When we genuinely say “Thank you” to someone for something what we are really saying is “I do not feel entitled to receive what you have given or have done for me, I see and sincerely appreciate the effort you made”. Narcissists on the other hand say thank you merely as a social formality (if at all) because they feel entitled to get what was given without being appreciative or having to give anything in return (if only a “thank you”). This sense of entitlement means that the narcissist takes what they want without bothering to see another person’s needs, their attention is exclusively focused on what they want and they usually want it now!
To say thank you we need step out of ourselves and embrace the generosity, kindness and existence of someone else. It is a mutual exchange, they did something kind or generous for us because they saw that we needed, wanted or would appreciate something and we acknowledge the fact that they saw what we needed, wanted or would like something and appreciate it, which means that we can see them too. If we cannot say thank you with any authenticity, it means that we cannot see the other person for who they are and what they have done for us.
Gratitude comes in many forms, it could be for something big like a present or a job promotion or it could be something as small as smiling and waving thanks to someone who stopped their car to let you into the traffic. These expressions of gratitude create a sense of connectedness. Narcissists are eternally ungrateful for all acts of kindness and generosity which creates a sense of disconnectedness, loneliness and isolation. Insincere gratitude is as obvious as a false smile, their eyes don’t light up, there is no indication of their gratitude in their tone of voice and their body language is all wrong.
Gratitude is also very different from approval, narcissists will often substitute thank you for “I approve that you wanted to give me a present, execute an act of kindness for me”, which is completely in line with the narcissists sense of superiority to all those around them. They feel entitled to whatever you gave or did for them and the only reason that they acknowledge the act at all serves only to encourage you to do something nice for them again (“keep it coming”).
Some narcissists think that if they say thank you and acknowledge that you did something nice for them, that they will be indebted to you. The narcissist doesn’t feel that they owe anybody anything, so rather than say “thank you” they just ignore what you have done because they do not want to risk you thinking that you are equals or have entered into a give and take/sharing situation.
As always with narcissists there is a twist, they may well reject an act of kindness or a present with a hostile comment. This is to let you know that they are not only ungrateful for your effort but you have also insulted them by implying that they couldn’t buy the present/do something for themselves. The message they are giving is “I don’t need you, I am superior to you and I am not going to lower myself to your level by saying thank you and treating you like an equal”.
They might actively punish you if you buy them something/do something for them that they don’t like, such as a present they don’t like or throw them a surprise party. Like a toddler they will be angry with you for getting it wrong and will make no attempt to hide it ruining the occasion for everyone. They will not think that your intentions were good and that you thought that you were making a nice gesture. On the contrary, they will think that you did it on purpose to insult or belittle them in some way.
Similarly, they might ask you to come and pick them up from somewhere because they don’t have transport. It could be an hour’s drive each way for you each way, but they will be openly angry with you for being five minutes late.
The moral is do not ever expect gratitude from a narcissist unless it is a means to an end and even then it will be totally insincere