Narcissists are notoriously lazy in practically everything that they do (unless they feel like they have a worthy audience or they are working towards a specific personal gain). It is for this reason that they do not cooperate well either in the home or in the work place. Because of their immense sense of entitlement and superiority they will see that it is the job of everyone else, to take care of their needs.
This laziness can be in the form of not wanting to do menial jobs around the house, not wanting to work outside the house to bring in a second income, riding on and taking credit for the work, opinions and efforts of others, not taking care of their relationships both familial and social, unless they perceive a person to be either useful or powerful in which case they can turn on the charm in a dazzling way.
Laziness also manifests itself in how they look for a partner. A narcissist will automatically look for someone with low confidence and self-esteem or a carer/giver type, as they will know instinctively that they will be easier to control, manage and well give them more of their time, attention and resources than someone with a healthy sense of boundaries and a strong sense of self. Just like predators in the wild, they will seek out wounded or hurting prey so that they do not have to expend too much effort or energy in hooking their target. This prey will have already been primed from previous experiences to succumb to the initial charms and attention of the narcissist, they will lie, manipulate, cheat and will mirror what they think their prey wants to hear.
Once you become involved with the narcissist they will show his or her true parasitical nature and gradually manipulate their “partner”, “friend” or colleague into taking care of them. They will do this absolutely without remorse or any sense of moral wrong doing or guilt.
Another ploy that narcissists will use to ensure that their needs are met is by invalidating the efforts of others and exaggerating their own contribution through lies, manipulation (either overt or covert) and drama.
A narcissist is “emotionally” very lazy and will not work on their “relationships” unless they think that the other person could be useful to them. They will not take up the phone or write to a sick or depressed “friend” and they would seriously resent having to listen to them or worse still take care of them in some way. That is not the role that they have assigned themselves and would definitely see it as beneath them. Other people need to do that for them. In fact, in the eyes of a narcissist, other people are not allowed to have needs or feelings, if they do they had better take care to keep them to themselves as it will only make the narcissist angry and resentful if they feel that they are being “put upon” in any way. Their attitude is that other people are only there for their convenience. If you are any trouble they will ignore and shun you until they want something from you.
Narcissists do not invest in their relationships once they have their target (friend, lover or acquaintance) “hooked”, as it takes too much energy and effort. Obviously their own children take no effort to be “hooked” because the narcissist views them as their own property from the moment they are born. Due to the parasitical nature of the narcissist, they will feed off the energy and efforts of others. Consequently, if you are in close proximity to a narcissist it can feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of the air or it is like being covered in ticks, having your blood slowly but constantly sucked out of you.
They will say things like “I would love to help you but…”, “I was going to bring you chicken soup but…”, “oh I was just about to do that, but you got there before me” the mechanism that is at work here is that they are trying to extract gratitude or a sense of indebtedness without having actually done anything. Naturally they had absolutely no intention of doing anything at all.
The narcissist if a master in the art of harvesting compliments and praise for something that they didn’t do. For example, take a husband and wife scenario: guests have been invited to dinner and the wife has done the cleaning, shopping and cooking all day long, then just as the husband (or vice versa) hears the car pulling up to the house, will jump into action and rush to the stove and start stirring pots or put finishing touches on the table. The guests will turn to the narcissist who has been completely lazy until this point and pay a compliment to them and the narcissist will say in a totally insincere way “Oh no my spouse did it all” and the guests will think how modest s/he is and generous in their “praise” of their partner.
Narcissists unlike other parasites do not know when to stop taking, so they will eventually leave their partner so depleted that they can lose the will to live, if a narcissist makes a partner depressed or suicidal they will feel no remorse what so ever. They will see it as an achievement in the ultimate execution of power and at the same time get annoyed with their “host” for lowering the quality of the narcissistic supply. They will spend other people’s money with loose abandon if given access to it, they will take credit for things that they did not achieve, they will get angry if they are not given everything that they want without question, they will verbally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually abuse their partner in a way that will leave them feeling confused, exhausted and weak. Just where the narcissist wants them to be.
I thought he was just a mummies boy when we met. He seemed safer than the dickheads i had dated before. Thank you for this article. Its made me feel less crazy.
I was with a narcissist for many years. Instability drink abuse no boundaries turned up at my door a few weeks after meeting him. A problem with the house he had lost it. Then his kids would be over every weekend did I have a say no I didn’t. Abuse police after inheriting money. Put into custody after hitting him with a cushion. I went thru all that for what nothing you get nothing back but abuse control these people are nasty. Do they have remorse not a chance they take your life away and leave you trying to cope. I lost my job as a, nurse he replied you were finished anyway. I hate him for what he did to me and will forget it
Wish we read this before we let our nephew move in with us May 2019. This describes him perfectly.
Agreed to help around the apartment, but after his name was added to the lease, he wouldn’t do anything to help. Made messes in the apartment we had to clean up. Spent all his time in his room, and my brother had to do all the cooking for him. I couldn’t help my brother because I’m disabled.
Our nephew would take credit for the work that was done. And even lied about stuff he would look up on YouTube how to do. Would claim he figured it out on his own. Which was a complete lie.
In conversations, he has to be the center of attention. If not, he then starts interrupting others, and talking over them.
His friends that didn’t know the truth, he lied to, and made it sound like he was abused here. Acted like he had to do all the work, was always bullied into cleaning up after us. Truth is, he came close to getting us kicked out a couple times because of the mess he always left.
The only thing that saved us is that we lived here a couple years before he moved in to help with rent. They knew what we were like, and knew he was the issue.
