you in every way (without any evidence what so ever) and will knock your confidence relentlessly.
- They have absolutely no mood control. They will flip in to a rage one minute and thirty seconds later act as though nothing had happened.
- They might be raging at you when someone else walks into room they will be as sweet as honey to you
- They try to destroy your happiness/success when they can. If you go away with other people and come back with pep in your step, they will destroy your happiness by guilt tripping you for abandoning them “I was so lonely/depressed without you, please don’t leave me like that again”
- If you need/want them to do something for you, they will refuse because they will see that as you taking advantage of them (no matter how inconsequential the request)
- They use the word “love” as leverage to control. They say “I love you”, what they mean is that they have put you in a situation where you have to be very sensitive to their needs because they “Love you”, but they are completely indifferent you your feelings, it is not about you, the relationship is exclusively about them.
- They gossip endlessly about other people, but are absolutely furious if they find out that someone has been gossiping about them.
- They are especially prone to professional jealousy and no matter what they do or what you do their job is always more important than yours
- They will constantly interrupt conversations that you have with other people to bring any conversation back to them.
- They will negate everything you say (no matter how ridiculous) in order to control.
- If you say you are going to do something (no matter how minor), they will tell you to do it a different way or not to do it at all.
- They ruin celebrations that aren’t about them by sulking, fighting, pretending to feel sick or just being rude to everyone.
- They can make appropriate comments but their facial expression and body language will let you know that they are completely insincere. It is possible that a victim will think that they had other things on their mind at the time but the reality is that they are not pleased when other people are happy or successful.
- They will try to make their partner jealous by glorifying all of their previous relationships, implying that the one that they are in is substandard and you need to work harder on making it better.
- Narcissistic parents do the same thing by shamelessly showing favouritism for one or more child, to make the ones who are neglected jump through hoops to try to belong and please them.
- Their acceptance of you is always conditional on “how well you are performing for them.”
- They make their victims become very secretive because any doubts, insecurities or mistakes you have/made will be constantly used against you.
- They are very quick to tell you who you are and what you should do with absolutely no evidence because that is who they want you to be on that particular moment on that particular day. It changes all the time.
- Their advice will set you up to fail.
- They are full of advice about how you should change and what you should do but they don’t need to change a thing themselves because they are just perfect the way they are.
- Their constant lies a peppered with nuggets of truth, designed to make you question yourself.
- They don’t trust you because they believe that everyone is like them.
- They are always right and if questioned in any way (even in jest) will bristle with self-righteous indignation.
- They are quite happy to call you really rude names but if you say something like “I didn’t like what you said about” they laugh at you, will storm off in a huff at the sheer audacity for suggesting that the was something less than perfect about them.
- If their victim starts to get stronger and grow in confidence, they will up their game and try even harder to wreck their confidence and self-esteem. They will do this ether through sheer aggression or by playing the victim.