If we try to get him to clean up after himself, he would act like he was too dumb to know how, or would make up some lame excuse not to. When he broke the other rules here, he would try making up excuses to get away with it, or he would verbally assault us, or try to blame us for him breaking the rules.
When he finally left, he never paid the last 2 months rent he owes. Our dad (his grandpa) handled his finances, and they conspired together to cheat us out of the rent he owes. Our dad helped because he is moving to Florida for 4 to 6 months, and wanted us to take care of his house for him. So he helped, knowing we would lose the apartment without the rent our nephew owes.
Needless to say, letting our nephew move in was the worst thing we ever did. We would have been better putting our stuff in storage, and living in the car.
Tim.
I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it happens all too often (if it happened once it is still too often). Glad that you and your brother and father pulled together. I know that you might be kicking yourself because you made excuses for his bad behaviour at the beginning. People who do not have the reptilian brain mind set often do, because they project reason and good intention where there is none. These people do not see others in terms other than what they can harvest from them and they also project their nasty intentions on to others, so they project all of their negativity on to others. They think that they are being clever (getting in there first) but ultimately they will always be alone because nobody wants to be around them. The purpose of this blog is to alert people to narcissists and how to protect yourselves from them. Someone once said to me if you have to tell people after a certain age (mid 20’s) how to behave – you are just wasting your time. Move away. I know a lot about narcissism, so if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me here.
Good luck with everything
Dear me this is accurate sadly this involves my son and partner. Also sadly still doubting this cant possibly some days . What’s going on my head is still confusing as to how people can be like this . I question myself “am I a narc” because it feels bad to recognize this and have bad feelings towards my son and partner. My husband and daughter recognize this there going through the same feelings. The thing is sometimes the abuse is subtle you doubt your own mind its like a jigsaw until you see the big picture then its starts to make sense but took a very long time to see this. My husband and I have both had counselling and come to the same conclusion as yourself almost word by word. Son and partner now left with no true family who love them so deeply or friends due to their all about them attitude . We all tried so hard to be kind and helpful but due to so much stress I flipped just had enough done finished my mind just couldn’t take not being me walking on eggshells seeing greed ,ungratefulness gossip trouble making the list goes on. Fed up of chasing love and all our family doing all the work heading towards sixty the penny dropped just had enough of infantile childish tit for tat . There’s no doubt there is something wrong mentally wrong they do not fully connect see things with such logic. I have tried to be patient but just flipped first time in my life on anti depressants thats how much it effects. Our son looks drained worn out no confidence never seen him like this it just broke our hearts. Love to you all.x
Everytime I think she’s a narcissist I second guess myself. I’m starting to go crazy
It is called gaslghting…
I’ve noticed in a lot of cases where in a relationship the vulnerable narc never changes appearance where the one on the receiving end always looks tired/haggard or puts on a ton of weight or loses a ton of weight. You KNOW something is wrong but unless you know the signs to look for, you might not see it. Out of the Cluster B personalities, the vulnerable narcissist is the hardest to detect. They come off humble, agreeable at first, like what you like but then the real deal comes out but it’s subtle. Complaining about everyone off and on for years, yet they never do a thing to fix any of it, blame shifting, finger pointing, it’s up to everyone else to make them happy, entitlement, resentful and very passive aggressive. Their partner could go above and beyond for them and that works for a minute but then something ELSE comes up that their partner needs to do for them (that they could do for themselves) – they are never happy or content. They are like this black hole that can’t be filled.
Oh yes, I agree. Nothing is ever good enough, can never give enough time, energy, attention or money/stuff. They are like a funnel or non stick pot. They don’t seem to be able to hold onto anything. Never satisfied. If you threw yourself in a puddle to stop them getting their feet wet they would complain that you were not soft enough to walk on.
Jung said “thinking is hard work, that is why most people prefer to judge” or words to that effect.. Narcs are all judgemental, they can only see things from their own jaundiced point of view. Expect the worst in everyone (as per their paranoid point of view) and cannot appreciate the good in others because they lack it in themselves. However, it is up to you (the giver) to stop over giving because the taker never knows when to stop taking. There is no point in giving more to someone who has shown a complete lack of gratitude for what you have already given them. One narc said to me once in a moment of “mask slipping” “if someone is stupid enough to be kind and generous, then they deserve to be shafted” and that is the stand point that they are coming from. Put on your armour/boundaries and realise they are never going to morph into something (someone) you want to be around.
My Dad is like this and it’s so exhausting.
He’s depressed and uses that as his main excuse, yet I have depression too and have no issues getting the work done that needs to get done. He uses it as his crutch and really has a “woe is me” mindset. And, it sucks because we actually need to rely on him because he’s mechanic, services are expensive where we live and my family is unbelievably poor. He knows this and uses it to act however he wants bc he knows we won’t kick him out again. Anytime I have a failure he uses it to defend himself and bring himself up instead of coming down to earth and lifting me up when I need it. He doesn’t help me when I need it. He asks me for money all the time. Uses the fact that he drives me to work and to my boyfriend’s house as a weapon to make me comply with whatever bullshit he is conjuring that day. I am sick of the excuses and him repeatedly hurting my mom. She’s been overworking herself the past 25 years to pick up his slack and that has left her disabled and barely working. Where is he after all this time when she needs him? Cheating on her, ending the relationship and leaving with our only car for 6 months, acting like a fucking toddler, and weaving his way back into our home because he was homeless and hungry. As soon as I move out I am cutting everyone out for at least a year, my mom’s awesome and my siblings are tolerable but at this point. My boyfriend and his family are just so loving being here just exhausts me. And, my Dad just ruins everything that made me love being home. Sorry for the bad grammar and cursing. It feels good to vent.